Just kidding! – that did actually (maybe) happen to Lebron James right before game 4 of the Eastern Conference Semi-finals.  Allegedly Delonte West, one of Lebron’s teammates, has been “driving the lane” on Lebron’s mom for the last few months and Lebron found out about it shortly before he shit the bed in the playoffs.  Either Delonte West is really into MIWF’s (Mothers I Wouldn’t Fuck) or he wants to become the most hated man in Cleveland.  If this rumor is true he will be the reason that the Cav’s didn’t get a chance at the title and why Lebron will be playing somewhere else next year.  It also will probably make for some pretty weird family dinner’s if Delonte wants to keep dating Mrs. James – something tells me that Lebron may not want his mom getting bottomed out by a guy with neck tattoos 25 years her junior.

So Basically this guy:

“took it to the rack” on this lady:

My first reaction was that I was pissed for not spreading this rumor myself.  It is so juicy and so unbelievable that it just may be true.  That is the key to a successful rumor – make it something that people want to believe.  If someone wants to believe something they will make all kinds of logical leaps in order for the rumor to be true in their own head. Rumor creation is kind of a hobby of mine and can be really funny at times.  The ones that I create are usually harmless yet I take great satisfaction when I hear one of my creations come back to me from someone else who would swear that the rumor was true.  For example, one of my coworkers pissed me off one day so I planted the rumor that I saw him walking his cat on the beach… with a leash.  Childish?  Yes.  A little dikish? Yes.  Effective?  Abso-fucking-luteley.

Flash forward over a year later and I was sitting with a few friends at a bar and one of my best friends who I happen to work with received an email on her blackberry that the “catwalker” was fired.  She proceeded to tell the entire table that SHE had seen him walking his cat on the beach.  I was ecstatic.  It was like I sent myself a gift a year ago and it unexpectedly dropped on my table at that exact moment.  After she finished her story I confirmed that SHE had seen it, then informed her that I made up the rumor – even after another friend sitting with us confirmed that I had made the story up she still wanted to believe it was real.

The “catwalking” story worked because the target of the rumor was kind of a douche and it was so ridiculous that it just probably was true just like this Delonte banging Lebron’s Mom story.  If it is untrue then whomever made the Lebron story up would be the Yoda of rumor spreaders and I want to go to a swamp and learn the craft from him/her.

I know what you are thinking… Mr. Ultraparadoxical is a total asshole, rumors suck and people who spread them are total fuck-sticks.  You are right.  I am an asshole and I would never normally talk shit behind someone’s back but it is pure comedy to see what people will believe.  If I would not have spread these rumors I would have missed out on these fantastic situations:

• In college we spread a rumor that one of our buddies (We will call him PC) walked in on his mom giving his step dad head while he was home on spring break.  This rumor led to another one of our friends who was not in on the joke telling this story to a large group of people and everyone taking it as fact.  PC came back home from class and people started making fun of him for matronly oral that NEVER happened.  When he denied that ever happened I chipped in and said “I would say that too if I saw my Mom giving some guy a BJ” thus sealing the rumor as fact.  Days later we spilled the beans on what we had did and we all got a good laugh… except for PC – he swore his revenge on us.
• Another falsehood we spread had one of our buddies getting wasted, hooking up with his girlfriend and accidentally shitting the bed.  This rumor ended up getting disseminated all throughout our group as well as her friend group.  It finally got back to his girlfriend and she confronted him about it by telling him that he did not need to be embarrassed.  She said that these things happen and he could have told her instead of keeping it a secret.  He was clueless and flabbergasted… I wish I had a tape of that conversation… good times.

Am I a total asshole?  Do you have any good ridiculous rumor stories?

Ontario – “Wait… was that a sign for New York?”

