Ontario – “Wait… was that a sign for New York?”

Sophomore year in college I organized a winter formal in Toronto, Ontario.  The main reason was that the drinking age is 19 and anytime I could legally get a drink at the bar I felt much classier when I was that age.  I helped organize the event so I was obligated to go even though I had just broken up with my girlfriend.  I took one of my friends and we had a fantastic time at the party then drinking our faces off in Toronto… until the ride back to Michigan. I was pretty spent from drinking and organizing 40 couples (have you ever heard the phrase “it was like herding cats”?  Getting my drunk 19-21 year old college friends organized was like herding retarded cats… with brain damage… on speed).  The next morning I was a mix of drunk. exhausted and hungover.  We hopped in the car with another couple and started back west towards the Michigan border.

After we left the city limits I said “I’m going to take a nap for a few minutes – WAKE ME UP IN 20 MINUTES – I want to make sure we are on the right track” and promptly passed out in the passenger seat.  I must have been roofied or something because when I woke up and checked out the clock I saw that I had slept for 2 hours!  I asked her why she didn’t wake me up – she said that I looked like I could have used some sleep. “That was nice” I thought… until I saw the sign that said “Kingston – 20 miles”.  I stared in disbelief.  I am no geography major but we may have taken the scenic route if we wanted to end up in East Lansing, MI:

Since I am so mature my first thought was of “Dumb and Dumber” – “You mean to tell me we drove across 1/4 of Ontario IN THE WRONG DIRECTION?!?!?!”  I tried to be as understanding as possible especially when she started crying in the gas station before we turned around.  “It was only a 4 hour detour” – “I always wanted to see the rolling tundra of southeast Ontario” – “Boy these Canadians sure have fucked up highway markers” I said while secretly cursing her non-existent navigation skills.  As we pulled onto the highway I realized that this was my own fault – she is Asian – she should have been in charge of my calculus homework that I didn’t do, not operating a motor vehicle in a foreign land.  After fending off car-bourne insanity for a couple hours we finally arrived home – 8 and a half hours later.  As shitty as it was I think it actually worked out as a bonding experience and a reason for me to try to fight my car narcolepsy.

[Note: In the spirit of even handedness I emailed my friend before I posted this to get her viewpoint:]

From: Ultraparadoxical
To: XXXXXXXXX
Sent: Tue, May 18, 2010 3:22:59 PM
Subject: RE: Against your best wishes

Yo – I am including a story about our ill fated drive from Toronto on my blog – do you have any words to defend yourself that I can include with the story so you are properly represented?

[And her reply]

It was when you approved the direction of choice when passing the awkward penis sign that forced the innocent Saturn and it’s entourage in the wrong direction…

[Ummmm... huh?  Was that Cantonese?  I always told her to stop sniffing glue back in the day but some people never listen.]

I love road trips.  They are all about doing many of the things that I love – bullshitting with friends, listening to music and napping.  I have been on many in my lifetime, some with family others with friends and even a few animals mixed in.  Each one has its own feel and there is always at least one memorable thing that happens.  In addition to that there are opportunities to see new places and meet new people… then make fun of them.  Ahhhhh the possibilities are endless with road trips – they are an affirmation that there are a ton of freaks all over the US and that I am glad that I live where I do.  If I was not employed at the salt mine I would love to take a few months and bounce around the US with some friends and see things in the remote corners of the country that usually remain hidden (and in some cases should remain hidden).  Almost every state I have visited or driven through has a memory -  lets take a ride down road trip memory lane state by state.

Illinois – “Where the fuck are my shoes?”

As a child I hated waking up just as much as I do now.  So picture this – I’m about 12 years old and my Dad and I are planning a trip to Peoria, IL to participate in a 5K race at Bradley University (where my brother went to college).  He woke me up at the butt-crack of dawn and herded my sleep deprived little body into the car and I was comatose in the passenger seat immediately.  After a couple hours of driving we stopped at a McDonald’s to get some food before the race and he prodded me awake.  “Get your shoes on” he said “we’re going to get some Mickey D’s”.  In my sleepy haze I scanned the floor of the car for my shoes… not there.  We looked more… nothing.  I was on the way to a race that I didn’t have any shoes for (did I mention I’m half Polish?)  My dad had a mini-meltdown in the car and he dragged me into McDonalds and I enjoyed my sausage mcmuffin in my socks.  At that point i realized I was worse than the barefooted shoeless yokels that inhabit most of Southern Illinois, because I should have known better.  After that embarrassment I still was without footwear on my way to the race.  As a last ditch effort we resorted to the only option that was open at 7AM on a Saturday in Eureka, IL – Woolworth.  My dad bought me a pair of those white Keds that were probably women’s shoes and certainly were not meant for running – but I did run and I finished only to set up one final humiliation.  We walked into Chili’s for lunch before we left and the girl that seated us had my exact same shoes on – Fuck my life.

Texas – “Where the fuck is the Cat?”

Later in life I moved from Chicago to San Diego with my girlfriend, our dog and our cat (and all of our earthly possessions) in a Jeep Cherokee and a U-haul trailer.  We stopped after our second day of travel in Amarillo, Texas.  Amarillo is such a weird city – it is basically an enlarged truck-stop with a few shitty houses scattered along the desolate arid landscape.  We were exhausted and unloaded our necessities in the hotel and immediately went to bed.  I vaguely remember my girlfriend getting up in the morning to let the dog out and coming back into bed.  We awoke the next morning and were getting ourselves together to hit the road until we realized we were missing something… the cat.  We tore apart the room searching but the cat was gone.  Altogether we delayed our exit for over four hours looking for her – to no avail.  In the end I reasoned with her that we would never find the cat and we should just go.  I lied and said that the cat would probably be picked up by some friendly people and taken into their home.  I knew though that cat was street pizza at best, coyote food at worst.  The name of the cat you ask?  Gypsy… go figure.

Pennsylvania – “Where the fuck is the piss?”

My family made a mistake in Pennsylvania that I will never make again – eating at a fast food restaurant that is actually connected to a gas station.  Sweet Baby Jesus never intended Taco bell meat and a beef jerky displays to be that close to each other.  As we were finishing our sumptuous psuedo-Mexican feast my Dad went to the restroom.  As he was coming back to our seat he pulled me aside and told me to check out the guy with the sign in the bathroom and read what the guy had written.  I was perplexed.  I was half thinking that I was going to see one of the creepy guys who hands out mints and axe body spray but my Dad did not prepare me for what I did see.  I turned the corner in the restroom and did one of those “I’m-not-looking-but-I-am-looking-to-read-your-fucked-up-sign” kind of glance over to his crudely written cardboard sign.  It read “CLEAN PISS $40″.  As I walked to the urinal I pondered why anyone would pay $40 for piss then I realized that he was selling to the truckers coming through for their drug tests.  What a statement for free market economics.  Where there is a need a market will form… wow… USA!  USA!  USA!

Throughout the year I will be going state by state chronicling my more ridiculous road trip experiences… stay tuned!  Do you have any interesting road trip stories?