Animal Hospital – Veterinarian’s Bitch (15-17 years old)

From a young age I always thought that I wanted to be in the life sciences, so it would be a great idea to help out at the local vet… right?  Well… helping out meant cleaning up shit and piss (no big deal,  I expected this), pilling animals (not so fun – you try jamming a pill down the throat of a cat who would like nothing better than to claw you to death) and carrying euthanized animals to the freezer (many pet cemetery nightmare visions passed through my young brain).  I also had to lock up after everyone left and set the alarm.  Yes – the ladies over at the vet’s office thought it would be a great idea to have a 15 year old solely responsible for their business after hours.  I accidentally set off that alarm about 20 times and knew the guy from the alarm company by his first name.   The minute they started to dock my pay for the alarm company visits I decided that I was due for a career change (that, and my parents thought I was going to get murdered by some degenerates looking to steal drugs and syringes from the clinic).  Overall it was a good experience to get one of my shittiest (literally) jobs out of the way early in my career.

Career Lesson – The life sciences may not be right for me.

Sports Authority – Footwear Associate (17-20)

This was the job that I wanted to get when I went to work for the vet but they would not hire me until I was 16 (age discrimination!).  They actually gave me a hair drug test which I never understood.  Luckily I was up with hope and down with dope at that point so I had no worries.  Why would the most intense drug test of my career be used for selling athletic shoes?  Its like having an FBI style background check to work at McDonald’s.  The guy who ran the place was a walking endorsement of why you would never want to use your college degree for a career in retail sales management.  He basically lived at the store, made no more then 70K a year and took shit from a bunch of high schoolers all day long.  No wonder why he was such an asshole.  My most vivid memory from my time working there was when I mistook a butch looking chick for a man and told her that “the men’s shoes are in the other aisle, sir”.  She turned around and I wanted to crawl in a shoe and die.

Career Lesson – Don’t choose a job that forces you to work past 5PM or deal with anyone younger than 21 on a regular basis.

College Pro – Painter (19)

It is great to be outside and feel like you are creating something tangible but being hungover and having to get up on a ladder at 7AM can be a dicey proposition.  The summer I worked for College Pro I almost killed myself about two dozen times.  Anytime I heard someone say “Yo – Ultraparadoxical, you’re tall, get over here” I knew that I was going to be risking my life very shortly.  It usually meant that they were too lazy to haul a “set-up” on a rooftop and I was going to have to get on the last rung of a ladder on my tip-toes to get one last spot.  This job had no drug test and it led to the whole crew (excluding me – I swear) getting baked at lunch.  Highlights of the stoned activity included dumping a can of paint on a homeowner’s dog, putting a ladder through a window and (my personal favorite) a guy passing out on a blacktop roof and almost going to the hospital for heat exposure.

Career Lesson – Your job is not worth risking your life for and manual labor sucks…

Michigan State Vehicle Depot – Car Washer (18-19)

If it didn’t pay $6.25 an hour this would have been my dream job.  We were in charge of sending the various university owned cars through the automated car wash system then cleaning the interior.  Our manager (this big fat black lady we called “Boomquita”) thought it took us 40 minutes to wash a car.  It took 5.  I would wash 3 right in a row and go joyriding around campus.  I beat the shit out of the cars and would punch in and drive my buddies around in a V-10 van all day.  It all came to a crashing end when one day Boomquita inexplicably decided to come in on a Sunday (she was NEVER there on Sunday) and everyone was punched in but no one was there.  She busted our asses after that and it just wasn’t the same.  $6.25 is not worth ACTUALLY washing cars… are they crazy?

Career Lesson – It is great to work for someone who is lazier then you are.

Michigan State Telemarketing – Telemarketing Manager (19-21)

I never knew how  many chicks I was going to meet when I signed up for this job.  They should have put that as a job benefit.  I hired a new crop of 18-21 year old college students every week and I ran around there like I owned the place.  It really could not have worked out any better.  It was a pretty loose work environment… so loose that one of my coworkers de-pants me and I expose my bare cock to about 15 telemarketers.  I quickly pulled up my pants and said “I hope I didn’t poke anyone’s eye out”… pretty weak but it was the best I could come up with on the fly.  Probably one of the top 10 most embarrassing moments of my life.