Sophomore year in college I organized a winter formal in Toronto, Ontario.  The main reason was that the drinking age is 19 and anytime I could legally get a drink at the bar I felt much classier when I was that age.  I helped organize the event so I was obligated to go even though I had just broken up with my girlfriend.  I took one of my friends and we had a fantastic time at the party then drinking our faces off in Toronto… until the ride back to Michigan. I was pretty spent from drinking and organizing 40 couples (have you ever heard the phrase “it was like herding cats”?  Getting my drunk 19-21 year old college friends organized was like herding retarded cats… with brain damage… on speed).  The next morning I was a mix of drunk. exhausted and hungover.  We hopped in the car with another couple and started back west towards the Michigan border.

After we left the city limits I said “I’m going to take a nap for a few minutes – WAKE ME UP IN 20 MINUTES – I want to make sure we are on the right track” and promptly passed out in the passenger seat.  I must have been roofied or something because when I woke up and checked out the clock I saw that I had slept for 2 hours!  I asked her why she didn’t wake me up – she said that I looked like I could have used some sleep. “That was nice” I thought… until I saw the sign that said “Kingston – 20 miles”.  I stared in disbelief.  I am no geography major but we may have taken the scenic route if we wanted to end up in East Lansing, MI:

Since I am so mature my first thought was of “Dumb and Dumber” – “You mean to tell me we drove across 1/4 of Ontario IN THE WRONG DIRECTION?!?!?!”  I tried to be as understanding as possible especially when she started crying in the gas station before we turned around.  “It was only a 4 hour detour” – “I always wanted to see the rolling tundra of southeast Ontario” – “Boy these Canadians sure have fucked up highway markers” I said while secretly cursing her non-existent navigation skills.  As we pulled onto the highway I realized that this was my own fault – she is Asian – she should have been in charge of my calculus homework that I didn’t do, not operating a motor vehicle in a foreign land.  After fending off car-bourne insanity for a couple hours we finally arrived home – 8 and a half hours later.  As shitty as it was I think it actually worked out as a bonding experience and a reason for me to try to fight my car narcolepsy.

[Note: In the spirit of even handedness I emailed my friend before I posted this to get her viewpoint:]

From: Ultraparadoxical
To: XXXXXXXXX
Sent: Tue, May 18, 2010 3:22:59 PM
Subject: RE: Against your best wishes

Yo – I am including a story about our ill fated drive from Toronto on my blog – do you have any words to defend yourself that I can include with the story so you are properly represented?

[And her reply]

It was when you approved the direction of choice when passing the awkward penis sign that forced the innocent Saturn and it’s entourage in the wrong direction…

[Ummmm... huh?  Was that Cantonese?  I always told her to stop sniffing glue back in the day but some people never listen.]

CDW – Sales (21-23)

Due to an unfortunate fake ID incident near the end of college I was sans driving privileges on my first day of work.  How did I get there you ask?  My Mom drove me… yes, that’s right, I arrived at my first day of work after college the exact way I got at school my first day of middle school.  CDW is made up of about a 1000 21-30 year-olds making 120-150 calls a day to try to pimp technology.  It was sweatshop filled with recent college graduates – if I were 12 years old and in Vietnam we would have been stitching soccer balls instead.  It was magnificent in its effectiveness and organization but utterly soul crushing to be an employee there.  My only real satisfaction was aggravating my boss.  I derived so much pleasure from covertly undermining him.  I once called him into a private meeting to tell him that one of the other guys that my boss loved  in the office was making gay advances on me and I wanted to make him aware of it.  I will never forget the face the guy made when I told him that… it was like I just killed his puppy.  After two years of him being an asshole to me and me passive aggressively messing with him I called it quits and headed for greener pastures in Southern California.

Career Lesson – If you don’t like someone at work then just avoid them, no matter how tempting it is to fuck with them, it is not worth it.

