Ultraparadoxical

After college I thought that things were going to be different with my life… I was heading into the “REAL” world.  I was merging into the career fast lane filled with focused intelligent professionals who would stop at nothing to get the job done.  Its not.  Post college work is more like being in the left lane stuck behind an Asian lady with a bunch of Hello Kitty dolls in her back window going 52MPH.  Its frustrating, slow and at times you absolutely want to lose your shit on the people around you.  I have learned to become zen-like in my tolerance for other people’s stupidity – I have seen boneheads get promotions and brilliant people get canned… I am probably somewhere in between, so I have stuck around.  Here is the rundown: read more »

Even though I am a self proclaimed sloth I have had at least a part time job since I was 15.  Anything that I am doing for money will eventually become (at least sometimes) something that I inherently dislike.  Even if I was the oil-boy for the Tropicana Girls Bikini Team the alarm would go off some mornings and I would dread even having to rub down some scantily clad honeys.  Jobs to me are just that – JOBS – they are a means to an end.  Whatever I can do to make the most amount of money and suffer the least aggravation then that is what I want to do.  It opens up more freedom in my personal time where I can enjoy life.  In this 2 part series I am going to dig into the past and relive my career job by job and try to pull out some lessons that I still hold on to today.  Part one covers everything up until my college graduation… read more »

My laziness is infinite.  It is like the universe or a fat chick’s FUPA… always expanding and threatening to envelop everything.  Some people manipulate situations so they get their way or gain power in a  relationship… not me.  I manipulate things so I can sit on the couch longer, avoid work or get someone else to do something for me.  Is it pathetic?  Probably.  Is it childish?  Definitely.  Do I hate when people ask themselves rhetorical questions and immediately retort with one word answers?  Abso-fucking-lutely.  The problem is though that I have been this way for so long that I am most likely never going to change and I just need to live with it.

To give you an idea of my laziness here are a few examples: read more »

There are times in life where you wonder why you ever waste your time drinking and going out… then your friend makes an ass of themselves and it is all worthwhile.  These are a collection of those incidents…

Top 9 Drunken Moments (In no particular order)

Cabo Cantina, San Diego – 2 for 1 drinks sound like a great deal but it can get ugly fast.  One of my friends was hitting on some blond at the bar and she started to playfully slap him in the face.  In his mind it turned from playful to annoying quickly.  He asked her to stop 3 times and when she didn’t he made her pay the price with a buy-one-get-one-free-corona-douching.  He unloaded both beers over her head… when I looked over I thought they were celebrating winning the World Series – the bouncers did not think it was so funny and booted him. read more »

There will be no post on Friday (I know, put away the razor blades and drain the luke-warm water from the tub, I will be back on Monday) because I will be traveling back to my Alma Mater to hang out with some friends.  I have not been back in a few years and I didn’t think I would go back for a long time.  I am excited to go  – even though I am going to feel like an old sack of douche compared to the students (some of which that had been born in the 90’s – *GASP*)  Looking back on my previous posts it is obvious that I had been thinking about college in anticipation of this trip and I think another walk down memory lane couldn’t hurt.

When I was a student and the alumnus would come back I thought that they were the massive tools.  I mean, why  would you come back to campus when you are that old?  Didn’t you have better things to do once you had graduated than get shit faced and act like a complete asshole?  No… the answer is a resounding, NO.  Back then I thought after graduation I would magically transform into an adult.  In reality though, the weight of life after college is slowly dropped on your back - jobs, debts, obligations, marriage and kids are slowly piled on and the sleep until noon and 3 weeks off at Christmas become a distant memory.  Don’t get me wrong – I love my life now – but college was fantastic.  I know I am old – but fuck it – I’m going to go back to school and become the same asshole that I hated 10 years ago.  I have earned it. read more »

Sooo… I have been conducting a little experiment with myself for the past few weeks.  I took my Dad up on a $100 bet and agreed to lay off the sauce for 30 days.  I have about a week left and my sobriety has ranged from a non-issue to a night-ruiner and everywhere in between.  I have not written a lab report in about a decade so I figured I would dust off some of my long forgotten skills I picked up in CHEM 101 and get all scientific for a bit.

*Sidenote* – I learned how to format my labs Freshman year in college from this Asian lady, Miss Chen, who (to put it lightly) had a tentative grasp on the finer points of the English language.  The lab was on Monday morning at 8AM - I spent half of the class trying to decipher her chinglish while pretending I knew what I was doing and simultaneously trying to get in my lab partners pants…  read more »