Politicians should have to wear stickers or buttons denoting their largest campaign contributors.  I would prefer to have lobbying completely abolished, but I am not naive enough to think that would ever happen.  Having a politician covered in logos as if he were a NASCAR driver would at least help people cut through the bullshit far more easily.  When a senator is at a press conference talking about how we need to ease environmental regulations and he has a big Exxon logo on his chest it makes things a bit clearer for the average voter to see where that politician’s allegiances lie.

Media

I watched a football game live (4:30AM Sydney time) and it was the first time I had really seen American commercials in a long time.  After not seeing advertisements in so long I noticed that every other commercial was either about 1 – How wives are annoying shrews to be lied to and avoided at all times 2 – Husbands are lecherous scumbags who could care less about their wives, are assholes to their friends and secretly hate their children. 3 – Children are either ultra-cute, bastions of love and grace or prickly little consumerist bastards depending on the product being sold.  Every single commercial that is constantly being rammed down everyon’e throats is in direct opposition to the family values that America prides itself on. 

It really speaks to the dualism of American life that has really been made evident to me since I have moved here.  There is a huge gulf in America between what is said and what is really meant that is much less so in Australia.  The announced and inferred messages of media, politicians, and sports are much more homogeneous in Australia.  Companies, politicians and athletes will say one thing and intend another in the US and the public seems to be able to process both realities even if they are in opposition.  People priding themselves on strong family values on one hand and identifying with the scumbag husbands and jaded mothers is really more unique to American culture than I ever thought.

Gays

I was invited to play basketball with a friend from work who happens to be gay.  I have had a friend in town from New York for most of the past few weeks and haven’t been able to play for a while so I took him up on the offer.  He called to tell me he was downstairs and as I was leaving my apartment I mentioned to my friend that I hoped this wasn’t an overtly gay basketball game then went downstairs and hopped into his car… which was a red Miata convertible pumping techno music.  In my opinion the only gayer vehicle is a gay pride float.  At this point I had a second thought or two about playing in his tournament.  That second thought turned into a 3rd and 4th thought when I arrived in the parking lot to see a few trannies milling about the entrance.

I shrugged it off and went in and met the guys we were playing with, who were all really nice.  We played and it was fine, they were not very talented but it was good to run around for a bit.  It was pretty much just like any other pick-up game I have played except for one thing.  We were playing half-court and on the other side of the gym there was wrestling competition set up.  **Sidenote** I was telling one of my friends about this and I was explaining to her that they were playing the “gayest possible sport: on the other end of the gym.  I had her guess to what I was referring.  Her guesses: Badminton (huh?  More Asian than gay), gymnastics (good guess), and “that floor routine where they twirl around that ribbon” (I stand corrected, that may be the gayest sport) **End Sidenote**

Something about it was just really creepy to me, it was some tall white dude and a little Pilipino guy rolling around in pastel uni-tards.  It definitely made me feel awkward but thinking back there really isn’t much difference between 2 gays wrestling in a gym and a guy grinding up against a chick in a club.  After playing a few games I was definitely recruited to join a gay basketball team for which I politely declined.  I don’t think I would ever play with those guys again, not because I am a homophobe but more for the fact that it is false advertising.  I am not gay and I am sure that these dudes go to this to meet other hookups.  It is understandable though, if I you told me that I could go wrestle or play basketball with some cute chicks in bikinis I would definitely be down.  Besides the crappy car selection, the gays really have their shit together.

Racism

As I have said before, Australians are racist.  It is not a aggressive type of racism but a more curious almost endearing from of racism that I have never really seen before.  I was at the bar last weekend for the New Zealand vs. Australia rugby game and someone shouted “pass it to the coconut” referring to a member of the team who was from Fiji.  Harmless, stupid racism.  Many of the funniest conversations I have had with Australians have started out with “I don’t want to sound racist buuuuuuttttt….” then they go on to say something incredibly racist, not hateful, just racist.  Almost like a child saying something they didn’t know was really offensive.  This one guy started talking to me about NFL football and asked if the white and black players were actually friends and if they fought all the time.  How do you even answer a question like that?