SOMC – Call Center Manager – (23)

I was moving to a new city… that is my only excuse for taking this job.  What an eye opener.  I was a call center manager in a run down office filled with people dialing-for-dollars by selling children’s software.  It was so shady. Most sales were made to old people who were so grateful that someone was talking to them that they would happily give out their credit card number for a few more minutes of human contact. The employees ranged from college students to recovering drug addicts.  There was a bus that took people from the halfway house directly to the office (not kidding).  I realized working there that I would never be able to make it in prison.  I had to fire an employee and halfway through the process he gave me a look like he was going to “shank” me.  After losing a few members of my team because they went back on meth I thought I should probably start looking for a new gig.  Eventually I got settled and met enough people not involved in the drug trade to help me land a new job.

Career Lesson – If you ever think you will get “shanked” by an employee you should probably quit.

The Salt Mine – Sales (23-24)

This career move shifted me from a shit job that paid nothing to a shit job that paid me far more than it should have.  I took inbound calls from people looking to sign up for Direct TV and it was my job to up-sell them and charge them as much as I could for the service.  It was easy and initially it paid a ton of money.  It was so brainless that I could read a book and sell at the same time.  Unlike CDW this office was filled with mid 30′s divorcee’s and guys who knocked up their girlfriends and had to do something to make ends meet.  It would have been a great job if it wasn’t for 2 things: 1 – It was pure commission and 2 – They looked for any reason to fire people.  It was like we were on Survivor except there was no million dollar prize and you were voted off the island if you were 2 (yes, 2) minutes late for your shift or the manager didn’t like you.  After a while they fucked with the quota structure and I went from making $40 and hour to about $20 and hour.  This is the main reason why sales sucks – you can go from making 80K a year to 40K a year in an afternoon.  Fuck that… time to bail.

Career Lesson – Commission only is no bueno…

GPC – Sales (24-25)

Working for a small company is a new adventure every day.  Not the fun Indiana Jones type of adventure but rather the kind of adventure where the company goes bankrupt and you lose out on thousands of dollars when they let me go.  It was a fun ride for a while, the owner was a great salesman and an excellent entrepreneur (except for the going bankrupt part.)  The first interview I had was over lunch.  I walked in and met a few different people in the office and the owner said he wanted to use my car to drive to lunch.  I was fine with that but he said that is a way that he eliminates candidates if they refuse or their car is a mess he ends the interview right there.  It is interesting to see what organizations with less resources do to vet employees.  I was pissed when they went under but it actually worked out for me in the end – I ended up landing a spot at my current job (I guess everything happens for a reason…)

Career Lesson – Make sure you don’t have a dead hooker in your back seat when you go to an interview.

Current Job – Sales (26-30)

Everything is WONDERFUL here!  No really… *looks over shoulder*

Career Lesson – People get fired for what they write on their blogs…

Do you have any post graduation job stories?

Animal Hospital – Veterinarian’s Bitch (15-17 years old)

From a young age I always thought that I wanted to be in the life sciences, so it would be a great idea to help out at the local vet… right?  Well… helping out meant cleaning up shit and piss (no big deal,  I expected this), pilling animals (not so fun – you try jamming a pill down the throat of a cat who would like nothing better than to claw you to death) and carrying euthanized animals to the freezer (many pet cemetery nightmare visions passed through my young brain).  I also had to lock up after everyone left and set the alarm.  Yes – the ladies over at the vet’s office thought it would be a great idea to have a 15 year old solely responsible for their business after hours.  I accidentally set off that alarm about 20 times and knew the guy from the alarm company by his first name.   The minute they started to dock my pay for the alarm company visits I decided that I was due for a career change (that, and my parents thought I was going to get murdered by some degenerates looking to steal drugs and syringes from the clinic).  Overall it was a good experience to get one of my shittiest (literally) jobs out of the way early in my career.

Career Lesson – The life sciences may not be right for me.

