Throughout my dating existence I have been in many different types of relationships and each one has its own quirks and eccentricities.  Everyone is different and when those people pair up it creates unique circumstances and scenarios for the people involved making every relationship its own special entity.  Amongst these differences though there are similarities that an outsider can see working in all of these different pairings.  I have observed these similarities in my own and my friend’s relationships and most of the time I see someone’s actions and a song starts playing in my head – these are the relationships and their appropriate lyrics.  So here we go…

Top Nine “Musical” Relationships

The INXS (AKA – The “Never Tear Us Apart” Relationship)

These are the people who start dating and NEVER leave each other’s side.  If you are friends with one of the people and not the other it can cause MAJOR problems.  You basically need to accept them as a tandem and if you invite the one person somewhere you are inviting the other by proxy.  It is like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich except the peanut butter (your friend) can be paired up with some kind of fucked up organic marmalade jelly that sucks.  If you want the peanut butter though you need to swallow it.

The U2 (AKA – The “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For”Relationship)

These types of pairing usually happen in a relatively quick succession and is usually because your friend tries to insert their new love interest into their friend scene a bit too soon.  If you are not going to date this person for more than 2 months then its not even worth the hassle of introducing them to everyone you know.  It always leads to confusion and maybe even calling the new hook-up by a different name.  Its not my fault if you are dating a new dude every few weeks… don’t bring him around or have him wear a name tag!

The War (AKA  – The “Why Can’t We Be Friends” Relationship)

It is never clear if there is any sex going on with this set up.  Usually they have been in dating for a long time and it seems that they can comfortably date/live/hang out together and not have too many problems except that they have become almost like siblings.  I always feel bad for these people even though most of the time they look pretty happy!

The Journey (AKA – The “Don’t Stop Believin’” Relationship)

This is a cousin of “The U2″ except it is different because of its extended shelf life.  When you ask your friend “So… whats the story with Sally?” and he tells you that he hates her and she is a total bitch then a week later they are cuddling up with each other out at the bar then your friend is in this type of relationship.  The biggest thing with this is to reserve your shit talking about the other party until you are SURE that it is over.  Any premature trash talking can get you alienated from your friend when they get back together until they dump their significant other for good.

The Cake (AKA – The “Never There” Relationship)

You know your friend is dating someone but you never actually see them.  Usually the only time that you hear about them is when your friend is complaining about something otherwise they are a non-factor.  Their boyfriend/girlfriend either works a lot, doesn’t like going out or they are embarrassed about dating them… or maybe all of the above.

The Carpenter’s (AKA – The “Why Do Birds Suddenly Appear Every Time You Are Near” Relationship)

Everything seems to be going well and they are in a committed healthy relationship.  How inconsiderate of them!

The Nine Inch Nails (AKA – the “I Want To Fuck You Like An Animal” Relationship)

This couple is way too fucking lovey-dovey.  They are constantly holding hands and making out in public to the point where everyone is a bit uncomfortable.  Take it easy on the PDA Casanova, you don’t need to dry hump your chick when you are in line at the movies!

The Rolling Stones ( AKA – The “You Can’t Always Get What You Want…” Relationship)

This is where one party is way more powerful in the relationship than the other person and it leads to cringe inducing situations where one person completely dominates the other.  With these kind of couples the person decided long ago that the abuser had something that they could not do without and, to them, it is worth putting up with that kind of abuse.  It makes no sense to outsiders but when in this type of relationship you think any outsider’s opinions are worthless.  Save your breath on convincing your friend to break up with their lover – you are wasting your time.

The ELO (The “It’s Gonna Be A Showdown” Relationship)

These 2 secretly hate each other and should have broken things off long ago.  There is no known reason why they are still together.  Maybe it is too much of a pain in the ass to break up?  Maybe they don’t want to be alone? Whatever it is, they are passive aggressively hateful and even the smallest annoyances can set them off into thinly veiled insults.  If you go out to dinner with this couple get ready for some awkward silences and be ready to get the check and go home.

Did I miss any?  Which “musical” relationships have you been in?