7:42 PM

We are live from ANZ Stadium near Sydney to bring you game 2 of “The State of Origin” series between New South Wales and Queensland.  One of my Aussie friends was explaining the background of this series as a running blood feud between the 2 regions that is usually one of the most hotly contested and violent series of the year.  It would be like having a  uber comeptitive all-star game in the middle of the NFL season and the players played for their hometowns.  It pits teammates vs each other and smashing someone in the face is acceptable and encouraged.  A few weeks ago game one of “The State of Origin” featured a fistfight at midfield and many blood soaked jerseys.  Color me intrigued.

7:55 PM

At least one thing is the same the world over.  A pregame conversation between a bunch of idiot commentators laughing at their own jokes.  One guy is looked like the lovechild of Terry Bradshaw and “Thing” from the Munsters.  I picture Powder being his only son.

8:05 PM

A rendition of the Australian national anthem sounds pretty ridiculous (almost like a discarded melody from the creators of “We are the World”… I picture Dan Akroyd and Michael Jackson collaborating on this in 1982 and am sad for Australia).  It makes me glad that the US anthem is pretty solid.

8:12 PM NSW 0 – QLD 0

Game on!  The ball is kicked away and there is a lot of lateraling and slamming of bodies.  Apparently there are 6 downs and you need to kick on the last one or it is a turnover.  A down consists of stopping forward progress as well as laying on/punching/spiking/kneeing/elbowing your opponent until he starts doing a kind of “centipede” style break dance move to get the defender off and the play is reset with more lateraling.  Within the first few minutes of action one of the NSW forwards has a gaping wound near his orbital bone and he is quickly wrapped up with a headband karate-kid style and marches right back out into the field.  When someone gets hurt the medical staff goes onto the field while they are still playing as long as it does not interfere with the action.  I love this.  It is almost like ‘Nam, continuing the action while your buddy is getting put back together.

8:25 PM NSW 0 – QLD 2

A penalty is called and I am confused.  Every other time a defender was manhandling the offensive carrier and trying to break his nose it was fine, this time there is a penalty and they kick a 2 point drop kick field goal.

8:27 PM NSW 0 – QLD 8

I am starting to get a feel for how the game works and am getting into it.  I feel the momentum shifting to NSW as they are winning the field position battle down the field.  Then QLD commits a penalty and NSW elects to kick a penalty ball instead of going for the try (a try is like a touchdown, 6 points, the penalty kick is worth 2).  He promptly mucks the kick off the goalpost and QLD rams it down their throat for a try the other way.

8:57 PM NSW 6 – QLD 8 – HALFTIME

NSW punches one in right before the half and after understanding the rules I already hate the QLD squad.  they have this scummy euro-type guy in a helmet that looks like a swim cap who I would like to see smeared across the field by one of the NSW bruisers.  2 things from halftime:

1 – The commercials in Australia are much more risque than the US.  One beer commercial implied that someone was fucking another guy’s mom complete with the guy slapping some cougar looking lady’s ass at the end of the scene.  Keep it classy Australia.

2 – I never know how much gambling went on here.  It is EVERYWHERE.  There is a casino in downtown Sydney, slot machines in every pub and TAB parlors (for sports and horse gambling) in every neighborhood.  At halftime some skeezy looking Australian guy was giving out the halftime spreads and urging people to log in to gamble on the game.  Fucking awesome!  There is no reason gambling should not be integrated into American sports in the same fashion.  One of the rugby venues is actually called Centrebet Stadium.  Australia, I think I love you.

9:15 PM NSW 12 – QLD 8

In the first “WOW” moment of the game happens as William Hopoate, the youngest member of the NSW squad, speeds around the corner and sneaks in a try to the corner of the end zone.  Impressive.

At this point of the night one of my friends came over as we had dinner plans but she was into the game as well so we watched until the end.  She was also able to explain a few more things that I could not figure out like: What don’t they try to strip the ball? (because it is illegal unless it is a 1-on-1 tackle) and: What is “knock-on”? (it is when an offensive player fumbles the ball forward, which results in a turnover).  She was explained the other rugby leagues that go on in Australia:

National Rugby League (what I was watching) – Is a sport played by a bunch off ass-necked meat-heads who enjoy slamming into each other.  It is kind of a grind and field position is very important.  It reminds me of watching NFL running plays or option sets in NCAA football.  This is the most popular form of rugby in Sydney.

