I am leaving for Tokyo in a couple of days and I am totally unprepared. I am not really a planner by nature and tend to just go with the flow when I travel but this time I feel especially discombobulated. My usual MO is to go somewhere with nothing other than things that I MAY want to do then once I get there I am free to do whatever I want. I think the fact that Tokyo is such a big city filled with people who mostly don’t speak any English is throwing me off a bit. I have been doing a little research on the internet and have learned a few things about the city. So I present to you a Google guided tour of how I am preparing for my week long trip to Japan (By the way, where the fuck was Google when I was in school? It is so easy getting information to slap together a couple page essay on the chief exports of Guatemala or the “Teapot Dome Scandal”. Back in the day getting this information would have taken me off to the library to have a circle jerk with Dewey and his wacky decimal system. Now everything is a click away as students can thoughtlessly suckle at the bountiful informational teat that is “the Google”. Continue reading Off to the Land of the Rising Sun →
[Another day, another new contributor to Ultraparadoxical! In the short time I have known her we have had some very interesting conversations, this post is a follow-up to one of them. As usual my comments in black and her post is in red. Welcome KS and all her orally suspicious glory!]
A recent discussion with Mr. Ultraparadoxical led to a discussion about oral sex [Pretty much all of my conversations lead to oral sex somehow... weird], during which I made some strong statements. He responded by asking me to present them to you.
Allow me to begin by saying clearly: THERE ARE men out there who will suffer from none of the below afflictions; men who just sincerely enjoy pleasing a lady and who combine and balance their oral skills with a healthy dosing of, well, dick.
The conversation Mr. U and I were having however was about men who, after repeated sexual encounters with ample opportunities, have not yet tried to have sex (yep, the penis in the vagina kind) but instead enthusiastically insist on pleasuring her orally and then calling it a day. True, as a lady, this should sound nothing but blissful; all the orgasm and none of the effort? Huzzah! Alas, not so simple. Continue reading KS and her “Oral” Dissertation →
I am a statistic… and I’m not referring to myself as one of the 9 of 10 doctors that agree that Tylenol is the most effective pain medicine. No, in reality, I am one of the thousands of dipshits that thought it would be a fantastic idea to buy a condo in Southern California in the mid-2000′s. Definitely the worst financial decision of my life and quite possibly the WORST decision of my life. Actually, the worst decision in my life was getting a Dave Matthews Band tramp stamp in high school… I’m still kicking myself for that (just kidding)! The entire process is a testament to why bureaucracy sucks and common sense has no place in law or business. Being caught in a system that no one really understands is frustrating at best and it really gives one a sense of how things can get out of hand after one bad decision follows another. Here is my mortgage stupidity in brief: Continue reading Milk/Sub-Prime Mortgage was a BAAAAD idea →
I was just thinking that I was going to make up some lame excuse about how I was not writing a post today when really it was because I could not think of anything to write about. Writers never get enough credit for the things that they do. Actors and actresses get all of the awards for characters they play when many times the writers of the movie or TV show put them into position to succeed with the idea that they fleshed out. But I digress…. I was going to be lazy today and not put anything new up today and I started to go through excuses in my brain… then it hit me. That is the post…
Car Trouble
This one is always a winner especially when you are late for work or just don’t feel like leaving the house. It is very easy to get busted with this excuse though. It is important to pick something that A – I won’t get any follow up questions and B – Is not immediately noticeable. Tires problems, fender benders and speeding tickets are no good but alternators, dead batteries and ignition problems are money. Remember, when using this lie the problem you make up needs to be like your involvement with people on Craig’s List for “intimate encounters” – intermittent, complicated and not obviously noticeable. Continue reading Why the fuck were you late? →
I walked out of my apartment today and I was greeted with the normal cavalcade of hobos doing their various hobo things when I looked in a vacant store window and saw this:
Wet Willies: coming soon. Fuck. Me. This “bar” is in the same building as my apartment and although it is not directly under my domicile I will likely be walking by it every time I leave me place. For the entire time I have lived downtown this has been an empty commercial space that used to be called “Visions” which was one of those creepy bars that’s clientele were mostly middle eastern guys with uni brows. Now it is turning into a Chuckee-Cheese for retards, skanks and tourists. I would much rather have filthy, meth-head bums milling around the front of my pad than the people who would think that it is a good idea to grab some drinks at “Wet Willies”. This is going to be a disaster of epic proportions… why, sweet baby Jesus… why? Oh, Wet Willies let me count the ways I hate you: Continue reading My hobos are getting Wet Willie’d! →
The other day I was talking with someone and they were complaining about a random annoyance in their life. It was one of the trivial things that everyone complains about that really are not that big a deal. I don’t even remember what it was but at the end of her rant I told her “… and that’s why the terrorists hate us”. Everyone has things that are annoying or really piss us off that in the broader scale are not really important. Imagine if a goat herder in Kabul that was struggling to feed their family heard me complaining about waiting for 5 minutes in line at the drive-thru. They would be infuriated. I have ranted and raved about things that piss me off but no matter what is happening to me here I am better off than 99% of people anywhere else. Right now, there is some guy making 5 cents an hour slaving a way in a poppy field so an asshole can snort lines of coke off of an iPhone that costs more than what an Iraqi makes in a year. The way of the world is pretty fucked up sometimes.