Top Nine Albums of the 00′s (In no particular order)

Arcade Fire – Funeral

I downloaded this when it first came out and hated it. After liking their follow-up album “Neon Bible” I decided to give it another try – and realized that Arcade Fire was the best Canadian import since I smuggled those bottles of Absolute out of Ontario when I was 19.

My Morning Jacket – Okonokos

I listened to “Z” and thought these guys were pretty good… then I got this album and was blown away. It was taped in San Francisco at the Fillmore and they blew the doors of the fucking place. They are one of the best live bands I have ever seen – they are a ROCK band in a time when there are very few. I have the attention span of a termite and I actually watched their entire performance onscreen at a movie theater in San Diego – any band that can entertain me without even being there for that amount of time ROCKS.

Junior Boys - So This is Goodbye

I stumbled onto this band online randomly and listened the shit out of this album for about a year. Now it has become my go-to chill-out music. Jeremy Greenspan whispers his lyrics over the synthesized beats that don’t know if they want you to get up and dance or relax and smoke a J. Just to be safe throw this CD on and do both.

Animal Collective – Merriweather Post Pavilion

Probably the most unique of all of the bands on the list, Animal Collective seems to be able to take some of the most bizarre sounds and put them together to make very compelling music. It is definitely an acquired taste but give it a shot – hey, I didn’t like beer the first time I tried it either but now I put it on Cheerios. Trust me – give this one a listen.

Justice – Cross

I had no clue who Justice was until Street Scene 2008. They were one of the headlining bands and I had no idea why. Their name sounds like they are a “creed-esque” christian rock band and I was ready to skip the show altogether and check out someone else. My friend convinced me to stay and I thought I would regret it when I saw a big white cross onstage. They dropped the first beat of Genesis, whipped the crowd into a frenzy and I have been a fan ever since – for two creepy chain smoking French guys they can throw down!

Interpol – Turn on the Bright Lights

This album still reminds me of dreary Chicago winter afternoons. Their monotone lyrics and great guitar riffs were the soundtrack to my swan song in Chicago. “Turn on the Bright Lights” is a great album to curl up under the covers and listen to wondering why the fuck anyone lives in a cold weather climate.

Radiohead – Kid A

The best band of my generation. Period. There is no question about it. They have changed their music style and been successful every time. Their live shows are AMAZING. Every time I get off of a plane I listen to “Everything in its Right Place” – I don’t know why but I feel it is a great bookend from leaving your destination – and it just so happens that the rest of the album is a great soundtrack to wait for your bags to come. Don’t knock it until you try it… trust me.

TV on the Radio – Dear Science,

TV on the Radio followed up “Return to Cookie Mountain” with the best album of 2008. “Love Dog” is definitely one of my favorite songs of all time. I am looking forward to what these guys come up with next.

Pheonix - Wolfgang Amadaeus Pheonix

I may look back that this pick and regret it just because it is new to me but I have been listening to it non-stop since I bought it. It is fantastic – it feels to me like a more fully baked version of MGMT’s “Oracular Spectacular” without the annoying filler songs. Every beat seems to land at the right time – the way they have put together the album gives you everything you want just when you want it. I am going to check them out in a few weeks and can’t wait to see if they can deliver live what they have produced on this CD.

Honorable Mentions – The National – Boxer, Mew – And the Glass Handed Kites, We Are Scientists – With Love and Squalor, Philip Glass – Metamorphosis, Outkast – Stankonia, Anything that I missed?

