If I told you that I was going to race a hamster and a gerbil you would think that I was insane and you would be uninterested in the outcome.  If I told you that you could win $100 bucks if the hamster won and only risk $10 I would probably have your attention.  That’s why gambling is popular, by wagering a few bucks on something it can turn the mundane into the exciting.

We should have the ability to gamble on EVERYTHING.  I have a running “marker” (a running total that a friend and I bet against and pay out at the end of the year in Vegas) with one of my buddies and with a few “marker” dollars we can change boring situations into something far more interesting.   For example, one of our friends bought a bike at a garage sale with the idea that she would get in shape by riding this bike all around town.  Knowing my friend’s aversion of physical fitness I set the over/under on the number of times that she would ride the bike that year at 1.5.  My buddy bet the “over” (so his bet signified that she would be riding her bike two times or more).  Anytime she headed into the garage we both held our breaths wondering if she would dust the cobwebs off and take her new purchase out for a spin.  In the end she NEVER rode that bike and I won $20 bucks.  In my opinion risking the loss of $20 for the benefit of being genuinely excited about somebody walking into a garage is well worth it.  Anything and everything can be bet on and made more fun.

Everyone should have a friend to place bets with based on all of the mundane details of your life and the lives of the people in your social circles.  Imagine if you could place a wager on something like this:

Jim will still be dating Ellen by the end of the year.
No +500
Yes -800

For those not up to speed on gambling lingo this says that if you bet $100 dollars on “No” and our fictitious Jim and Ellen break up then you win $500 bucks. If you had that much riding on your friends relationship wouldn’t it would create a whole new interest level when Ellen starts complaining about Jim?  You would be hanging on her every word instead of wishing for death or just zoning out of the conversation.  Everyone would be a winner, your friends would appreciate the genuine interest in their lives and you could potentially be $500 bucks richer.  This also would make work more interesting:

Over/Under on the number of guys the office skank fucks – 2.5

This bet would turn company gatherings and after work happy hours into edge of your seat type events.  The minute that you see Sally (the office skank) from accounting have her third dirty martini and approach the creepy guy from shipping you would be enthralled.  Not only would you have a legitimate interest in them fucking but you would be crestfallen if she just decided to blow him in the men’s room.

Since I can’t be the personal bookie for everyone someone in your friend group needs to take the reigns and start posting odds.  C’mon, sounds fun, right?  Are there any other “life gamblers” out there with their own personal bookies, or I am the only crazy one?

I am so happy to be living in the era that I exist in right now but there are things about the mechanisms and customs of life that seem to be built solely to piss me off.  I have been accused of being a procrastinator or lazy because I don’t want to get my dry cleaning, buy stuff for the house or change my cable service.  Part of it is laziness but the main reason that I don’t get this stuff taken care of it is because these activities physically pain me.  Talking to the douche-bag at Blockbuster explaining about a DVD they are mysteriously charging to my credit card for or discussing how exactly your reservation at the Luxor was completely fucked tend to be excruciating.  How painful are they though?

I really think there should be a rating system involved that everyone can agree upon and refer to before they start to do something  just to see if they should even bother.  That way you can look how much time and aggravation you are going to feel and determine if you want to piss away your time.  If you were going to try to switch phone carriers to save 10 bucks a month, you may think that would be a good idea.  However if you say that that activity had an Aggravation Index (AI) of 58% you may just say fuck that, Sprint sucks, but I’m not going to deal with the bullshit that a 58% would subject you to, right?  Before actually defining the scale I think it would be helpful to determine the criteria that one uses to determine an activities AI.  We can start the scale at 1%  (getting up off the couch to grab the remote for the TV) and 100% (chemotherapy) but there is plenty of ground in the middle to cover.  What questions would need to be answered to come up with the magic AI number?

1. How long from start to finish will the activity take?
2. How many people will I need to talk to get the activity completed?  Who are the people that I will need to get involved in order to get this done?
3. Will you contemplate suicide or murder at any time during the process?
4. Can you complete the activity in your underpants?  Do you need to leave the house?
5. Add 10 points automatically if you ever say “Can I talk with your manager?”
6. For every 10 minutes of hold time add 5 points.
7. Every time you grit your teeth or swear under your breath is another point.

OK – now that that is taken care of lets go through a few scenarios:

Scenario 1 – Returning something at Best Buy 21%

This can take anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour depending on the line and exactly what you are looking to return.  There are plenty of salespeople milling around the cell phone section playing grab-ass but there is always only one person working the Customer Service counter and it just happens to be the fat chick with a perma-scowl on her face.  If you do not have a receipt you can tune this rating up about 10 points, if it is the day after Christmas add 10 more and come down to San Diego so I can kick you in your junk because no one should be stupid enough to return anything any sooner than a week after Christmas.

Scenario 2 - Completing any task with the Department of Motor Vehicles 64%

Not enough can be said about the sadistic motherfucker who came up with the DMV.  The hiring manager apparently only looks for candidates that fall into the category of lazy, surly, hostile or all of the above.  They will let you take a number and sit on a filthy plastic chair next to a guy (who you swear was just holding up a cardboard sign at the intersection outside) for hours upon end before telling you that they can’t help because of a technicality in your paperwork.  They actually take pleasure in shooting you down and sending you packing.  They are kings/queens of their tiny license renewal fiefdom and they wield their power with an iron fist.

Scenario 3 – Moving 72%

I have not had to move in a while but I will be finding a new place shortly and I am dreading it.  I have specifically tried to limit the amount of things that I accumulate for the sole purpose of not having to move it whenever I need to relocate.  If you don’t use a moving service you need to practically blow your friends to get them to help.  When they are carelessly throwing your gear around (because it is yours not theirs, they really don’t give a shit) you can’t yell at them because they are helping you out.  I feel sorry for anyone that buys a pick-up truck.  To me that is just punching a ticket to have everyone ask you to help them move.  No thanks.

Scenario 4 – Getting a new job 84%

Moving trumps this scenario on a physical level but looking for and getting a new job sucks mentally.  The whole process is bullshit.  Resume – lies and bullshit.  Job descriptions and recruiters – lies and bullshit.  Interviewing – lies and bullshit.  Speaking of interviewing – I always wonder how asking questions to a candidate really uncovers anything about how someone will operate in a work environment.  It is so unnatural and never is a really good gauge of work proficiency, it is no wonder why most HR departments have such a hard time hiring and end up with people who should really be drooling in the back seat of a short bus.  Bottom line: all of this BS piles up to a pretty impressive AI.

This is just a rough guide, it definitely needs some help… are there any more scenarios that you can think of?