Sports Authority – Footwear Associate (17-20)

This was the job that I wanted to get when I went to work for the vet but they would not hire me until I was 16 (age discrimination!).  They actually gave me a hair drug test which I never understood.  Luckily I was up with hope and down with dope at that point so I had no worries.  Why would the most intense drug test of my career be used for selling athletic shoes?  Its like having an FBI style background check to work at McDonald’s.  The guy who ran the place was a walking endorsement of why you would never want to use your college degree for a career in retail sales management.  He basically lived at the store, made no more then 70K a year and took shit from a bunch of high schoolers all day long.  No wonder why he was such an asshole.  My most vivid memory from my time working there was when I mistook a butch looking chick for a man and told her that “the men’s shoes are in the other aisle, sir”.  She turned around and I wanted to crawl in a shoe and die.

Career Lesson – Don’t choose a job that forces you to work past 5PM or deal with anyone younger than 21 on a regular basis.

College Pro – Painter (19)

It is great to be outside and feel like you are creating something tangible but being hungover and having to get up on a ladder at 7AM can be a dicey proposition.  The summer I worked for College Pro I almost killed myself about two dozen times.  Anytime I heard someone say “Yo – Ultraparadoxical, you’re tall, get over here” I knew that I was going to be risking my life very shortly.  It usually meant that they were too lazy to haul a “set-up” on a rooftop and I was going to have to get on the last rung of a ladder on my tip-toes to get one last spot.  This job had no drug test and it led to the whole crew (excluding me – I swear) getting baked at lunch.  Highlights of the stoned activity included dumping a can of paint on a homeowner’s dog, putting a ladder through a window and (my personal favorite) a guy passing out on a blacktop roof and almost going to the hospital for heat exposure.

Career Lesson – Your job is not worth risking your life for and manual labor sucks…

Michigan State Vehicle Depot – Car Washer (18-19)

If it didn’t pay $6.25 an hour this would have been my dream job.  We were in charge of sending the various university owned cars through the automated car wash system then cleaning the interior.  Our manager (this big fat black lady we called “Boomquita”) thought it took us 40 minutes to wash a car.  It took 5.  I would wash 3 right in a row and go joyriding around campus.  I beat the shit out of the cars and would punch in and drive my buddies around in a V-10 van all day.  It all came to a crashing end when one day Boomquita inexplicably decided to come in on a Sunday (she was NEVER there on Sunday) and everyone was punched in but no one was there.  She busted our asses after that and it just wasn’t the same.  $6.25 is not worth ACTUALLY washing cars… are they crazy?

Career Lesson – It is great to work for someone who is lazier then you are.

Michigan State Telemarketing – Telemarketing Manager (19-21)

I never knew how  many chicks I was going to meet when I signed up for this job.  They should have put that as a job benefit.  I hired a new crop of 18-21 year old college students every week and I ran around there like I owned the place.  It really could not have worked out any better.  It was a pretty loose work environment… so loose that one of my coworkers de-pants me and I expose my bare cock to about 15 telemarketers.  I quickly pulled up my pants and said “I hope I didn’t poke anyone’s eye out”… pretty weak but it was the best I could come up with on the fly.  Probably one of the top 10 most embarrassing moments of my life.

Career Lesson – Wear a belt to work…

What were your career lessons from your pre-graduation jobs?  Stay tuned for part two on Wednesday…

To give you an idea of my laziness here are a few examples:

- When I come back from the grocery store I make one trip from the car to my apartment with the stuff i bought.  It does not matter how much I had bought – I make ONLY one trip.  I will literally load myself up like a pack mule and strain every muscle in my body to walk the 100 feet to my place instead of just making 2 trips and carrying a reasonable amount of stuff.  I have almost lost fingers due to the plastic bags cutting off the circulation to my hands.