Career Lesson – Wear a belt to work…

What were your career lessons from your pre-graduation jobs?  Stay tuned for part two on Wednesday…

Basically everyone tries to be as nice as possible to you that day.  You can be a dick to anyone and just say “Awwww, c’mon, its my birthday…” – and all is forgiven.  All for doing something that no one remembers – graduating from a fetus to a human!  Some people take it to the extreme – I have one friend that will literally extend her birthday to cover over 2 weeks of activities.  Unacceptable – I can’t be overly nice to someone for that long.  I refuse to buy in to that program.  Your birthday is one day, you can only use your birthday to get off the hook once.  After that your friends are allowed to treat you like shit again.

I have noticed over the years that there is an evolution process to the actual birthday celebrations and I want to be the first to chronicle the import birthday “eras”

The Pants Shitting Era (0-5 years)

These birthday celebrations are marked by the birthday boy/girl smashing cake all over their face and not knowing what the fuck is really going on.  At best, they are excited that they are getting showered with attention but they have no idea why.

Aggravating Toy Era (6-11 years)

This era is where you finally know why people are staring at you encouraging you to blow out the candles on the cake.  It is also the golden age of birthdays, it doesn’t get much better than this.  Basically you are allowed to get juiced up on as much candy, cake, soda and meth (maybe not meth) that you can handle and you are set loose with your family to run amok with no consequences.  The name of this era is derived from the toys that you get.  Many of which are so elaborate that they require a advanced degree in engineering to put together.  I remember on my 8th Birthday I got a ridiculous GI Joe contraption called “Rolling Thunder” and I suckered my Godmother’s husband into putting it together.  About halfway through he looked like he needed a smoke and a stiff drink.  Almost everyone had left the party at that point and he was still trying to figure out how to get the wheels on.  But… like I said, “Awwww, c’mon, its my Birthday…” – works every time.

Dawn of the Dual Party Era (12-16)

At about 12 you finally realize that you are way cooler than your family and having a inflatable moonwalk in your backyard is will make your friends think you are a douche.  So to fix this you have both a friends party and a family party.  The family party fundamentally changes because at this point you are trying to be cool and don’t want to be treated like a kid any more.  It totally drains the fun out of the celebration and it is the antithesis of the “Aggravating Toy Era”.  The party with your friends is only half fun because you can’t drink yet and usually ends with your fat friend getting injured in the ball pit at Chuck-e-Cheese.

How the Fuck do I get Booze Era (17-20)

By this point you know that you need alcohol to tolerate all of your friends for an extended get-together (I swear I am not an alcoholic) but you are not allowed to legally consume.  These birthday years are focused on 2 things – How do I get booze for my party? and Where can I drink with my friends and not get hassled?  At this age no avenue is left unchecked – older siblings, stealing beer out of people’s garages, or even begging random scumbags outside of the liquor store.  These parties are always disasters because it is amateur hour – the party usually ends with someone puking in your parents clothes hamper and you best friend passing out in the garden.

Drink away the Reality of Aging Era (21-30)

The start of this era is the last significant birthday.  After this age really doesn’t matter anymore unless you are concerned about getting signed up for AARP.  Age 21 hits, you are legally allowed to vote, drink and drive – it is all downhill from there.  Birthdays don’t mean anything after that, it is just another step towards the next “pants shitting era” (this one you need adult diapers for though.)  The 21st is the apex of drinking and usually a fun time disaster.  This is not to say that life is over but rather that birthdays start to not be as fun.  Friends get married, have kids and start to slow down a bit.  The same buddy that used to pass out in your parents back yard now needs to call his wife if he is going to be home 15 minutes late.

Uncharted Territory Era (31-Peace out)

I don’t know much about this era of birthdays because I have not experienced them yet.  Today is my 30th birthday and I am planning to end my “Drink Away the Reality of Aging Era” in style.  Due to this I will not be posting anything on Friday – I was hoping to have a guest blogger write something for me but they are a little lazy *cough* Looking in your direction BB and KS *cough* *cough*

Anyways… thanks for reading – see you on the other side of my 30′s!