Australian Rules Football - This is like a cross between soccer and rugby.  There is a lot of kicking and no tackling.  I have seen this in the bar a few times and been totally baffled by the rules.  My friend described this as “poofter rugby” and then went on to say that I would probably be good at it since I as tall.  Thanks… I think.  This is the most popular form of rugby in Melbourne.

Rugby Union - She explained this to me but by this point I was pretty rugby-d out.  Apparently no one really watches to much of this.  So there’s that.

9:25 PM NSW 18 – QLD 8

NSW punches in one last try and puts the game away.  Good times.  The crowd goes crazy and the team goes back into the locker room to determine how much blood was lost.  Well, all in all, it was a great first date with Rugby… I think this may be the start of a long term relationship.

Most of my friends were meeting at the bar beforehand and took taxis to the Sports Arena but I had some things to do before the game so I had to meet them at the venue.  I knew I couldn’t go in to this event stone cold sober though.  We didn’t have much time until the game started so we ended up passing around a bottle of vodka in the parking lot of Ralph’s before we made our was to the game (don’t judge me, I challenge you to find a more apropos way to prepare for an LFL game than to chug strawberry vodka out of the bottle).  A few swigs later we were on our way to buy tickets.

We had a mixed group of guys and girls but for the most part the crowd was mostly guys, some of which were sporting some Seduction logo apparel.  At what point in life is it OK to wear fan apparel from a lingerie football league?  Wearing a Seduction t-shirt would fall somewhere in between a fishnet tank-top and a Michigan Wolverines t-shirt on the “improbability-of-me-wearing-it-O-meter”.  The “people watching” was excellent but at that point I was ready to get into the game, I paid 20 bucks for the ticket and walked into the arena, not knowing what to expect.

That’s actually not true.  I was expecting some spindly looking women prancing around the field playing touch football not trying to break their nails.  I was expecting to laugh at them the way I laugh at the WNBA.  My expectations were wrong.  These chicks were ass-kickers.  They were still “hot” in the classical sense but some of them were built like brick shit houses.  They must recruit athletes right out of college soccer and volleyball programs because pretty much every girl on the field was in better shape than I am.  They ran plays, hit each other and had a fierce competitiveness and hatred for the opposing team that I have not seen since the NBA in the mid-eighties.  They all wanted to win and not just that, they wanted to embarrass their opponent.  Granted, I did make asshole comments like “that quarterback throws like a girl” and “they’re playing like a bunch of Nancies out there” until the girls in the group told me to shut the fuck up, but despite my comments I was genuinely impressed.  This is not to say that this is going to replace the NFL anytime soon but as far as women’s sports goes this is by far the most watchable (and not just because there is a slim chance that one of their titties may pop out).

This made me think of all the possibilities if there were actually a legitimate women’s football league.  For example, instead of seeing an injury report with something like this: Adrian Peterson (ankle) we could see something like this: Amber Scott (implant) or this: Sally Swanson (womb).  Would every chick on the team end up syncing up menstrual cycles with the rest of their teammates?  Would the gambling community be able to get that information and shift the spread a few points whenever a team had collective PMS?  I need answers.

For most of the game I was near the back of the stands with my drunken friends but right before they started the second half we meandered down right near the sidelines.  Little did I know that the arena was similar to Dante’s levels of hell, getting creepier and creepier as I headed nearer the field.  I immediately felt gross even being around the dudes that were sitting that close to the action.  There was a scumbag in a filthy Tommy Bahama t-shirt tucked into stonewashed jeans with no belt that was especially sketchy to my right.  He watched the women stretch midfield with a lascivious glare that would make a pedophile blush.  That wasn’t even the worst of it.  To my left was a husband and wife that had taken their preteen daughters to the game.  Any parent that would take their kids to one of there games should be imprisoned for child endangerment on the spot.  Most of the chicks on the field are a few bad decisions away from being strippers or escorts, it probably isn’t a great idea to have your kids watch them.  Just a thought.