- I love me some nappin’.  I have been told that my napping skills are catlike.  I can fall asleep anywhere, at any time under any circumstance.  It is at times good (sleeping for 16 hours of my 17 hour flight to Asia) and at times bad (passing out behind the wheel even with the radio cranking, windows open, chewing gum and getting road-head – OK, maybe I am lying about the road-head part).  Seriously though, when I am in the car as a passenger it is like someone firing a rhino tranquilizer dart into my neck.  Give me 5 minutes on the highway and my head will be bobbing around like “Weekend at Bernie’s”.  The ease of these naps adds to my laziness – if I’m bored I’ll just take a nap… why not?

- Part being the Lebron James of napping is that it is very difficult for me to actually wake up at all.  I like that I can sleep through some drunk asshole banging on my door at 3AM but that skill is not so good when I can’t hear my alarm going off at 7AM.  I currently use 3 alarm clocks to get up and I have still slept through all of them a few times.  My roommate in college got so fed up that he had a squirt gun by the side of the bed that he would douche me with if I didn’t wake up withing a few seconds of my alarm – trust me, waking up thinking that you are first few rows of the Shamu show at Sea World is not so fun.

- When I was a kid I learned to never answer the first time someone called my name.  Nine times out of ten when my Mom shouted from the first floor for me was when she needed me to do something.  I waited until at least two calls.  Most of the time she would either give up and do whatever she needed me for herself (I know, I am an asshole).  This has made its way into my current work life.  If there is an annoying task that someone needs me to do I will wait until they ask again.  Wait… maybe I am the reason why the US is falling behind… forget I said that.

- Right before I sat down to write this I realized that I forgot something in my car.  I was going to go right out and grab it (about 200 yards of total walking distance) then I didn’t really feel like it.  I started to think about how I could minimize the distance I would have to walk by combining my lunch and getting my bag from the car.  I spend a lot of my waking minutes thinking about how I can combine activities to minimize the amount of movement that I do.  If I would just do the thing I need to do it would be done and I could stop thinking about it… except that wouldn’t be lazy!

- I slept on a futon mattress on the floor of my condo for over 8 months.  I had plenty of money and time to go purchase a proper bed but the thought of going out to the store and buying something seemed like a lot of work.  It probably would have taken me an hour at most but for some reason I just didn’t feel like going shopping.  I am sure that the chicks I had been dating at the time who I brought back to my place  thought I was living in a crack den but even that didn’t make me get something.  I guess my laziness trumps not looking like a tool… pretty pathetic!

The sad thing is that my parents are some of the hardest working people that I know.  Apparently laziness skips a couple of generations.  I don’t know where I picked up my ways but I think they are here to stay.  Looking back on this list though it seems like it is a lot more hassle to be lazy.  The amount of energy and effort that I put into being lazy is probably a fraction of the effort that I would need to complete what I need to do and in reality I guess I am not that lazy.  I was not sooooo lazy that I couldn’t finish thi

Top 9 Drunken Moments (In no particular order)

Cabo Cantina, San Diego – 2 for 1 drinks sound like a great deal but it can get ugly fast.  One of my friends was hitting on some blond at the bar and she started to playfully slap him in the face.  In his mind it turned from playful to annoying quickly.  He asked her to stop 3 times and when she didn’t he made her pay the price with a buy-one-get-one-free-corona-douching.  He unloaded both beers over her head… when I looked over I thought they were celebrating winning the World Series – the bouncers did not think it was so funny and booted him.

PT O’Malley’s, East Lansing- This was the apex of my drunkenness in college, my 21st birthday.  After getting into the bar at midnight, plowing through 20 shots (I couldn’t quite stomach the 21st, a Dirty Girl Scout) and getting kicked out at 1 AM I stumbled back to my house on a spree of stupidity and violence.  I  finally arrived home ready to pass out only to run smack dab into another party.  Everyone knew I was wasted and wanted to fuck with me, especially one of the older guys who I will call “Charlie”.  ”Charlie” took it a little too far and was jabbing me in the gut trying to make me puke.  I asked him to stop once… the second time I threw him in a headlock and didn’t let go until he stopped struggling.  As I released my grip and he fell back like a pile of bricks and thudded on the floor motionless.  One of he fellow party goers cried out “You killed Charlie!”  I thought I did… until a few gasps of air erupted from his mouth.  For about 15 seconds I thought I was going to be spending the remainder of my 20′s in the pokey on manslaughter charges.  Thanks booze!