Top 9 Drunken Moments (In no particular order)

Cabo Cantina, San Diego – 2 for 1 drinks sound like a great deal but it can get ugly fast.  One of my friends was hitting on some blond at the bar and she started to playfully slap him in the face.  In his mind it turned from playful to annoying quickly.  He asked her to stop 3 times and when she didn’t he made her pay the price with a buy-one-get-one-free-corona-douching.  He unloaded both beers over her head… when I looked over I thought they were celebrating winning the World Series – the bouncers did not think it was so funny and booted him.

PT O’Malley’s, East Lansing- This was the apex of my drunkenness in college, my 21st birthday.  After getting into the bar at midnight, plowing through 20 shots (I couldn’t quite stomach the 21st, a Dirty Girl Scout) and getting kicked out at 1 AM I stumbled back to my house on a spree of stupidity and violence.  I  finally arrived home ready to pass out only to run smack dab into another party.  Everyone knew I was wasted and wanted to fuck with me, especially one of the older guys who I will call “Charlie”.  ”Charlie” took it a little too far and was jabbing me in the gut trying to make me puke.  I asked him to stop once… the second time I threw him in a headlock and didn’t let go until he stopped struggling.  As I released my grip and he fell back like a pile of bricks and thudded on the floor motionless.  One of he fellow party goers cried out “You killed Charlie!”  I thought I did… until a few gasps of air erupted from his mouth.  For about 15 seconds I thought I was going to be spending the remainder of my 20′s in the pokey on manslaughter charges.  Thanks booze!

Some Banquet Hall, Southfield- This day in drunken history was the wedding of one of my friends who was the first to get married out of college – always a recipe for disaster.  This is probably the number 1 MVD (most valuable drunk) performance that I have ever witnessed.  My drunk buddy:

• Smashed an entire bottle of red wine on the carpet of the banquet hall.
• When the bar was closed for the night filled his own pitcher from the tap as the bartender chased him away.
• Refused to give the pitcher back even when the bride’s Dad demanded it.
• Was told by the bride’s dad that he “Thought it would be best if you would just leave”
• Pissed on the front step of the hall (one hand outstretched, propping him up) as relatives were filing out of the entrance
• Went to the parking lot, smashed another entire bottle of red wine, fell into it and cut his face and arms on the shards of glass.
• Finished the night in the women’s restroom getting his bloody face dabbed clean with a tampon by the groom’s mom

I challenge you for a better MVD…

The Bank/Carmel, Las Vegas – Pop quiz time – On the off chance that you would have an “accident” in your pants at the bar would you:

A – Tell Everyone what you just did

B – Continue to wear your pee pants the rest of the night

C – Wear the same pee pants on the flight home the next morning

D – All of the above

If your answer is D then you may have a lot in common with one of my friends.

Rick’s, East Lansing- The infamous psych out spree of 2009.  In my last visit to East Lansing one of my friends broke the record for consecutive high-5 psych outs (This was after he told the girlfriend of a football player that she looked like she could bowl a 280 – AKA she was a lesbian.)    Trust me, next time you are wasted burn random strangers walking by with a psych out… hilarity ensues.

Blarney Stone, San Diego- After a night at the local shitty Irish pub we came back to the house.  I went to bed with the chick that I was dating at the time and my roommates went outside to have a smoke.  About 10 minutes later I heard a commotion and one of my roomies screaming “GET IT OUT OF HIS MOUTH… GET IT OUT OF HIS MOUTH!!!”.  I threw on some pants and came out of the room to see my roomate’s birdcage smashed open on the floor and 3 cats tearing them to shreds.  Long story short we buried the bird outside and I lead a half drunk eulogy for my fallen avian brothers.

My Parents House, Chicago – Lets just say after Christmas 2007 the new name for a Dirty Martini is a “Grammy Killer”.

