Besides the US bombing the shit out of their homes, torturing and killing people indiscriminately there are plenty of ugly things about our society today that would piss off some poor bastard living in a cave in Afghanistan.  Even as a citizen of this country I am forced to see the stupid, wasteful and vile things that we are bombarded with on a daily basis.  Simply by tuning to MTV to see 20-something trust fund assholes bicker and whine at each other could easily push any fundamentalist over the edge. *sidenote* George Bush’s speeches back in the day always made me laugh when he would talk about the fact that the “terrorists hate our freedom”.  Um… I think they hate the fact that we have a lot MORE of everything than they do and, in their eyes, wasting those boundless resources on vice and impropriety.  Oh yeah – and we invade Middle Eastern countries indiscriminately *end sidenote*   Here are the things that we should hide from any potential terrorists at all costs:

The Real Housewives of _________

If I wanted to see a pack of dried up old skanks fight over money I would go down to Barrio Logan and watch the meth-heads squabble over drug money or I could tune into one of these “Real Housewives” shows.  The fact that these programs are popular enough to have as many iterations in different geographic areas astounds me.  They are the absolute worst kind of women – materialistic, bitchy and above all stupid.  People get bothered when there is swearing or nudity on TV but I find this type of show far more offensive than any tit I have ever seen.  I would rather have my non-existent children watch “Faces of Death” than one minute of “The Real Housewives”.  One viewing of an self-entitled tramp feeding her dog paté while she is complaining about the housekeeper would make any self respecting Al Qaeda member start loading up the rental van with fertilizer.

Lindsay Lohan/Britney Spears/Paris Hilton vs. The Tabloids

I think I have seen Lindsay Lohan’s vag more than I have seen my own dick.  I get it.  When a half drunk tweaked up actress gets out of her town car and you have a camera shooting up her skirt you will probably get a picture of her crotch.  How are paparazzi allowed to do that?  The media lavishes them with attention then when they start to act their age they become pariahs and fodder for jokes on late night TV.  I feel like comedians are waiting with bated breath for Miley Cyrus to turn 18 so they can start tearing her apart in the media.  This is what much of society focuses on for entertainment – the day-to-day lives of horrible, horrible skanks.  It is no wonder that the US is slumping as it is when our role models are lazy, talentless, drug addicts.  Hopefully no one in Saudi-Arabia has access to Paris Hilton’s twitter feed or we are all in big trouble.

Sports players thanking God after games

Are you really that narcissistic?  Do you actually think that God really cares if a big orange ball goes into a hoop more times than the other team?  I always wonder why people who actually believe in God aren’t insulted by athletes and their love affair with thanking Jesus/Mohamed/the Spaghetti Monster every post game interview.  Apparently their god is a personal god that knows, and is concerned with everything that anyone does.  I can almost picture that same “thankful” athlete at the strip club later that night and “Cinnamon” over on stage 4 hopping off the pole to thank sweet baby Jesus for giving her big tits and a low self esteem.

I’m sure there are plenty of things about the US which would drive someone to mass terror… can you think of anything that I missed?

Tiger, Tiger, Tiger – you sorry son of a bitch.

I am sure that if I had a camera on me 24/7 people would catch me doing plenty of stupid things but celebrities KNOW that they are under intense media scrutiny and still make the decisions that they do.  If I was being constantly watched I would be an absolute boy scout in public and I certainly would not do anything that could land me in the jail.  That is the one thing that would fuck you if you were filthy rich – getting thrown in the pokey.  So listen up “celebrities” – here are my keys to not landing on TMZ.com looking like a total douche (Jon Gosselin – I am looking in your direction)…

Hire a driver

This totally takes the DUI factor off the board.  In fact – hire ME as your driver – 80K a year and I will be at your beck and call.  You can do all the blow off of Lindsay Lohan’s bare ass you want, then just give me a call and we can take you two lovers home to seal the deal without having to worry about a sobriety test in front of the paparazzi on Hollywood Blvd.

Marry someone who doesn’t care if you cheat

Roughly 80% of relationships have at least one person involved who is unfaithful (and 62% of statistics are made up) – and that is for non-celebrities.  What do you think that percentage jumps to if you were a football superstar who traveled to different cities every week?  95%… 99%?  It would be close to impossible to avoid temptation every single time some hot tramp is begging to get into your hotel room.  It is an inevitability – why fight it?  Use a condom and marry someone who doesn’t care about a little infidelity here and there.  If your wife knew what she was signing up for up front then everyone benefits.  No one is living a lie and you can’t complain about it after the fact – problem solved.  Either do that or the wives of these superstars need to hire a bodyguard armed with a whiffle ball bat to beat any skanks that happen to talk to their husbands… do one or the other, there is no third option.

Get an “on-call” patsy

For celebrities that may find themselves in more than the run-of-the-mill crimes this is critical.  Hire someone who will take the fall for you when something goes horribly wrong.  After you shoot up the strip club – call the patsy.  When federal authorities stumble upon your cock fighting ring in your back yard – call the patsy.  If that hooker in your trunk that you thought was dead comes to and starts making noise while your wife is in he garage – call the patsy.  It is a win/win for everyone involved (except the cocks or the hooker, I guess) the patsy gets a big payday and the you get off without a mark on your record.

Wear panties

I can not stress this enough.  Frankly, I am tired of seeing Britney’s and Paris’s vag.  Either wear some panties or don’t get out of the back seat of a car like you are dismounting a horse.

If the patsy doesn’t work and you are busted for something just own up to it

This is the downfall of almost every disgraced celebrity.  When they start lying about what they did it ends up being more ridiculous/worse than the thing that they did.  Larry Craig tried to cover up attempting to get a blow job in an airport bathroom by saying he had a “wide stance”.  Really?  A “wide stance”?  Before that statement he was just a homo – when he tried to use that insulting, BS excuse he was a homo AND an idiot.  When you are busted… you are busted.  Take your lumps and move on – people always respect that.

It is as simple as that.  With these 5 simple points I have solved all the problems for every spoiled celebrity prick… wait… why did I do that?