Some Banquet Hall, Southfield- This day in drunken history was the wedding of one of my friends who was the first to get married out of college – always a recipe for disaster.  This is probably the number 1 MVD (most valuable drunk) performance that I have ever witnessed.  My drunk buddy:

• Smashed an entire bottle of red wine on the carpet of the banquet hall.
• When the bar was closed for the night filled his own pitcher from the tap as the bartender chased him away.
• Refused to give the pitcher back even when the bride’s Dad demanded it.
• Was told by the bride’s dad that he “Thought it would be best if you would just leave”
• Pissed on the front step of the hall (one hand outstretched, propping him up) as relatives were filing out of the entrance
• Went to the parking lot, smashed another entire bottle of red wine, fell into it and cut his face and arms on the shards of glass.
• Finished the night in the women’s restroom getting his bloody face dabbed clean with a tampon by the groom’s mom

I challenge you for a better MVD…

The Bank/Carmel, Las Vegas – Pop quiz time – On the off chance that you would have an “accident” in your pants at the bar would you:

A – Tell Everyone what you just did

B – Continue to wear your pee pants the rest of the night

C – Wear the same pee pants on the flight home the next morning

D – All of the above

If your answer is D then you may have a lot in common with one of my friends.

Rick’s, East Lansing- The infamous psych out spree of 2009.  In my last visit to East Lansing one of my friends broke the record for consecutive high-5 psych outs (This was after he told the girlfriend of a football player that she looked like she could bowl a 280 – AKA she was a lesbian.)    Trust me, next time you are wasted burn random strangers walking by with a psych out… hilarity ensues.

Blarney Stone, San Diego- After a night at the local shitty Irish pub we came back to the house.  I went to bed with the chick that I was dating at the time and my roommates went outside to have a smoke.  About 10 minutes later I heard a commotion and one of my roomies screaming “GET IT OUT OF HIS MOUTH… GET IT OUT OF HIS MOUTH!!!”.  I threw on some pants and came out of the room to see my roomate’s birdcage smashed open on the floor and 3 cats tearing them to shreds.  Long story short we buried the bird outside and I lead a half drunk eulogy for my fallen avian brothers.

My Parents House, Chicago – Lets just say after Christmas 2007 the new name for a Dirty Martini is a “Grammy Killer”.

Tribeca Tavern, New York- We tried the impossible – an uptown to downtown bar crawl.  We ended up at Tribeca Tavern after we had already been getting kicked out of another bar for throwing batteries and almost hitting the bartender.  Yes, BATTERIES and no this wasn’t a prison riot, it was a bar crawl.  The 4 of us were sitting there in a stupor when one of my friends apparently was done with her gum.  She fired it out of her mouth, it arced up into the air and came to rest on the very edge of the bar.  Apparently she reconsidered her action because without a word she got up from her seat, walked over and retrieved the gum back off the bar with her teeth.  One of my fellow bar crawlers looked over to me with a deadpan face and said ”That happened.”

LandShark, East Lansing- After a fun night at the bar that included one of my friends making out with a chick we dubbed “The Dump Truck” (mind you this happened in the middle of the bar and we took so many pictures that all of the flashes going off looked like Leonardo Decaprio walked in with some paparazzi) we finally got “last-called” and left.  One of my friends thought it would be a great idea to tackle another one of my friends in the street.  It was NOT a good idea – one friend ended up with a scab on his upper lip reminiscent of Hitler and she smashed her hand on the ground.  She consulted Dr. Ultraparadoxical on what she should do about her hand.  I told her to sleep it off…

Bad idea – she woke up in the morning with her hand completely purple and looking like the dude from Scary Movie 4.  the next day was spent at the emergency room with her Dad instead of tailgating… good times!