Tribeca Tavern, New York- We tried the impossible – an uptown to downtown bar crawl.  We ended up at Tribeca Tavern after we had already been getting kicked out of another bar for throwing batteries and almost hitting the bartender.  Yes, BATTERIES and no this wasn’t a prison riot, it was a bar crawl.  The 4 of us were sitting there in a stupor when one of my friends apparently was done with her gum.  She fired it out of her mouth, it arced up into the air and came to rest on the very edge of the bar.  Apparently she reconsidered her action because without a word she got up from her seat, walked over and retrieved the gum back off the bar with her teeth.  One of my fellow bar crawlers looked over to me with a deadpan face and said ”That happened.”

LandShark, East Lansing- After a fun night at the bar that included one of my friends making out with a chick we dubbed “The Dump Truck” (mind you this happened in the middle of the bar and we took so many pictures that all of the flashes going off looked like Leonardo Decaprio walked in with some paparazzi) we finally got “last-called” and left.  One of my friends thought it would be a great idea to tackle another one of my friends in the street.  It was NOT a good idea – one friend ended up with a scab on his upper lip reminiscent of Hitler and she smashed her hand on the ground.  She consulted Dr. Ultraparadoxical on what she should do about her hand.  I told her to sleep it off…

Bad idea – she woke up in the morning with her hand completely purple and looking like the dude from Scary Movie 4.  the next day was spent at the emergency room with her Dad instead of tailgating… good times!

Let me know if you have any good ones.  Thanks for reading!

When I was a student and the alumnus would come back I thought that they were the massive tools.  I mean, why  would you come back to campus when you are that old?  Didn’t you have better things to do once you had graduated than get shit faced and act like a complete asshole?  No… the answer is a resounding, NO.  Back then I thought after graduation I would magically transform into an adult.  In reality though, the weight of life after college is slowly dropped on your back - jobs, debts, obligations, marriage and kids are piled on and sleeping until noon and 3 weeks off for Christmas become distant memories.  Don’t get me wrong – I love my life now – but college was fantastic.  I know I am old – but fuck it – I’m going to go back to school and become the same asshole that I hated 10 years ago.  I have earned it.

Now that I got that out of the way – whenever you go back to a familiar place you have not been to in a while there is always the possibility of a chance encounter with someone who you have not seen in years and didn’t think you would see again.  To keep things straight I want to make a list; I don’t want to forget anyone.  In no particular order I would like to see:

• The creepy Asian kid with BO who I used to copy off of in Calculus class so I could give him a hi-five. If it wasn’t for him I never would have graduated.  He probably is head of engineering at some bio-tech start-up and hopefully he has made enough dough to buy some deodorant.
• That backstabbing bitch that tried to sell out our entire marketing group in order to better her own grade so I could pour a beer on her. I think she initiated my hatred for all things marketing.  She tried to secretly meet with the professor to say she did the whole project and the group did not participate.  Vintage marketing person – a fake cheery exterior that hides a lazy vindictive skank – she is probably a marketing director by now.  There is no one with less use than the people in the marketing department – take it from me, I’m a marketing major.
• The chick who talked like a pirate so I can watch her speak. It wasn’t what she said that was necessarily pirate-like – it was more how she talked that reminded me of Ahab.  You can even try it at home!  Purse the right side of your lips – now try to ask for a beer.  Presto, you’re talking like a pirate.  One of my buddies once gave her a sandwich to see if she would only feed one half of her mouth-hole.  The test was inconclusive.
• The team of dickheads that worked the graveyard shift at Taco Bell so I could throw a chalupa at them.  Wait… maybe I was the drunk asshole and they were just trying to do their job.  That’s not the point – the point IS – they sucked at life.  The team of service “professionals” over at the Bell would swear at customers at the slightest bit of provocation and once threw a hot sauce packet in my buddy’s face after he tried to return nachos.  The hatred on campus of the employees at Taco Bell was so intense that after the Duke vs MSU final four game when riots broke out  no one touched any of the shops on Grand River Ave. – except Taco Bell – and it was TRASHED.  *Side note* Some friends of mine once tried to steal the gumball machine there and got it halfway out the door before it tipped and shattered all over the ground releasing about 800 gumballs to the “hungry-hungry-hippo-like” crowd of drunken students… classic. *End Side note*
• The guy who rode a bike around campus painted in Green and White so I can give him money for a skin cancer screening.  It can’t be healthy to continually coat your entire torso in heavy makeup every day and ride around shirtless on a bike. When did this sound like a good idea for this guy?  Was he sitting in his apartment one day saying “Hmmmm… I wonder how I can 1 -make an ass of myself 2 – guarantee I wont get laid and 3 – waste away my 20′s?  Thats it!  I can ride around on a bike waving around a flag in the middle of winter!”