1. Take at least one day off for the move - It is never fun to take days off of work for shitty things.  Moving is one of them, however take a Friday off and get most of the move finished before the weekend.  Wrap it up on Saturday and you can leisurely unpack on Sunday.  Coming home from work on Monday to a move-induced crack den of half unpacked items is not the way to do it.
2. Choosing a good location – This is really key, especially in San Diego which is the drunk driving capital of the world.  Bars and neighborhoods are so spread out that it is impossible to get around without getting on a highway.  Add in the fact that cabs are ridiculously expensive and public transportation is nonexistent create the perfect storm for driving buzzed.  My point being here that you need to have at least a few well placed bars and restaurants within walking distance too even consider living somewhere.  Parking is also a huge consideration… there is nothing more aggravating than coming home from the salt mine and driving around for a half hour looking for a spot.  Invest in a parking spot if you need to – you will thank me later.
3. Go with a girl to look at the place – When looking at a place why not take the sex that has a “nesting instinct”?  Women notice of all of the things that a guy would never think about when looking at a place.  I was once on the fence about getting a  place then one of my friends turned on the shower to see what the water pressure was like.  It trickled out in a weak stream and I knocked that place off the list right there – I didn’t want to feel like I was getting pissed on every morning… and I would never have thought to look at that!
4. Throw out as much shit as possible – Get rid of everything that you can.  Those overalls that you thought were the money in ’92 that you are still hanging on to just in case they come back into style… ditch them.
5. Rip it like a band-aid – I suck at this part.  As soon as I have moved all of my stuff I start unpacking in a phased approach (read: lazy).  I end up having boxes all over the new pad months after the move – bad idea – I look like I work for UPS.  Don’t be a lazy-ass… just unpack everything immediately.
6. Throw a party before you leave – Why not?  Fuck the old place… leave with a bang.  This is the time when you can throw a “graffiti party” (where everyone wears white shirts and brings a marker to deface each other’s shirts) – which is never a good idea in a place that you would want to stay after the fact. *Sidenote* These parties always devolve into writing on body parts.  The last graffiti party I was at one of my buddies colored in this chick’s nipple with a sharpie.  I can’t imagine that would be too fun to wash off *End Sidenote*
7. Hook up your neighbors – I hate being kind to the people around me as much as the next guy but in this case it is essential.  Meet your new neighbors and make sure they have your number.  One day you may need a cup of milk or them not to call the police when you are making too much noise when you get home from the bar… a few minutes here can save you a lot of hassle down the road.
8. Upper-deck the toilet before you leave – Always nice to leave a moving gift for the new tenants of your old place(just kidding… … … …maybe)
9. Suckering your friends into helping move – This is the time of the year when you need to call in all of those favors you have done for your buddies.  Remember when you dropped off and picked up someone at the airport or disposed of that drifter that your friend strangled (wait… did I say that out loud?) – its time to call in some favors to help out with the move.  A friend that owns the pick-up truck (poor bastard) is of utmost importance and you MUST guilt him into taking a few loads over to the new place.  Bribe them with beer and food if necessary.  One of my friends used to always help me move but he would get too baked and start breaking shit.  It is all fun and games until some asshole drops the glass coffee table.  I know some of my friends purposely suck at moving so they are never asked again (very, very smart).

Even if you follow all of these rules the move is still going to blow – if all else fails burn the place down, collect the insurance money and travel the world.

Any moving tips that I missed?