The game ended up being a tight (haha) victory for San Diego, and as we were leaving I felt like it was a $20 well spent.  I would probably never go again but it was definitely a good way to piss away a Friday night.  Then it happened.  I glanced to the opposite side of the arena as one of the spectators chucked something towards midfield.  I squinted to see what the object was as it flipped and flopped through the air.  It landed with a thud onto the LFL logo.  I finally realized what it was, a huge flesh colored dildo.  It was a vieny bastard too, big as a baby’s arm.  I quickly alerted my friends to what was going on and we stared aghast as one of the attendants saw it and started lazily kicking it towards the opposite sideline.  As he arrived near the scorer’s table he was at an impasse.  He certainly didn’t want to touch this thing with his hands but he needed to get rid of it.  I think he had a “eureka” moment and in one quick motion he reached down and limply tossed it at the scorekeepers who had been laughing at him while he had kicked the phallus across the field.  Their smiles turned into a rictus of terror as they leaped out of the way.  The guy might as well have been throwing feces at them based on how they jumped.  It was a truly fantastic moment and I had the LFL and some asshole who decided it was a good idea to smuggle a fake cock into a football game to thank.

See the action for yourself if you don’t believe me.  Apparently they televise the games on MTV2, check it out…

• Apparently there is a brother/sister combination in one of the pairs ice skating competitions.  In the article the brother complains about having to hold hands with his sister all the time but that would not be the issue for me.  Hoisting my sister up with one had about 3 inches from her camel toe would probably be a bigger problem.  I know, I know, its all an act and part of the spectacle, but it is still creepy.   I think the only worse partner to have would be your mother – that would get real weird.
• Goodbye Boner, we hardly knew ye… I really shouldn’t joke about someone committing suicide but this is just too bizarre to not mention.  I was trying to think of a former television star being involved in something more random/weird than this story.  All I could come up with would be Mr. Belvedere being gunned down during an attempted bank heist (and then drop kicking his jacket as he keeled over).  I have so many questions about this story and sadly they will all go unanswered.  Why did they name a character on a family TV show after an erect cock?  What has Boner been doing for the past 20 years that made him so depressed?  Why did he decide to off himself at the Olympic venue?  Bottom line is that it sucks for him and his family but, what the fuck… the whole situation is completely beyond my comprehension.  I am going to pour out a little of my drink at happy hour today for my main man Boner.
• Curling… I have to say I am a fan.  2 things: 1 – I watched this for 2 hours before going out to the bar on Saturday and I still have no idea what the rules are.  The announcers talk about everything except how the game is played.  Do they realize that there are about a half dozen people in the US that actually know the rules to curling?  They should be explaining everything that goes on as if I were watching football with a girlfriend.  During football games they explain the rules that everyone already knows but with curling they don’t mention a thing… WTF?  It is like assuming a class of third graders understands advanced thermodynamics and giving them a presentation on it.  It doesn’t make sense.  My theory is that it is a Canadian conspiracy to make Americans feel dumb.  2 – They should encourage drinking during the competition.  In all reality curling is a glorified version of shuffleboard that they have at the bar with those little iron pucks.  If those Danish chicks were wasted hurling those curling stones (see, I know the terminology, I told you I was a fan) and getting interviewed making a walk of shame in the Olympic village after their match the next morning I would be a lifelong fan.
• I saw the US vs. Canada hockey game on Sunday at the bar and really enjoyed it.  Everyone was on the edge of their seats during the 3rd period and let out a large cheer when we won.  However, after about 5 minutes no one even cared about the game.  Thinking about the poor Canadians who were probably crushed with the loss made me laugh a little.  There is a perverse joy that Americans get when they are better at things we really are not concerned with.  We love being able to say “We don’t give a shit about hockey, and we just beat your ass, suck on that.”   It should be interesting if we end up playing them again for the gold medal – I have never seen an angry Canadian before but if we beat them again the Canadian mounties better be ready quell a Canadian riot!

Alas though, the games are just about over, but so is my unpacking.  Have a great weekend!

The close shots of Brees and his son almost made me toss up the 7 layer nacho dip I had been housing the whole game.  It kind of brings up a good question.  What do you say about a friends ugly baby?  The parents jam him or her in your face and you are supposed to pretend that the baby is every bit as beautiful as they think that he or she is.  I don’t think that I could do it with Brees’s kid – I would stiff-arm that thing like a opposing defense back.  Lets all just agree to let sleeping babies lie and I will hope that I never look down the barrel of Brees kid’s disfigured mug (again… I am an asshole, but you knew that already).

