Although I have never been in the Army and am probably more on the pussy side of the scale than the badass side (I’m a lover, not a fighter) I feel like I could relate to them.  Not in any type of military context, since 100% of these guys are way tougher than I am, but rather in a symbolic way.  The previous night I played wingman to one of my buddies who had been visiting for the weekend.

This chick that he had a hardon for is living in Melbourne she decided to come to Sydney with one of her buddies for the long weekend.  Hanging out with this chick’s friend was certainly not me jumping on a “grenade” by any means, she was cute, definitely not my cup of tea, but a cute girl nonetheless.  Chatting up her friend was not where I was reluctantly called to duty but rather with some random old lady whose house they were staying at.  Apparently my visitors friend met this lady a while back and she offered that they stay at her place in Liverpool (an hour out of the Sydney).

When my buddy initially talked to the girls they were complaining about how far the place they were staying was (which it is).  I chimed in and offered that they could crash at my pad.  They, meaning the 2 girls, not THEY meaning the two girls and their old wet blanket soccer mom.  However, just as the mighty Australian fighters did during their battle at Gallipoli, I persevered.  When the girl I was talking to started to spout off racist theories on Aborigines (They have sex in the front yard and throw garbage in the streets!) – I persevered, when the psuedo-Mom was trying to cock-block my friend and I ran interference by chatting her up – I persevered, when the old lady came back to my house to crash and complained about being hungry – I persevered (and made her pasta).

At some point though even the most stalwart wingmen must fight thier own battles and look out for themselves.  I closed the door and retreated to my bedroom at about 4AM.  Leaving my friend and his chick on one side of the couch and what looked like a refugee camp with a snoring old lady on the other end.

The next day I was just about done with the wing-man routine as we went out to the bars for ANZAC day with the same “ladies”.  It was kind of gloomy and I really didn’t feel like drinking much.  If this were some random US holiday I probably would have just taken it easy and called it an early night.  It wasn’t a random US holiday though, it was mother-fucking ANZAC Day.  Little did I know I was walking into one of the most finely crafted holidays ever.

It is a widely known fact that Australians love holidays and love drinking.  It is a not so widely known fact that are huge gamblers as well.  ANZAC day is a pretty standard holiday except it heavily incorporates drinking and gambling combined with a public holiday.  Basically, this is my personal holy trinity of fun (… in the name of the lazy, the drunk and the gambling spirit… amen).  Let me explain.  Apparently the Australian sailors who got their asses handed to them in Gallipoli played a game called “2-up” when they weren’t getting shot at.  This game was banned in Australia because of the problems it caused but for this one day, ANZAC day, they lift the ban.

2-up follow’s Australia’s tradition of simplicity.  Basically, everyone at the pub stands around in a circle with one person in the middle as the coin flipper.  If you would like to bet that the outcome is “heads” you put whatever denomination you would like in your hand and point to your head.  If you would like “tails” you look for someone that is pointing to their head and give them an equal amount of money that they are holding up.  The person betting heads holds the cash until the flipping is complete and the coins come up either 2 heads or 2 tails.  If  ”heads” wins the person keeps the money in hand, if “tails” wins the “heads”  person gives all the money to the tails person.  That’s it.  Simple.  Oh, one last wrinkle – if there are 5 flips without definitive heads or tails the flipper has to do push-ups (if a guys is flipping) or jumping-jacks (if a girl is flipping)… good times.

Like I said, the Australians nailed this one.  They hit the trinity of fun PLUS girls doing jumping jacks. BINGO.  Anyways it was a glorious afternoon.  We really need to sort out something similar to this in the US… maybe Roulettines Day… or Blackjackeen… maybe Crapshanuka?  Ah, forget it…

1. The Tryptophan Myth – I loathe this conversation and it happens every Thanksgiving.  After dinner is done someone eventually says that they are tired and someone always has to pipe up being all “Mr. Wizard” and explain that there is a drug in Turkey called Tryptophan that makes you sleepy.  Everyone takes it as fact.  It has nothing to do with fucking tryptophan and EVERYTHING to do with the 5 plates of food you engulfed and the half case of beer you just drank.  Do me a favor – the next time someone says this around you dutch oven them… it is the only way to stop this insanity.
2. Public Child Meltdown Syndrome (PCMS) – These always happens more frequently during the holidays and I am a big fan.  Some overworked mom is toting her children around for hours and one of the kids loses it.  Flailing on the floor, crying and throwing things around are all trademark moves of the PCMS.  You can’t stop it , you can only hope to contain it.  I love seeing these…especially near the end of the tantrum when the Mom does my favorite move… the wrist grab followed by a threat that Santa is watching.  Physical abuse followed up by lies to calm you kid down… booooya!
3. Candy canes – Fuck candy canes.  In the history of this “treat” I don’t think anyone has ever eaten a whole cane.  Get rid of them – they are the holiday equivalent of those shitty orange peanuts that you would get when you were trick-or-treating as a kid.
4. Work parties – What better way to trim a couple people from the roster at work than to get them all sauced up and unleash them on an unsuspecting banquet hall.  There is always some weird shit going on, it is usually best to avoid the festivities altogether.  The last holiday party I was at one of the chicks from Marketing ended up in the coat closet sucking face with this total creeper from the Sales department… AWKWARD!
5. Faking that you like a gift – An time-worn holiday tradition that I have been participating in since I was a kid.  There is always some go to line like “Sweet!” or “Nice… thanks you so much!” to mask your utter disappointment in their gift selecting abilities.  The worst is when you get pegged as liking something then you grow out of it.  I got geology books from my one aunt for years all due to the one time she saw that I was watching some TV show about rocks – fuck my life.
6. Christmas Specials – These stop me in my tracks when I am channel surfing every time.  I have seen them a million times but there is something about Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer or the Grinch that makes it must-watch material.  Getting stoned and watching “It’s a Wonderful Life” can blow your mind and get you in the Christmas Spirit all at the same time!  Are they going to be playing this shit in 30 years still?
7. Kwanzaa Jokes – Replace Kwanzaa with anything Christmas or Hanukkah related and hilarity ensues.  I have no idea what Kwanzaa is but the whole idea of it seems funny to me.  Instead of Christmas caroling go Kwanzaa Caroling… John Lennon’s “So this is Christmas” turns into “So this is Kwanzaa”…  What a crappy holiday.  Just buy shit that you can’t afford on your credit card and celebrate the Christmas like everyone else.
8. Holiday Travel - People are so ridiculously stressed out from the holidays that the airport is the epicenter for people losing their mind.  Most people don’t like traveling for the holidays but I find it fascinating.  I sit back and watch people go ape-shit.  There is nothing that you can do but soak it all in.  From the ticket counter lady getting yelled at to the degenerates sleeping on the floor next to the food court… it is all good.
9. Christmas night booze-fest – I started a tradition a few years ago that I would highly recommend.  Go out the night of Christmas.  Why-the-fuck-not?  It baffles me why this is not a bigger night of going out than the night before Thanksgiving.  After a grueling 2 days of constant family gathering, what could be better than going out with your buds to have a few cocktails.  Everyone has off the next day and no one does anything productive the day after Christmas anyways.  Join me in my alcoholic yearly activity!

Ahhhhh, now I feel in a more holiday mood… did I miss anything?