1. The Tryptophan Myth – I loathe this conversation and it happens every Thanksgiving.  After dinner is done someone eventually says that they are tired and someone always has to pipe up being all “Mr. Wizard” and explain that there is a drug in Turkey called Tryptophan that makes you sleepy.  Everyone takes it as fact.  It has nothing to do with fucking tryptophan and EVERYTHING to do with the 5 plates of food you engulfed and the half case of beer you just drank.  Do me a favor – the next time someone says this around you dutch oven them… it is the only way to stop this insanity.
2. Public Child Meltdown Syndrome (PCMS) – These always happens more frequently during the holidays and I am a big fan.  Some overworked mom is toting her children around for hours and one of the kids loses it.  Flailing on the floor, crying and throwing things around are all trademark moves of the PCMS.  You can’t stop it , you can only hope to contain it.  I love seeing these…especially near the end of the tantrum when the Mom does my favorite move… the wrist grab followed by a threat that Santa is watching.  Physical abuse followed up by lies to calm you kid down… booooya!
3. Candy canes – Fuck candy canes.  In the history of this “treat” I don’t think anyone has ever eaten a whole cane.  Get rid of them – they are the holiday equivalent of those shitty orange peanuts that you would get when you were trick-or-treating as a kid.
4. Work parties – What better way to trim a couple people from the roster at work than to get them all sauced up and unleash them on an unsuspecting banquet hall.  There is always some weird shit going on, it is usually best to avoid the festivities altogether.  The last holiday party I was at one of the chicks from Marketing ended up in the coat closet sucking face with this total creeper from the Sales department… AWKWARD!
5. Faking that you like a gift – An time-worn holiday tradition that I have been participating in since I was a kid.  There is always some go to line like “Sweet!” or “Nice… thanks you so much!” to mask your utter disappointment in their gift selecting abilities.  The worst is when you get pegged as liking something then you grow out of it.  I got geology books from my one aunt for years all due to the one time she saw that I was watching some TV show about rocks – fuck my life.
6. Christmas Specials – These stop me in my tracks when I am channel surfing every time.  I have seen them a million times but there is something about Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer or the Grinch that makes it must-watch material.  Getting stoned and watching “It’s a Wonderful Life” can blow your mind and get you in the Christmas Spirit all at the same time!  Are they going to be playing this shit in 30 years still?
7. Kwanzaa Jokes – Replace Kwanzaa with anything Christmas or Hanukkah related and hilarity ensues.  I have no idea what Kwanzaa is but the whole idea of it seems funny to me.  Instead of Christmas caroling go Kwanzaa Caroling… John Lennon’s “So this is Christmas” turns into “So this si Kwanzaa”…  What a crappy holiday.  Just buy shit that you can’t afford on your credit card and celebrate the Christmas like everyone else.
8. Holiday Travel - People are so ridiculously stressed out from the holidays that the airport is the epicenter for people losing their mind.  Most people don’t like traveling for the holidays but I find it fascinating.  I sit back and watch people go ape-shit.  There is nothing that you can do but sit back and soak it all in.  From the ticket counter lady getting yelled at to the degenerates sleeping on the floor next to the food court… it is all good.
9. Christmas night booze-fest – I started a tradition a few years ago that I would highly recommend.  Go out the night of Christmas.  Why-the-fuck-not?  It baffles me why this is not a bigger night of going out than the night before Thanksgiving.  After a grueling 2 days of constant family gathering, what could be better than going out with your buds to have a few cocktails.  Everyone has off the next day and no one does anything productive the day after Christmas anyways.  Join me in my alcoholic yearly activity!

Ahhhhh, now I feel in a more holiday mood… did I miss anything?

Top 9 Drunken Moments (In no particular order)

Cabo Cantina, San Diego – 2 for 1 drinks sound like a great deal but it can get ugly fast.  One of my friends was hitting on some blond at the bar and she started to playfully slap him in the face.  In his mind it turned from playful to annoying quickly.  He asked her to stop 3 times and when she didn’t he made her pay the price with a buy-one-get-one-free-corona-douching.  He unloaded both beers over her head… when I looked over I thought they were celebrating winning the World Series – the bouncers did not think it was so funny and booted him.

PT O’Malley’s, East Lansing- This was the apex of my drunkenness in college, my 21st birthday.  After getting into the bar at midnight, plowing through 20 shots (I couldn’t quite stomach the 21st, a Dirty Girl Scout) and getting kicked out at 1 AM I stumbled back to my house on a spree of stupidity and violence.  I  finally arrived home ready to pass out only to run smack dab into another party.  Everyone knew I was wasted and wanted to fuck with me, especially one of the older guys who I will call “Charlie”.  ”Charlie” took it a little too far and was jabbing me in the gut trying to make me puke.  I asked him to stop once… the second time I threw him in a headlock and didn’t let go until he stopped struggling.  As I released my grip and he fell back like a pile of bricks and thudded on the floor motionless.  One of he fellow party goers cried out “You killed Charlie!”  I thought I did… until a few gasps of air erupted from his mouth.  For about 15 seconds I thought I was going to be spending the remainder of my 20′s in the pokey on manslaughter charges.  Thanks booze!

