Ultraparadoxical

Even though I am a self proclaimed sloth I have had at least a part time job since I was 15.  Anything that I am doing for money will eventually become (at least sometimes) something that I inherently dislike.  Even if I was the oil-boy for the Tropicana Girls Bikini Team the alarm would go off some mornings and I would dread even having to rub down some scantily clad honeys.  Jobs to me are just that – JOBS – they are a means to an end.  Whatever I can do to make the most amount of money and suffer the least aggravation then that is what I want to do.  It opens up more freedom in my personal time where I can enjoy life.  In this 2 part series I am going to dig into the past and relive my career job by job and try to pull out some lessons that I still hold on to today.  Part one covers everything up until my college graduation… read more »

Birthdays are interesting rituals.  It is supposed to be a special day but in reality it doesnt make much sense why we put such an emphasis on that day.  I have always thought that is was funny that we celebrate our emergence from our mother’s vagina.  I guess it is something that everyone has in common and surviving another year on earth is a pretty impressive feat.

Basically everyone tries to be as nice as possible to you that day.  You can be a dick to anyone and just say “Awwww, c’mon, its my birthday…” – and all is forgiven.  All for doing something that no one remembers – graduating from a fetus to a human!  Some people take it to the extreme – I have one friend that will literally extend her birthday to cover over 2 weeks of activities.  Unacceptable – I can’t be overly nice to someone fro that long.  I refuse to buy in to that program.  Your birthday is one day, you can only use your birthday to get off the hook once.  After that your friends are allowed to treat you like shit again.

I have noticed over the years that there is an evolution process to the actual birthday celebrations and I want to be the first to chronicle the import birthday “eras” read more »

There are times in life where you wonder why you ever waste your time drinking and going out… then your friend makes an ass of themselves and it is all worthwhile.  These are a collection of those incidents…

Top 9 Drunken Moments (In no particular order)

Cabo Cantina, San Diego – 2 for 1 drinks sound like a great deal but it can get ugly fast.  One of my friends was hitting on some blond at the bar and she started to playfully slap him in the face.  In his mind it turned from playful to annoying quickly.  He asked her to stop 3 times and when she didn’t he made her pay the price with a buy-one-get-one-free-corona-douching.  He unloaded both beers over her head… when I looked over I thought they were celebrating winning the World Series – the bouncers did not think it was so funny and booted him. read more »

There will be no post on Friday (I know, put away the razor blades and drain the luke-warm water from the tub, I will be back on Monday) because I will be traveling back to my Alma Mater to hang out with some friends.  I have not been back in a few years and I didn’t think I would go back for a long time.  I am excited to go  – even though I am going to feel like an old sack of douche compared to the students (some of which that had been born in the 90’s – *GASP*)  Looking back on my previous posts it is obvious that I had been thinking about college in anticipation of this trip and I think another walk down memory lane couldn’t hurt.

When I was a student and the alumnus would come back I thought that they were the massive tools.  I mean, why  would you come back to campus when you are that old?  Didn’t you have better things to do once you had graduated than get shit faced and act like a complete asshole?  No… the answer is a resounding, NO.  Back then I thought after graduation I would magically transform into an adult.  In reality though, the weight of life after college is slowly dropped on your back - jobs, debts, obligations, marriage and kids are slowly piled on and the sleep until noon and 3 weeks off at Christmas become a distant memory.  Don’t get me wrong – I love my life now – but college was fantastic.  I know I am old – but fuck it – I’m going to go back to school and become the same asshole that I hated 10 years ago.  I have earned it. read more »

In my estimation all women are crazy and all men are bastards.

Don’t ask me how it works - I think It has something to do with Testosterone, Etstrogen or maybe Chlorophyll.  No matter how hard a guy tries there is always a percentage of him that at his core is an asshole and craziness just comes naturally to women (I know these are broad generalizations and I am certainly no relationship guru but hear me out - and if you can’t then go back to work… ok, still with me?  Good).   There is no way around it, thats just how it is.  To make my argument a little clearer it would probably be helpful for me to explain exactly what I mean by “crazy” and “bastard”.  read more »

Sooo… I have been conducting a little experiment with myself for the past few weeks.  I took my Dad up on a $100 bet and agreed to lay off the sauce for 30 days.  I have about a week left and my sobriety has ranged from a non-issue to a night-ruiner and everywhere in between.  I have not written a lab report in about a decade so I figured I would dust off some of my long forgotten skills I picked up in CHEM 101 and get all scientific for a bit.

*Sidenote* – I learned how to format my labs Freshman year in college from this Asian lady, Miss Chen, who (to put it lightly) had a tentative grasp on the finer points of the English language.  The lab was on Monday morning at 8AM - I spent half of the class trying to decipher her chinglish while pretending I knew what I was doing and simultaneously trying to get in my lab partners pants…  read more »

For this edition of Top Nine Friday I wanted to examine a television show that has been close to my heart ever since I was just a youngster playing with GI Joes and avoiding getting my ass beat by my older brothers.   That show is MASH… just kidding, I hate that fucking show.  Just hearing the first few notes of the opening song of MASH makes me wish the Korean War never happened, just so that show was never made.  Anyways, the show I am really referring to is The Simpsons.

I watched that it religiously all through grade school and into high school.  Then it became syndicated and I was able to watch it every day.  This continued through high school and even into college where the 2 hours that the reruns played were dedicated solely to Simpsons viewing.  In college my house would literally shut down during this time of the day.  To be honest though I have not watched a new Simpson’s episode in a few years and disavow all knowledge of any new episodes being created after 2002.    My hours of couch time spent watching this show has given me an encyclopedic knowledge of any Simpsons episode from seasons 3-13 (the early episodes have not aged well).  So in honor of Marge Simpson appearing on the cover of Playboy I will examine the best of the best Simpsons episodes from those years: read more »