If I can just run into one of these people i will consider my trip a success… scratch that, if I get wasted and one of my friends makes a huge ass of themselves then I will come back with a big smile on my face.

Do you have any people from your past that you would like to meet up with again?  What would you like to do to them?

Don’t ask me how it works - I think It has something to do with Testosterone, Etstrogen or maybe Chlorophyll.  No matter how hard a guy tries there is always a percentage of him that at his core is an asshole and craziness just comes naturally to women (I know these are broad generalizations and I am certainly no relationship guru but hear me out - and if you can’t then go back to work… OK, still with me?  Good).   There is no way around it, that’s just how it is.  To make my argument a little clearer it would probably be helpful for me to explain exactly what I mean by “crazy” and “bastard”. 

The craziness in women generally comes from accentuating a certain feeling on a situation to the point where it defies common logic.  If someone has been dating a chick for a while obviously he thinks that she is attractive but if she does not feel attractive for any given reason and the guy makes an innocuous comment about her looks it could end in disaster.  It doesn’t make sense but it becomes a reality due to the “crazy”.  Men are bastards because they can take logic to such an extreme that decisions do not take into account the feelings behind their actions or what they can represent.  Every action is not some grand proclamation on the state of the relationship or an event that needs to be dissected to figure out its true meaning.  This is the central cause of all relationship problems and if people could accept this and take it into consideration when dealing with the opposite sex then the world would be a much better place.  Don’t believe me?  How about some examples:

1 – In college there was this guy who lived in my house that was a man-whore of the dirtiest kind.  He would sleep with anything (his 2 requirements, 1 – Pulse 2 – vagina).  He wasn’t bad looking  but to paint a better picture of this guy – he once passed out in my room (on the floor) watching football and he smelled so bad we sprayed him with Lysol.  Anyways, he was fighting with his on-again-off again girlfriend who he would hang out with whenever he had nothing else going on.  These fights were a regular occurrence and a few of my other friends and I would pretend to play Madden an adjacent room and eavesdrop on their fights.  It was pure comedy.  She would spout off nonsense about them progressing their relationship to the next level and he would just blow her off or twist the argument to make it sound like she was being a bitch.  It the classic crazy/bastard dynamic… she was crazy enough to rationalize in her own mind that this was a legitimate relationship and he was enough of a bastard to let her hang in the wind with these misguided notions when he would never be what she wanted him to be and he knew it.  She had this picture of him and how things could be that she held on to rather than logically looking at how he treated her and dumping the asshole.  Predictably their relationship ended in a blaze of glory with her storming out of the house after a especially vicious fight exclaiming “You don’t know what you want… but you want it ALL”.  Truer (or crazier) words have never been spoken.

2 – From personal experience I love me some crazy girl.  I don’t know what it is about them but there is some sort of attraction to the chaos that an especially crazy girl can bring to any situation.  I make most of my decisions based on logic and thinking things through from a calculated perspective so I need an infusion of emotion every now and again as a change of pace.  Since I can’t do it myself I look to the women in my life to do it for me.  It has definitely caused me heartache but I still go back (wait… that sounds illogical and crazy – scratch that, it kills my argument).  I have had a glass of water dumped on my head for no reason (I swear, was not my fault – ask the other people who were at the table innocently chewing on their sushi), moved to San Diego on a whim and broken up and got back together with a girl 8 times - all for the “crazy”.  It doesn’t help that the hotter a person is usually coincides with how much of a bastard or crazy that they are.  If a chick is smoking hot I am much more likely to put up with drunken nights of crying or lashing out if the makeup sex is good.