In other news, I am moving to a new place right now and hate life.  I own just about nothing and I still despise the whole process – I am so lazy about the whole thing it is pathetic.  I can’t help it though – manual labor and I just do not get along.  Moving seems like it is going to be a fairly straightforward process then every little thing pops up and it ends up taking 5 times as long as you thought it would.  I feel bad for the people that have a ton of stuff – I would rather give Shaq a hand-job than move a huge house worth of stuff.  I couldn’t imagine the process if I had a family and grown up furniture and I had to move.  I would absolutely lose my mind.  I hope to be done by the end of this weekend and I will finally be content – or at least as close to content as I can be heading into another work week at the salt mine.  Oh wait… no work on Monday… booooya!

In other words I’m cutting this post short and I won’t be posting again until a week from today… wish me luck on my move!

I am not saying that I am above corner cutting and overall “softening” of the US’s collective intelligence, if anything, I am a product of it.  I can admit it though, a great example is my job.  I have been working in technology sales for a about ten years.  Some of it has been a never ending grind of cold calls and call metrics while other positions have been so incredibly cushy that I am surprised that someone is stupid enough to be paying me to do my job.  Right now I am in a position that is the latter but shifting to more of the former.  Most of my job is just exhibiting the appearance of work and doing anything in the background that needs to be done to attain my goals or at least be equal or better to my peers.  Sales jobs in general are a cat and mouse game between the salesperson and the executives where the executives try to game the quota system and the salespeople take the path of least resistance to get as much money as they can and not break too much of a sweat.  It disgusts me sometimes but then I look at my W-2 and everything seems OK after that.

That last sentence is part of the point that I am trying to make.  Everything is so focused on the short term results of whatever we are doing that it is difficult to zero in on any longer term damage or what we had to do (good or bad) to achieve those goals.  Sometimes my job success requires me to be shady or tell half truths to get results and I do whatever it takes because if I don’t, someone else will and where will that leave me?  Most issues that are facing the US is a culmination of that problem.  Environmental issues, the collapse of the mortgage/banking system and the health care debacle are all cases of people in charge focusing on the short term and trying to rig the system for their own interests.  Everyone is out there doing the same thing.  Why should I work hard, play by the rules and focus on sustainable long term goals when everyone else is cheating and no one seems to really care?  This is only exacerbated in oligopolies like the government and corporate America where a few key people have control over the destinies of millions.  When I screw someone over on a deal at work it only effects a few people.  When a senator or a CEO is selfish or not working for the good of the community at large it can have a terrible effect.

This sense of entitlement and short sightedness has spilled over into the world of entertainment.  Reality stars surface, skyrocket to popularity and plummet back to anonymity while the public clamors for news about people that are in the public eye not because they are talented but rather because they are aberrations from the norm.  I seldom watch these shows but when I do I watch them for the “train wreck” factor.  Really it is just me revel is other’s misfortune and idiocy.  Is that what our society has come too?  Seeing talentless idiots like “Snookie” is a cheap thrill and diminishes the collective intelligence of everyone involved.  Instead of talking with a friend, listening to some good music or reading a book people get sucked in to watching complete morons make asses of themselves on TV.

In addition to the worship of shallow idiots modern entertainment zealously feasts on the poor decisions of the talented (or at least semi-talented) people.  When someone like Tiger Woods, Michael Jackson or celebrity du jour X       fall, they fall hard.  To the glee of the media and its ravenous consumers the dirt of the fallen is paraded around until they are dropped to the level of the reader.  Only then is the public satisfied, craving the decimation of public, talented people to temper their jealousy and make them feel more important.  It always gets me when people demand an apology from a celebrity for some public gaffe.  Why does anyone give a shit if a celebrity is sorry for what they did?  I certainly couldn’t give a fuck.  It is all part of people’s self importance and the only thing the public likes to see more than no name reality show idiots rise and flame out is talented people crash disastrously.

I think at the core people are good.  Society and the environment are constantly taking that core and shaping it into what we really are at that moment – in the case of most Americans that core has been changed into a narcissistic, lazy conniving shadow of what it could be.