Some Banquet Hall, Southfield- This day in drunken history was the wedding of one of my friends who was the first to get married out of college – always a recipe for disaster.  This is probably the number 1 MVD (most valuable drunk) performance that I have ever witnessed.  My drunk buddy:

• Smashed an entire bottle of red wine on the carpet of the banquet hall.
• When the bar was closed for the night filled his own pitcher from the tap as the bartender chased him away.
• Refused to give the pitcher back even when the bride’s Dad demanded it.
• Was told by the bride’s dad that he “Thought it would be best if you would just leave”
• Pissed on the front step of the hall (one hand outstretched, propping him up) as relatives were filing out of the entrance
• Went to the parking lot, smashed another entire bottle of red wine, fell into it and cut his face and arms on the shards of glass.
• Finished the night in the women’s restroom getting his bloody face dabbed clean with a tampon by the groom’s mom

I challenge you for a better MVD…

The Bank/Carmel, Las Vegas – Pop quiz time – On the off chance that you would have an “accident” in your pants at the bar would you:

A – Tell Everyone what you just did

B – Continue to wear your pee pants the rest of the night

C – Wear the same pee pants on the flight home the next morning

D – All of the above

If your answer is D then you may have a lot in common with one of my friends.

Rick’s, East Lansing- The infamous psych out spree of 2009.  In my last visit to East Lansing one of my friends broke the record for consecutive high-5 psych outs (This was after he told the girlfriend of a football player that she looked like she could bowl a 280 – AKA she was a lesbian.)    Trust me, next time you are wasted burn random strangers walking by with a psych out… hilarity ensues.

Blarney Stone, San Diego- After a night at the local shitty Irish pub we came back to the house.  I went to bed with the chick that I was dating at the time and my roommates went outside to have a smoke.  About 10 minutes later I heard a commotion and one of my roomies screaming “GET IT OUT OF HIS MOUTH… GET IT OUT OF HIS MOUTH!!!”.  I threw on some pants and came out of the room to see my roomate’s birdcage smashed open on the floor and 3 cats tearing them to shreds.  Long story short we buried the bird outside and I lead a half drunk eulogy for my fallen avian brothers.

My Parents House, Chicago – Lets just say after Christmas 2007 the new name for a Dirty Martini is a “Grammy Killer”.

Tribeca Tavern, New York- We tried the impossible – an uptown to downtown bar crawl.  We ended up at Tribeca Tavern after we had already been getting kicked out of another bar for throwing batteries and almost hitting the bartender.  Yes, BATTERIES and no this wasn’t a prison riot, it was a bar crawl.  The 4 of us were sitting there in a stupor when one of my friends apparently was done with her gum.  She fired it out of her mouth, it arced up into the air and came to rest on the very edge of the bar.  Apparently she reconsidered her action because without a word she got up from her seat, walked over and retrieved the gum back off the bar with her teeth.  One of my fellow bar crawlers looked over to me with a deadpan face and said ”That happened.”

LandShark, East Lansing- After a fun night at the bar that included one of my friends making out with a chick we dubbed “The Dump Truck” (mind you this happened in the middle of the bar and we took so many pictures that all of the flashes going off looked like Leonardo Decaprio walked in with some paparazzi) we finally got “last-called” and left.  One of my friends thought it would be a great idea to tackle another one of my friends in the street.  It was NOT a good idea – one friend ended up with a scab on his upper lip reminiscent of Hitler and she smashed her hand on the ground.  She consulted Dr. Ultraparadoxical on what she should do about her hand.  I told her to sleep it off…

Bad idea – she woke up in the morning with her hand completely purple and looking like the dude from Scary Movie 4.  the next day was spent at the emergency room with her Dad instead of tailgating… good times!

Let me know if you have any good ones.  Thanks for reading!