There is something about the “crazy” or the “bastard” in all of us that hypnotizes the opposite sex.  Everyone wants what they can’t have and in this instance what we can’t have is a different prism to view life through.  While this idea is not ALWAYS true it works most of the time – roles can definitely be reversed.  In reality it boils down to why we are so different as men and women and if we could only see those differences more clearly and adapt to them we would be far happier in our relationships.

Do you have any “crazy” or “bastard” stories to back me up…  or show me how completely-fucking-wrong I am?

*Sidenote* – I learned how to format my labs Freshman year in college from this Asian lady, Miss Chen, who (to put it lightly) had a tentative grasp on the finer points of the English language.  The lab was on Monday morning at 8AM - I spent half of the class trying to decipher her chinglish while pretending I knew what I was doing and simultaneously trying to get in my lab partners pants… 

Anyways, one hazy, hungover Monday morning Ms. Chen looked me dead in the eyes and asked ”Did you get any ass?”.  I froze – what the fuck did she just say?  I dropped what I was doing and looked at her like she had just taken a shit in chapter 17 of my chemistry book.  Apparently she sensed my confusion and reiterated her question “Did YOU get any ASS?” and crinkled her brow behind her oversized protective goggles.  “Uh… Wha… Wha… What?” was all that I was able to sputter out as I took a few sidelong glances at my lab partner who apparently heard the same thing as I did.  Was this the first ever recorded case of a chemistry TA cockblocking someone the middle of  a lab?  Did she see me at that party on Linden with those Pi Phi’s?  She was obviously an insane stalker.  For the third time she pointed over my shoulder and said once more ”DID YOU GET ANY ASS?”.  I turned around and saw the rest of the class grabbing dried ice out of the coolers behind my lab partner.  Ice… not ASS… ICE! *End Sidenote*

Determining Effects of Alcohol, Drug and Tobacco Deprivation on Humans

Statement of Problem: What are the effects on a 29 year old single male abstaining from any mind altering substances for 30 days?

Hypothesis: The subject in question will grow to hate all of his drunk friends and not make any bad decisions (IE – have fun) for that 30 day period.

Materials: club soda (no vodka) – car (designated driver duties) – patience (dealing with shit-faced friends) – Blockbuster Video card (renting movies because going out is not what it once was)

Procedure: Carry on through normal social activities without the aid of drugs or alcohol.  This includes but is not limited to happy hours, Taco Tuesdays, football Sundays, birthday parties, bar crawls, Columbus Day, Monday afternoon, going away parties, screenings of  The Wall, work functions, concerts, weddings and any other social engagements that may require a reasonable person to tip back a few cocktails (read: all of them).

Results: I have almost completed this experiment and there are a few things that I have noticed:

• My friends are MASSIVE douche-bags when they are drunk.  I can not understate this.  MASSIVE.  This is not to say that I don’t suck when I’m drunk, because I know I do.  Something about viewing things through the lens of sobriety makes pissing on the side of the bar seem like not such a great idea - just sayin’.
• Meeting chicks at the bar can be excruciating.  Some tramp with her top half falling off - breath smelling of Red Bull and Vodka – trying to get me to take a picture of her friends pretending to smack each other on the ass loses a bit of its charm when I’m sober.  It’s a wonder anyone hooks up.  It is like letting lose a gaggle of retards and watching them randomly bump into each other until they pair off for no discernible reason.
• Everyone needs to comment on my non-drinking, it is non-stop.  If I have another shithead ask me if they can buy me a shot when they know I can’t drink I give them the “Rhianna” treatment.
• When I am driving at 2AM without a drop of alcohol in my system I am invincible to any Cops.  Since almost everyone else on the road is a little buzzed I feel like I can drive like I’m “Tokyo Drifting” and if a cop pulls me over he will HAVE to let me go since I am 100% sober.  Probably not true but whatever.
• Every event involves at least a little drinking.  I have been looking for a 30 day window to fit my sobriety into where I didn’t have any “mandatory” drinking activities that I couldn’t miss.  I was unsuccessful until now and I have been waiting since March.  Even taking that into consideration I still have been to tons of events that I would normally be drinking if it was not for my self imposed sobriety.
• Despite all of the negatives, I feel great.  I am more alert.  I take less naps.  I have more productive weekends.  The physical aspect of this has been so apparent that I may continue some aspects of my self imposed ban even after my 30 days is done…

Conclusion: Sobriety sucks – I am getting shitfaced the day after my 30 days is up.  I don’t hate my friends I just want to be drunk enough that I don’t care how dumb they/I are.  Bottoms up!

