One of the reasons that I took my impromptu sabbatical from the blog was I went on vacation to Vail, Colorado.  I was initially skeptical about how much fun I would have because  (1) – Last time I was in Denver I came down with a wicked altitude related sickness that concluded with me puking at about 10,000 feet in the middle of my decent down the ski slope. (2) – I hate the cold.  After I landed I realized that (1) – I must have been a pussy when I was 13 because the altitude did not bother me at all and (2) – I only hate the cold when I need to wake up in freezing temperatures, scrape my windshield and go to work.  If it is cold and I get to do whatever I want to do the mornings are not THAT miserable when it is freezing outside.

So… I headed out to the slopes and immediately enrolled myself in the adult snowboard lessons as this was the first time I had ever been boarding and the first time in about decade I had been to anything resembling a real ski mountain.  I had a pretty good group of people in my class as far as random strangers go.  However, there was one person who I wanted to beat with my snowboard and send hurtling off the edge of a double black diamond.  He was a d-bag former marine that was quoting Wikipedia articles and telling the stupidest fucking jokes.  He tried to get on the same chair lift as me one time and I said I had the “jimmy-legs” and did not want to have an “episode” and knock him off the lift.  The shit I do just to not have small moments of annoyance in my life astounds me sometimes.  Long story short I finished up my lessons and the instructor gave me a choice to either go back down to the lodge in the gondola or to try to make it down on my own.  I chose the latter – bad fucking idea.  I thought I was a bad ass on the bunny slope but when I went on some normal green runs with other “non-bunnyhillers” I took a complete ass kicking.  After about 45 minutes, 22 wipe outs, 3 yard sales and 100+ dirty looks from other boarders and skiers I made it back to the lodge.  On a scale of physically worn out out, 1 being “getting a back rub on the couch” and 10 being “porn star after a 100 man gang bang” I think I was a solid 9.  Yay snowboarding!

After the first day I was still undaunted.  Even though it was a bit rough I saw a light at the end of the tunnel and I knew that one I got the basics down it could be really fun.  I woke up early the next morning to the only black man in Vail – the weatherman.  Having a black weatherman in Vail is like having an Asian driving instructor or a Mexican hockey coach – based on everything I know about  various cultures, it just doesn’t make sense.  Needless to say he was full of shit and I realized that in Colorado, the ski resorts are in league with the weathermen and will always forecast snow to get people to the mountain.  The second day was much better and I was able to keep up with the other snowboarder in the group… barely.  I made it off the bunny slope and graduated to a “blue” level difficulty run at the end of the day.  Go me.

I honed my boarding skills and the last day was pretty uneventful until that night when I participated in one the most hotly contested flippy-cup tournaments of my life.  It was the classic guys versus girls match up and early on, put simply, the ladies smoked us.  However, I am a wily flippy-cup veteran.  There is one rule that works no matter who I have played against.  I pick on the weakest link of the team, hope that they fuck up and then get in their head.  That worked for a while and we were up 3-1, then things fell apart… they tied it up at 3-3.  My team had already slammed a beer to pay for our weak regular season but the stakes were raised for the tournament – losers had to make snow angels immediately following their loss.  The final match devolved into me screaming at the girls to try to throw them off their flipping (there is no shame in my game) – and we won.  The taste of victory was sweet too – that snow looked cold and I was not in it.

Drunk and satisfied I spent the rest of the night on the couch watching my buddy prank call the Home Shopping Network and fuck with the people who tried to take the orders.  (Did I mention I am 30 years old?)  He may or may not have asked to purchase “granny panties” that used about “a yard of fabric” or described the guy selling the get rich quick info tapes as a “pervy looking Jew.”  Good times!

In conclusion… my vacation is done and I am back on the blogging horse.  Glad to see you are back with me!