J-Woww

I imagine this chicks vagina to look like the Gettysburg battleground of STD’s.  She has obvious, poorly done fake tits that look like they are migrating in opposite directions to her shoulder blades.  She fashions herself as somewhat of a bad ass saying that “I am like a praying mantis. After I have sex with a guy I will rip their head off.”  Instead of J-Woww she should have probably gone with “Black-Hearted Slut” – much better nickname.

Pauly D

He won the award for Jersey Shore Cast Member I would least like to be trapped with on a desert island.  He has a cock piercing and takes at least a half gallon of gel with him wherever he goes.  In other words, do not try to get this guy through the checkpoint a the airport.  J-Woww and Pauly D were flirting in the second episode… I hope she does not try to rip his head off, she may cut herself in his hair.

Snookie

She wasted no time in the first episode getting wasted and bouncing from Guido to Guido in the hot tub like a little Italian exercise ball.  After puking away her first morning in the house she spent the next few hours complaining to anyone who would listen that no one liked her.  The Taliban should send out tapes of this to the insurgents for propaganda – a over-privileged skank complaining about how much her life sucks at a beach house steps from the ocean is exactly why the terrorists hate us.

Jolie

She is the Patrick Roy of cock-blockers.  Anytime one of the Guidos gets some random ass into hot tub she is around staring daggers at them or when provoked actually calling them out as hoebags.  One thing about skanks is that they hate other skanks – they are like wolves… very solitary and territorial.  When she is not busy trying to ruin someone else’s good time she is cheating on her boyfriend and “forgetting” the whole incident the next morning.

Sammi Sweetheart

Sammi is SUCH a sweetheart that she says “If you are not a Guido then get the fuck out of my face”.  Yep, she is a regular Mother Theresa.  She managed to make out with 2 of the other cast members in a 10 minute span yet she still looked down at Snookie for her hot tub activity the first night… oh sweet irony!

Vinny

The most regular out of all of the cast members except that his mother still cuts his food.  Huh?  I picture his mother finishing up cutting up Vinny’s dinner and then turning to his younger brother and regurgitating food directly into his mouth like a baby bird.  He is the guy at the club wearing sunglasses at night.  Two kinds of people wear sunglasses at night… assholes and the blind.  Which are you sir?

Ronnie

The most apelike of all the cast members, Ronnie is the large douchebag at the club that you see getting pulled out of the bar by 4 bouncers screaming something about how he is not getting any”respect”.  However, he seems pretty harmless and thinks of himself as a real ladies man (shocker) saying that women come to him “like flies on shit”.  Hearing Ronnie talk hurts my brain a little bit.

The Situation

The Situation is a paradox.  He is the most overconfident insecure person I have ever seen.  His nickname is derived from his abs and how “sweet” they are.  To me a “situation” is clogging a friend’s toilet at a dinner party or having my room mate walk in on me getting blow job.  I give him an “A” for effort with that though, if “The Situation” doesn’t think his abs are sweet, no one will.  He seems to be the most likable of the cast members because of his “loser with a heart of gold” vibe.  However, being “most likable” on this show is like being the “least painful” form of herpes… in the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king

All of these Italian Americans will be working for the summer at a t-shirt shop on the beach.  When they have scenes filmed in the shop my eye drifted into the background and I thought to myself “Would I wear any of the shirts hanging on the wall?”  The answer is No, no and no.  It really helps get the vibe of how things are down there when you see rack after rack of “affliction” style shirts with “Seaside” hidden into the swirling design.

Honestly after 2 solid  hours of this I was pretty much spent.  I was on the fence if I would ever watch another episode after enduring a pseudo-heartfelt scene of “The Situation” staring out into the sunset cut with shots of his lost love, Sammi Sweetheart, after she dissed him at the club.  Then… it happened… the preview of whats to come for the rest of the season and Snookie gets punched in the face by some random Guido.  Damn you sneak preview!  Now I am locked in to watching at least until she gets cold cocked.

Did you watch this train wreck… what did you think?

PS – No post on Friday – there is a lot of salt to be mined this week and if I don’t do it no one will – stay tuned for more fantastical ultraparadoxical revelations on Monday.