Besides the US bombing the shit out of their homes, torturing and killing people indiscriminately there are plenty of ugly things about our society today that would piss off some poor bastard living in a cave in Afghanistan. Even as a citizen of this country I am forced to see the stupid, wasteful and vile things that we are bombarded with on a daily basis. Simply by tuning to MTV to see 20-something trust fund assholes bicker and whine at each other could easily push any fundamentalist over the edge. *sidenote* George Bush’s speeches back in the day always made me laugh when he would talk about the fact that the “terrorists hate our freedom”. Um… I think they hate the fact that we have a lot MORE of everything than they do and, in their eyes, wasting those boundless resources on vice and impropriety. Oh yeah – and we invade Middle Eastern countries indiscriminately *end sidenote* Here are the things that we should hide from any potential terrorists at all costs: Continue reading … And thats why the terrorists hate us. →
I
am finally getting a camera-phone (I know, welcome to 2006, Mr. Ultraparadoxical). The corporate blackberry I had been using did not have that capability but I am getting a new one by next week. Besides the obvious bonus of being able to send pictures of my genitalia to my friends and loved ones it will take Ultraparadoxical.com to new heights of depravity/hilarity. There have been so many things I have seen that I have not been able to document because of my camera-phone deficiency. Expect great things. I hope to add to my picture stockpile and capture more sexual harassment themed Monte Carlos in the coming weeks. The possibilities are endless, but I have already missed so many photo/video opportunities including: Continue reading You can call me Ansel Adams… →
I went back home to Chicago this weekend to hang out with friends and celebrate a buddy’s birthday. It was a great time in addition to being a learning experience. Here are some of the things that I found out:
Phones don’t work properly – BB (my friend who was celebrating his birthday) got a text a day after his party from his brother wishing him a happy birthday and saying that he tried to call the day before but couldn’t get through. BB is a notorious stickler about people remembering his birthday and missing it even by a day is an egregious offense to him. His brother knows this and decided to use the lamest/stupidest lie ever. He claimed that he called him but did not leave a message and BB didn’t pick up. Does his brother not understand cell phone technology? I have had people use this same type of excuse on me before and not only is it a lame attempt to lie, it is also insulting. Did BB’s brother really think that BB would believe that 1 – He actually called 2 -The cell phone did not record the number on caller ID 3 – He decided not to leave a message on either call attempt. He might as well have just texted BB and called him a complete fucking idiot… and by the way happy belated birthday. Continue reading Things I learned in Chicago →
I came into work today and one of my co-workers dropped a bomb on me. He said he fucked my Mother.
Just kidding! – that did actually (maybe) happen to Lebron James right before game 4 of the Eastern Conference Semi-finals. Allegedly Delonte West, one of Lebron’s teammates, has been “driving the lane” on Lebron’s mom for the last few months and Lebron found out about it shortly before he shit the bed in the playoffs. Either Delonte West is really into MIWF’s (Mothers I Wouldn’t Fuck) or he wants to become the most hated man in Cleveland. If this rumor is true he will be the reason that the Cav’s didn’t get a chance at the title and why Lebron will be playing somewhere else next year. It also will probably make for some pretty weird family dinner’s if Delonte wants to keep dating Mrs. James – something tells me that Lebron may not want his mom getting bottomed out by a guy with neck tattoos 25 years her junior. Continue reading Successful Operation of the Rumormill →
Note: This is a continuation from a previous post about various road trip experiences I have had – if you have not read it you can catch up here.
Ontario – “Wait… was that a sign for New York?”
Sophomore year in college I organized a winter formal in Toronto, Ontario. The main reason was that the drinking age is 19 and anytime I could legally get a drink at the bar I felt much classier when I was that age. I helped organize the event so I was obligated to go even though I had just broken up with my girlfriend. I took one of my friends and we had a fantastic time at the party then drinking our faces off in Toronto… until the ride back to Michigan. I was pretty spent from drinking and organizing 40 couples (have you ever heard the phrase “it was like herding cats”? Getting my drunk 19-21 year old college friends organized was like herding retarded cats… with brain damage… on speed). The next morning I was a mix of drunk. exhausted and hungover. We hopped in the car with another couple and started back west towards the Michigan border. Continue reading RoadTrippin’ Chronicles II →