Let me know if you have any good ones.  Thanks for reading!

When I was a student and the alumnus would come back I thought that they were the massive tools.  I mean, why  would you come back to campus when you are that old?  Didn’t you have better things to do once you had graduated than get shit faced and act like a complete asshole?  No… the answer is a resounding, NO.  Back then I thought after graduation I would magically transform into an adult.  In reality though, the weight of life after college is slowly dropped on your back - jobs, debts, obligations, marriage and kids are piled on and sleeping until noon and 3 weeks off for Christmas become distant memories.  Don’t get me wrong – I love my life now – but college was fantastic.  I know I am old – but fuck it – I’m going to go back to school and become the same asshole that I hated 10 years ago.  I have earned it.

Now that I got that out of the way – whenever you go back to a familiar place you have not been to in a while there is always the possibility of a chance encounter with someone who you have not seen in years and didn’t think you would see again.  To keep things straight I want to make a list; I don’t want to forget anyone.  In no particular order I would like to see:

• The creepy Asian kid with BO who I used to copy off of in Calculus class so I could give him a hi-five. If it wasn’t for him I never would have graduated.  He probably is head of engineering at some bio-tech start-up and hopefully he has made enough dough to buy some deodorant.
• That backstabbing bitch that tried to sell out our entire marketing group in order to better her own grade so I could pour a beer on her. I think she initiated my hatred for all things marketing.  She tried to secretly meet with the professor to say she did the whole project and the group did not participate.  Vintage marketing person – a fake cheery exterior that hides a lazy vindictive skank – she is probably a marketing director by now.  There is no one with less use than the people in the marketing department – take it from me, I’m a marketing major.
• The chick who talked like a pirate so I can watch her speak. It wasn’t what she said that was necessarily pirate-like – it was more how she talked that reminded me of Ahab.  You can even try it at home!  Purse the right side of your lips – now try to ask for a beer.  Presto, you’re talking like a pirate.  One of my buddies once gave her a sandwich to see if she would only feed one half of her mouth-hole.  The test was inconclusive.
• The team of dickheads that worked the graveyard shift at Taco Bell so I could throw a chalupa at them.  Wait… maybe I was the drunk asshole and they were just trying to do their job.  That’s not the point – the point IS – they sucked at life.  The team of service “professionals” over at the Bell would swear at customers at the slightest bit of provocation and once threw a hot sauce packet in my buddy’s face after he tried to return nachos.  The hatred on campus of the employees at Taco Bell was so intense that after the Duke vs MSU final four game when riots broke out  no one touched any of the shops on Grand River Ave. – except Taco Bell – and it was TRASHED.  *Side note* Some friends of mine once tried to steal the gumball machine there and got it halfway out the door before it tipped and shattered all over the ground releasing about 800 gumballs to the “hungry-hungry-hippo-like” crowd of drunken students… classic. *End Side note*
• The guy who rode a bike around campus painted in Green and White so I can give him money for a skin cancer screening.  It can’t be healthy to continually coat your entire torso in heavy makeup every day and ride around shirtless on a bike. When did this sound like a good idea for this guy?  Was he sitting in his apartment one day saying “Hmmmm… I wonder how I can 1 -make an ass of myself 2 – guarantee I wont get laid and 3 – waste away my 20′s?  Thats it!  I can ride around on a bike waving around a flag in the middle of winter!”

If I can just run into one of these people i will consider my trip a success… scratch that, if I get wasted and one of my friends makes a huge ass of themselves then I will come back with a big smile on my face.

Do you have any people from your past that you would like to meet up with again?  What would you like to do to them?