The term salt mine was coined by my brother about 6 years ago when I was working at a shitty call center grinding through my 7-4 shift Tuesday through Saturday slinging Direct TV equipment.  He was visiting me for a couple of days and I let him borrow my car while I was working.  True to form he was about a half hour late picking me up from that God-forsaken hell hole.  Waiting for him on the uncomfortable plastic break room chairs while watching the other call center losers heat up their microwave burritos put me in an especially foul mood.  After reading pretty much everything on the bulletin board (within that half hour I became an expert in the occupational hazard law in California) I finally spotted my jackass brother pull up outside fresh from a surf.  The day had apparently beat me down because as I shambled out to the car (shirt half tucked, head hanging low) he said “Salt mine getting you down?”  I hopped into the car and looked at myself in the mirror.  Although I have never seen a salt miner I swear that I looked like I just clocked out of a 12 hour shift in the salt pit.  That’s how much a bad job can bring you down.  I have long since left that job for greener pastures to a less aggravating job but thinking back on it now it was certainly a true salt mine, but there is a little salt mine in every job.  Even if you love your job there are some days that you don’t want to be there or your co-workers suck.  Every salt mine has a crew of people that you would not normally spend 8 hours a day of your own volition and this Top Nine Friday is dedicated to the douchie-est of these familiar salt mine inhabitants.

9 – The Skank/The Sleezebag – Have you hooked up with more than 5 people at your office?  If the answer is yes then you are number 9.  (Yes, oral counts -and you are an even bigger skank/sleezebag for asking)

8 - The Gossip - The title pretty much speaks for itself.  They are the rumor mill.  Free tip – use these people to your advantage by planting bullshit rumors about people that piss you off at work.  Now everyone thinks that the guy in marketing shit himself and had to change his pants halfway through the last team building event!  Untraceable!

7 – The ”He-belongs-in-a-padded-cell-not-a-cubicle” guy - I had one of these at my office a few years ago (for the sake of anonymity lets call him “Norman”.  He:

• Sexually harassed a half dozen employees
• Would sent cryptic emails to customers and other employees he didn’t like that ranged from passive-aggressive to homicidal
• Choked a pregnant co-worker (not kidding)
• At one company event ”Norman” molested a waitress, started a fight with another co-worker and got kicked out of the bar by the bouncers

Only after the last bullet did he finally get shit-canned.  A week after he was let go the fire alarm went off randomly at our office.  Everyone -  and I mean EVERYONE thought that ”Norman” set the alarm off as some sort of elaborate plan to come back and pick us off one by one Columbine style.

6 – The Foreigner - You have no idea what the fuck they are saying and that is probably the reason that they still have their job.  How can you fire someone if you can’t understand them?

5 – The Drunk – She has pictures of her kids on her desk and wears conservative pant-suits to work but after she had a martini or two at the 2008 company kick-off event she grinded the HR Director on the dance floor and then knocked over the chocolate fountain.  Stay off the sauce drunkie!

4 – The Lonely Spinster – She is easy to spot.  Get up from your desk and “prairie-dog” it for a second… look for the lady wearing a dress that MAY have been fashionable in 1988… does she have a FUPA?  Yes?  Ok, we are getting really hot now… what is on her cube wall?  Cat posters?  Bingo!  There she is!  The last time she got laid was the Nixon administration!

3 – The Creeper – Ahhh, yes, one of my favorites.  The arsenal of the office creeper includes unsolicited back rubs, uncomfortable sexual innuendo (that’s what she said), and maybe even a late night text or 20 if they have your cell.  There is NO reason anyone in your office should know how fast you ran the 5K fun run in 2004 – not unless they googled your name and Facebook stalked you!

2 – “Reply to All”-  When someone replies to all on a group email with things like “Great!!!!”, “Congratulations!!!” or just reiterates exactly what the last person just said I inherently hate them.  These serial “reply to all-ers” are the lowest form of office life – it is the worst kind of ass-kissing.

1 – The Break Room Chef – Why the fuck does the entire office smell like burnt cat shit?  Maybe you should ask Chef-Boy-R-Dumbass because he thought it was a good idea to make a tuna souffle in the microwave.

Those are my 9 – did I miss any?  Leave any suggestions in the comments… I better get my hard hat back on… this salt isn’t going to mine itself!