There is some good left though.  How can we change our current trajectory?  Damned if I know but we can’t change anything about what we are until we take a step back and realize there is a problem.  Only then can we move away from a hard fall for our own country punctuated by fingerpointing and apathy.

Geez – I guess Mondays suck… what do you think?  Is there a silver lining somewhere that I can’t see?

I have already blogged about how Tiger could have avoided all of his troubles by adhering to a few simple rules.  It is too late for Tiger though, he has already shit his bed and now he has to wallow in it… or does he?  It looks pretty bad for him – his wife isn’t wearing her wedding ring, his sponsors are dropping him faster than Sammi Sweetheart dropped “The Situation” and each day it looks like  a new skank is coming forward to say that Tiger took her out for a round on her “back nine”.  It is an absolute media feeding frenzy that is probably slowly destroying his sanity – he is scrambling to save his sponsors, his career and his marriage.  My advice, Mr. Woods, is to let it all go – let it burn to the ground – and rise again out of the ashes of your former life as a new man to be know simply as… “T-Dub”.

Becoming T-Dub is not only a good option – it may be the only option.  If Tiger decides to try to win Elin back he is in for a heap of aggravation.  This next 1-2 years will be a constant stream of apologies and tucking his tail between his legs trying to get things back to the way they were.  She will outwardly hate him for a minimum of 5 years (and passive aggressively hate him forever) – after that he will be on one of the shortest leashes in the history of short leashes.  Everyone will have an eye on Tiger and if there is a hint of trouble he will be back under the microscope.  Then, if he decides to take another trip into whoreville and gets busted he is totally hosed – forgiving a guy once is understandable but twice for the same offense and people would be even more merciless than they are now.  This was obviously not an isolated incident – he either doesn’t want to be with his wife or he just needs other women in his life.  Instead of fighting the temptation embrace it.  If you lose some sponsors in the process that’s OK – you have more money than god anyways.

I envision Tiger’s new personae as the ringleader of a Rat Pack for the 2010′s.  He can be the new face of the night life in Vegas instead of the poster boy for how NOT to cheat on your wife.  Goodbye dockers and sensible polo’s – hello trendy jeans and a bad attitude.  Imagine if Tiger assembled a crew of other power bachelors that cruised around Vegas and other party spots like Sinatra and his posse did back in the day… tell me you would not be interested to hear about their latest adventures.  A sampling of Tiger’s potential crew and each person’s role: MJ (Aging Manther), Clooney (Hollywood Hookup), Chapelle (New York Connection) and Jon Daly (Wildcard).  T-Dub could take a few weekends a year to wreck other golfers on the PGA tour and keep up his rep as a dominant athlete then cruise down to South Beach and blow it out on Diddy’s yacht – then wash the stripper’s glitter off of and spend a week with his kids at home – everyone is a winner.

As for his sponsors – T-Dub need not worry.  Cadillac, Accenture and Gilette can all be replaced with more T-Dub friendly brands like Axe Body Spray, Bacardi and Trojan.  Problem solved.  Who cares if you make a fraction of the endorsement cash – at least you won’t have to spend the rest of your existence with your head hung low searching for absolution from your sins that you won’t receive from either the public nor your wife.  Seeing such a dominant sports figure be such a pussy is depressing – and it doesn’t (and didn’t) have to be like this.

This is really what Tiger SHOULD have done in the first place and probably the reason for his dalliances.  Elin was probably his first REAL relationship in his life and he got sucked into it like everyone does.  Tiger’s timing was just off – for everyone else that bubblegum romance happens in High School or College when marriage is not even an option for most sane people – however, Tiger was too busy being the best golfer in the world to enjoy single life like he should have.  Tiger had his “teenage” romance in his late 20′s and decided to pull the trigger on marriage which is a bad idea if you still want to fuck any blond with a pulse.  I would be miserable too if I married my girlfriend from college and I probably would have if that had been an option for me.

Alas this will never happen and Tiger will go through the near future not golfing, being hated by all women for cheating and getting his ass handed to him by his wife on a daily basis to try to rebuild his shattered relationship.  It doesn’t have to be this way though…

What do you think?

No stolen base in sight

Free taco dreams over