The scene of the worst date ever recorded...

I have been on many dates in my life.  Some good, some bad and some in between.  There is one night that is the current and probably will forever be the reigning champ for worst first date I have ever been on.  It all started innocently enough after I met this chick at the bar and we talked a few times on the phone and decided to go out to World Famous in Mission Beach for Taco Tuesday.  We did the usual chitchat about family and music and food and what we like to do in our free time and BLAH BLAH BLAH.  No sparks really flew but I can safely say we were enjoying ourselves and the date was going smoothly.

We came a bit later in the night so as we finished up our meal and I paid the bill the place was half full.  Our seat was close to one of the tinted windows which had a good view of the ocean during the day but was hard to see out of at night.  Just as we finished our drinks to leave this guy crept up, banged on the window and screamed “FUCK YOU – I’M GOING TO FUCKING KICK YOUR ASS” among other things in his 30 second expletive laced tirade.  I still remember the whites of his eyes bugging out of his head as he barked into the window standing about 3 feet from us.  We both were startled at first then we looked around the restaurant to see who he was yelling at.  A few of the other patrons noticed but quickly went back to their meals as the guy walked away from the window.  Confused, we both looked at each other wondering what the hell had just happened.

We shook it off and talked a bit more and were about 30 seconds from getting up and leaving. Then. it. happened.  I looked to my right and a 6+ foot black meth head came racing into the restaurant directly towards our table.  I was frozen and had no idea who this guy was or what he was going to do next.  He arrived at the foot of our table as the entire restaurant paused to stare at us to see what was going on.  It was at that point that I thought this guy was going to go Tyson on me but I was still too rattled to do anything.  He was seething mad – he looked Like Ray Lewis right before he shoots the gap trying to tackle a running back.  Well, his eyes looked like Ray Lewis but the rest of him was a different story.  He was covered in sand, dirt and who knows what else clothed only in a swim suit that looked like it had not been off of his body in at least 3 weeks.  He paused for a second and stared at my date.  “You can’t call me a nigger – you bitch!” he shouted and then he spit on her.  That’s right, he fired up a loogie that spattered all over her.  She was shocked – an alien could have landed on our table and done a break-dance routine and she would not have had a more surprised look on her face

OK – now I know what you are thinking – “Did you get up and kick this guys ass to defend your date’s honor?”  Abso-fucking-lutely NOT – I am not about to tussle with a cranked up meth-head for some girl after a first date.  My chivalry level is definitely lower than my self preservation level at that point in a relationship.  After a month – I probably get up and do something but after mediocre date #1 – no way.  The bouncers saw what was going to go down as soon as the guy came in and a couple moments after that fateful loogie left his lips they tossed him out of the bar and I was left with a spit covered date.  20 seconds went by in shocked silence until I said “I never knew that you were such a racist” with a completely straight face.  She didn’t laugh.  I gave her some tissue and my napkin and she dabbed herself off.  I still remember the little flecks of gross meth-head spittle clinging to her hair.

We walked to the car, drove back to her house and never called her again (don’t judge me).  The whole thing was just too traumatic to come back for a second date.  Ask yourself… could you kiss a chick that you saw drenched in hobo spit?  Didn’t think so.

I actually saw her a few months after the incident randomly out at the bar and we have seen each other a few times since and things were awkward at first but eventually everything was fine.  In fact she is trying to set me up with one of her friends… circle of life!

What is your worst first date story?

CDW – Sales (21-23)

Due to an unfortunate fake ID incident near the end of college I was sans driving privileges on my first day of work.  How did I get there you ask?  My Mom drove me… yes, that’s right, I arrived at my first day of work after college the exact way I got at school my first day of middle school.  CDW is made up of about a 1000 21-30 year-olds making 120-150 calls a day to try to pimp technology.  It was sweatshop filled with recent college graduates – if I were 12 years old and in Vietnam we would have been stitching soccer balls instead.  It was magnificent in its effectiveness and organization but utterly soul crushing to be an employee there.  My only real satisfaction was aggravating my boss.  I derived so much pleasure from covertly undermining him.  I once called him into a private meeting to tell him that one of the other guys that my boss loved  in the office was making gay advances on me and I wanted to make him aware of it.  I will never forget the face the guy made when I told him that… it was like I just killed his puppy.  After two years of him being an asshole to me and me passive aggressively messing with him I called it quits and headed for greener pastures in Southern California.

Career Lesson – If you don’t like someone at work then just avoid them, no matter how tempting it is to fuck with them, it is not worth it.

SOMC – Call Center Manager – (23)

I was moving to a new city… that is my only excuse for taking this job.  What an eye opener.  I was a call center manager in a run down office filled with people dialing-for-dollars by selling children’s software.  It was so shady. Most sales were made to old people who were so grateful that someone was talking to them that they would happily give out their credit card number for a few more minutes of human contact. The employees ranged from college students to recovering drug addicts.  There was a bus that took people from the halfway house directly to the office (not kidding).  I realized working there that I would never be able to make it in prison.  I had to fire an employee and halfway through the process he gave me a look like he was going to “shank” me.  After losing a few members of my team because they went back on meth I thought I should probably start looking for a new gig.  Eventually I got settled and met enough people not involved in the drug trade to help me land a new job.

Career Lesson – If you ever think you will get “shanked” by an employee you should probably quit.

The Salt Mine – Sales (23-24)

This career move shifted me from a shit job that paid nothing to a shit job that paid me far more than it should have.  I took inbound calls from people looking to sign up for Direct TV and it was my job to up-sell them and charge them as much as I could for the service.  It was easy and initially it paid a ton of money.  It was so brainless that I could read a book and sell at the same time.  Unlike CDW this office was filled with mid 30′s divorcee’s and guys who knocked up their girlfriends and had to do something to make ends meet.  It would have been a great job if it wasn’t for 2 things: 1 – It was pure commission and 2 – They looked for any reason to fire people.  It was like we were on Survivor except there was no million dollar prize and you were voted off the island if you were 2 (yes, 2) minutes late for your shift or the manager didn’t like you.  After a while they fucked with the quota structure and I went from making $40 and hour to about $20 and hour.  This is the main reason why sales sucks – you can go from making 80K a year to 40K a year in an afternoon.  Fuck that… time to bail.

Career Lesson – Commission only is no bueno…

GPC – Sales (24-25)

Working for a small company is a new adventure every day.  Not the fun Indiana Jones type of adventure but rather the kind of adventure where the company goes bankrupt and you lose out on thousands of dollars when they let me go.  It was a fun ride for a while, the owner was a great salesman and an excellent entrepreneur (except for the going bankrupt part.)  The first interview I had was over lunch.  I walked in and met a few different people in the office and the owner said he wanted to use my car to drive to lunch.  I was fine with that but he said that is a way that he eliminates candidates if they refuse or their car is a mess he ends the interview right there.  It is interesting to see what organizations with less resources do to vet employees.  I was pissed when they went under but it actually worked out for me in the end – I ended up landing a spot at my current job (I guess everything happens for a reason…)

Career Lesson – Make sure you don’t have a dead hooker in your back seat when you go to an interview.

Current Job – Sales (26-30)

Everything is WONDERFUL here!  No really… *looks over shoulder*

Career Lesson – People get fired for what they write on their blogs…

Do you have any post graduation job stories?