I watched it religiously all through grade school and into high school.  Then it became syndicated and I was able to watch it every day.  This continued through high school and even into college where the 2 hours that the reruns played were dedicated solely to Simpsons viewing.  In college my house would literally shut down during this time of the day.  To be honest though I have not watched a new Simpson’s episode in a few years and disavow all knowledge of any new episodes being created after 2002.    My hours of couch time spent watching this show has given me an encyclopedic knowledge of any Simpsons episode from seasons 3-13 (the early episodes have not aged well).  So in honor of Marge Simpson appearing on the cover of Playboy I am examining the best of the best Simpsons episodes from those years:

9 – Rosebud – October 21st, 1993

“64 slices of American cheese…”

Turning the tables on someone who has more power over you is always fun… except when you are an idiot and you have no idea how to use that “something” to your advantage.

8 – Itchy and Scratchy Land – October 2nd, 1994

“We have another jumper on the roof of TGI McScratchy’s”

Of all of the episodes I may have watched this one the most.  I happened to tape this one sometime in high school and watched it whenever there was nothing else on.  One thing though, Marge says “See Homer, that’s why your robot never worked” (pointing to the circuits in the head of an robot Scratchy), I still don’t get that joke – but for some reason I laugh at it.

7 – Take My Wife, Sleaze – November 28th 1999

“When in an interview, try not to call your employer a punk or a skank.”

Not much to say about this episode other than can’t think of a better name for a biker gang than Christ Punchers.  Also, any time someone says the word resumé, I immediately think of the biker gang members…

6 – Lisa the Vegetarian – October 15th, 1995

“Another Whopper for the COPPER!”

A part of me always knew… but this episode confirmed that “You don’t make friends with salad… you don’t make friends with salad.”

5 – El Viaje Misterioso De Nuestro Homer – January 7th, 2009

“In your face Space Coyote!”

This episode reminds me of college and gave me some indispensable advice, specifically I knew exactly what to do if I ever woke up hungover in a sand trap.  As well as that you never kick a turtle in the ass if he is trying to lead the way to your spirit guide.

4 – You Only Move Once – November 3rd, 1996

“Did you ever see a guy talk to a pair of shoes?”

This episode never shows up on any of people’s favorites list but for me it is one of the best.  I watched this many times in college and it helped me develop my skewed view of what the job world awaiting me would be like.  Add that to making fun of developmentally disabled schools “They think I’m slow because I’m from Canada”, make this one a winner.

3 – Homer Goes to College – October 14, 1993

“NNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRDDDDDDDDDDDDSSSSSSSS!”

This episode was one of Conan O’Brien’s last episodes and one of the best of the series.  For the simple fact that this introduced the word “Nerdlinger” into my vocabulary it is essential on this Top 9 list.

2 – $pringfield – December 16, 1993

“That’s a right triangle, you idiot!”

I love gambling and to see an unlikely target for vice, Marge, get sucked into Gamblor’s evil neon claws is especially rewarding.  To this day I still want to see the episode of The Gong Show with the break dancing robot that caught on fire.

1 – Deep Space Homer – February 24th, 1994

“I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords”

This episode typifies the intelligent commentary on media, politics and everyday life that drew so many people to the series (and still sneaks in a joke about Mr. T).  It was a show that exemplified the truth about the world we live in more than any show before it.  It  paved the way for the age of entertainment we live in today where we are more likely to get our news from comedians and laugh at politicians.  In the end this episode may be truly prophetic “Wait… that was our Planet!”

As I started to write this article I had no idea how difficult this was and I know I missed a bunch.  Are there any glaring omissions?

If I am looking to buy a book, rent a movie, or watch a TV show there is one subject that I will choose over anything else – the apocalypse.  From your standard 99.99% deadly virus to a global infestation of zombies to a nuclear holocaust I love me some world destruction.  Basically they are all the same premise:

• The protagonist gets thrown into a chaotic situation and the standard rules of the world are thrown out of the window as they stumble blindly around familiar environments that are made unfamiliar by their new scenario’s “rules”.
• The confusion and loneliness of their situation slowly worn away by finding others or learning why or how they ended up in their current situation.
• At the peak of their self-realization a plan is made to solve their problem or relocate to a realm of safety.
• Battles are won and lost, more people die and they arrive to a solution or a place of perceived safety only to yield more uncertainty.
• The credits roll and the audience is unsatisfied.