*Sidenote* – I learned how to format my labs Freshman year in college from this Asian lady, Miss Chen, who (to put it lightly) had a tentative grasp on the finer points of the English language.  The lab was on Monday morning at 8AM - I spent half of the class trying to decipher her chinglish while pretending I knew what I was doing and simultaneously trying to get in my lab partners pants… 

Anyways, one hazy, hungover Monday morning Ms. Chen looked me dead in the eyes and asked ”Did you get any ass?”.  I froze – what the fuck did she just say?  I dropped what I was doing and looked at her like she had just taken a shit in chapter 17 of my chemistry book.  Apparently she sensed my confusion and reiterated her question “Did YOU get any ASS?” and crinkled her brow behind her oversized protective goggles.  “Uh… Wha… Wha… What?” was all that I was able to sputter out as I took a few sidelong glances at my lab partner who apparently heard the same thing as I did.  Was this the first ever recorded case of a chemistry TA cockblocking someone the middle of  a lab?  Did she see me at that party on Linden with those Pi Phi’s?  She was obviously an insane stalker.  For the third time she pointed over my shoulder and said once more ”DID YOU GET ANY ASS?”.  I turned around and saw the rest of the class grabbing dried ice out of the coolers behind my lab partner.  Ice… not ASS… ICE! *End Sidenote*

Determining Effects of Alcohol, Drug and Tobacco Deprivation on Humans

Statement of Problem: What are the effects on a 29 year old single male abstaining from any mind altering substances for 30 days?

Hypothesis: The subject in question will grow to hate all of his drunk friends and not make any bad decisions (IE – have fun) for that 30 day period.

Materials: club soda (no vodka) – car (designated driver duties) – patience (dealing with shit-faced friends) – Blockbuster Video card (renting movies because going out is not what it once was)

Procedure: Carry on through normal social activities without the aid of drugs or alcohol.  This includes but is not limited to happy hours, Taco Tuesdays, football Sundays, birthday parties, bar crawls, Columbus Day, Monday afternoon, going away parties, screenings of  The Wall, work functions, concerts, weddings and any other social engagements that may require a reasonable person to tip back a few cocktails (read: all of them).

Results: I have almost completed this experiment and there are a few things that I have noticed:

• My friends are MASSIVE douche-bags when they are drunk.  I can not understate this.  MASSIVE.  This is not to say that I don’t suck when I’m drunk, because I know I do.  Something about viewing things through the lens of sobriety makes pissing on the side of the bar seem like not such a great idea - just sayin’.
• Meeting chicks at the bar can be excruciating.  Some tramp with her top half falling off - breath smelling of Red Bull and Vodka – trying to get me to take a picture of her friends pretending to smack each other on the ass loses a bit of its charm when I’m sober.  It’s a wonder anyone hooks up.  It is like letting lose a gaggle of retards and watching them randomly bump into each other until they pair off for no discernible reason.
• Everyone needs to comment on my non-drinking, it is non-stop.  If I have another shithead ask me if they can buy me a shot when they know I can’t drink I give them the “Rhianna” treatment.
• When I am driving at 2AM without a drop of alcohol in my system I am invincible to any Cops.  Since almost everyone else on the road is a little buzzed I feel like I can drive like I’m “Tokyo Drifting” and if a cop pulls me over he will HAVE to let me go since I am 100% sober.  Probably not true but whatever.
• Every event involves at least a little drinking.  I have been looking for a 30 day window to fit my sobriety into where I didn’t have any “mandatory” drinking activities that I couldn’t miss.  I was unsuccessful until now and I have been waiting since March.  Even taking that into consideration I still have been to tons of events that I would normally be drinking if it was not for my self imposed sobriety.
• Despite all of the negatives, I feel great.  I am more alert.  I take less naps.  I have more productive weekends.  The physical aspect of this has been so apparent that I may continue some aspects of my self imposed ban even after my 30 days is done…

Conclusion: Sobriety sucks – I am getting shitfaced the day after my 30 days is up.  I don’t hate my friends I just want to be drunk enough that I don’t care how dumb they/I are.  Bottoms up!