I watched it religiously all through grade school and into high school.  Then it became syndicated and I was able to watch it every day.  This continued through high school and even into college where the 2 hours that the reruns played were dedicated solely to Simpsons viewing.  In college my house would literally shut down during this time of the day.  To be honest though I have not watched a new Simpson’s episode in a few years and disavow all knowledge of any new episodes being created after 2002.    My hours of couch time spent watching this show has given me an encyclopedic knowledge of any Simpsons episode from seasons 3-13 (the early episodes have not aged well).  So in honor of Marge Simpson appearing on the cover of Playboy I am examining the best of the best Simpsons episodes from those years:

9 – Rosebud – October 21st, 1993

“64 slices of American cheese…”

Turning the tables on someone who has more power over you is always fun… except when you are an idiot and you have no idea how to use that “something” to your advantage.

8 – Itchy and Scratchy Land – October 2nd, 1994

“We have another jumper on the roof of TGI McScratchy’s”

Of all of the episodes I may have watched this one the most.  I happened to tape this one sometime in high school and watched it whenever there was nothing else on.  One thing though, Marge says “See Homer, that’s why your robot never worked” (pointing to the circuits in the head of an robot Scratchy), I still don’t get that joke – but for some reason I laugh at it.

7 – Take My Wife, Sleaze – November 28th 1999

“When in an interview, try not to call your employer a punk or a skank.”

Not much to say about this episode other than can’t think of a better name for a biker gang than Christ Punchers.  Also, any time someone says the word resumé, I immediately think of the biker gang members…

6 – Lisa the Vegetarian – October 15th, 1995

“Another Whopper for the COPPER!”

A part of me always knew… but this episode confirmed that “You don’t make friends with salad… you don’t make friends with salad.”

5 – El Viaje Misterioso De Nuestro Homer – January 7th, 2009

“In your face Space Coyote!”

This episode reminds me of college and gave me some indispensable advice, specifically I knew exactly what to do if I ever woke up hungover in a sand trap.  As well as that you never kick a turtle in the ass if he is trying to lead the way to your spirit guide.

4 – You Only Move Once – November 3rd, 1996

“Did you ever see a guy talk to a pair of shoes?”

This episode never shows up on any of people’s favorites list but for me it is one of the best.  I watched this many times in college and it helped me develop my skewed view of what the job world awaiting me would be like.  Add that to making fun of developmentally disabled schools “They think I’m slow because I’m from Canada”, make this one a winner.

3 – Homer Goes to College – October 14, 1993

“NNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRDDDDDDDDDDDDSSSSSSSS!”

This episode was one of Conan O’Brien’s last episodes and one of the best of the series.  For the simple fact that this introduced the word “Nerdlinger” into my vocabulary it is essential on this Top 9 list.

2 – $pringfield – December 16, 1993

“That’s a right triangle, you idiot!”

I love gambling and to see an unlikely target for vice, Marge, get sucked into Gamblor’s evil neon claws is especially rewarding.  To this day I still want to see the episode of The Gong Show with the break dancing robot that caught on fire.

1 – Deep Space Homer – February 24th, 1994

“I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords”

This episode typifies the intelligent commentary on media, politics and everyday life that drew so many people to the series (and still sneaks in a joke about Mr. T).  It was a show that exemplified the truth about the world we live in more than any show before it.  It  paved the way for the age of entertainment we live in today where we are more likely to get our news from comedians and laugh at politicians.  In the end this episode may be truly prophetic “Wait… that was our Planet!”

As I started to write this article I had no idea how difficult this was and I know I missed a bunch.  Are there any glaring omissions?