There are a few things here that are worth exploring:

The reasons why these types of movies are compelling are due to the possibilities that the post apocalyptic world offers.  The rules and limitations of the old world are wiped away and the characters are left to pursue their desires in a way that the pre-apocalypse world never could.  Who wouldn’t want to shank golf balls into Manhattan, man a sniper rifle from the top of a mall or beat-off on home plate in Yankee Stadium (points for you if you know what stories each of those scenes are from)?  The aggravations of modern life can be shed and a new existence can be created somewhere in between modern man and prehistoric man.  Toiling away in an office in 2009 AD or scrounging for food in 5000 BC - no thanks.  Toting a high powered rifle while stalking a herd of deer in downtown Chicago - yes, please!

Watching these movies or reading these books makes me so jealous of the people running around living their lives without any of the restrictions associated with modern day responsibilities.  In all reality though I know it would suck.  I am not equipped to operate in an environment similar to what is portrayed in”The Walking Dead”.  I like electricity, uninterrupted sleep and not fearing for my life enough not to really want to live in the aftermath of the apocalypse.   I have only shot a gun once, I could not kill and butcher an animal to eat, and I certainly would not do well in a bare knuckle brawl with a blood thirsty zombie.  Add that to the fact that everyone I know would be gone and I would have to live inside my own thoughts.  It would be like being stoned all the time… I would freak the fuck out.  If I were living in a post-viral apocalypse I would be shitting my pants any time I had a sore throat , crushing up Airborne and snorting it just to be safe.

The possibilities though, fucking-A, the possibilities - no more cubicles, no more mortgage payments, free reign over everything.   Also, there always seems to be hot chicks strewn about the shattered landscape wearing wet white tee shirts the day that the world ended that I know I would be running into.  It is weird how that happens.  Bottom line is that I know I would be ill-equipped to live that life but sometimes anything is better than sitting in my office dying a slow sedentary death instead of getting shit on from above by an advanced race of alien invaders.  Modern life isn’t so bad though… I guess I am getting paid to blog right now.

As for the final stage of these tales of destruction there is always a feeling of dissatisfaction as these movies end.  There is no good way to wrap them up without being too cheesy (Day After Tomorrow), too depressing (28 Days Later) or just fucking lame (The Happening).  “The Walking Dead” has really taken the best approach to fix the problem with this genre of movie by simply never ending.  In an interview, the write of “The Walking Dead” series, Robert Kirkman explains that he does not see an end in sight for this comic book series which lets him explore this subject with a clarity that no one else has been able to.  A TV show is scheduled to be released in the near future based on this comic which would be amazing.

For now my daydreams of riding a motorcycle cross country through the littered debris of car wrecks and the remnants of a society that has faded will stay on the page or on the screen but who knows what the future holds.  So without further ado I present the first installment of Top Nine Friday with:

Top Nine Apocalypse Stories

1. The Road (Book) – an simply written book that serves as a vehicle to illustrate the weakness of human nature and the fragility of the bonds between people.
2. The Walking Dead (Comic Book) – a “never ending” comic series that is well illustrated and written – I am hooked.
3. Fallout (Video Game) – game I used to play back in the day – funny take on the apocalypse in a choose your own adventure style.
4. Night of the Living Dead (Movie) – classic.
5. The Stand (Book) – I read this when I was a kid over a summer break because I liked the cover and it started me on my appreciation for this type of story.
6. War of the Worlds (Book) – one of the most enduring apocalypse stories and one of the first sci-fi books ever.
7. 12 Monkeys (Movie) – best ending for an apocalypse movie – it still freaks me out that Bruce Willis’s character’s life is a loop – I think… right?
8. Red Dawn (Movie) - barely qualifies as an apocalypse movie but I still remember these douche-bags that I painted houses with in college “hoping” World War 3 happened so they could take up arms and call themselves the “Wolverines”.
9. Shaun of the Dead (Movie) – funniest apocalypse movie to date.