Having a ton of time to burn and a near endless library of movies gave me the ability to attend to one of my secret vices, shitty movies.  I love them, sometimes even more than great movies.  There is something about seeing something that sucks and ripping it apart.  It is like that “friend” everyone has who is the butt of all the group’s jokes (wait… you don’t have a friend like that in your group?  You wouldn’t treat any of your friends that way, right?  I hate to break it to you in blog form, but YOU are that “friend”).  Shitty movies are a great way to laugh at someone’s hard work and wonder why they ever wasted their time and creative energy on a monumental peice of shit.

The steaming pile of directorial feces that I subjected myself to as I was confined to my couch was “Wickerman” starring Nicolas Cage (definitely a Type 4 on the Bristol Stool Chart) .  Sweet Jesus, this movie was so randomly shitawesome (new word, I kind of like it.)  He punches women, accosts bicyclists with handguns, chases people in a bear suit and gets bees poured on his head (not kidding).  The dialog is meandering and inartful, the narrative is plodding and at no point should this movie have been released as a serious endeavor.  In a word, it was GLORIOUS.  I cannot recommend this movie enough, it needs to be seen to completion to really soak up the crappiness but here is a little taste:

 ”Not the bees, not the bees… aaaaaauuuggghhhhhhh!”  Fuck me, that is awesome…

The book is obviously well written and Oscar Wilde must have been an interesting cat because some of the lines form the book are so insightful even to someone living in 2011.  Most of the interesting dialog is spoken by Lord Henry, one of Dorian’s older admirers, who is the devil on Dorian’s shoulder, equipping him with the rhetoric that allows him to act out in the way that he does with self-moralizing impunity.  Throughout the novel Lord Henry delivers some spectacular one-liners like:

Men marry because they are tired: women marry because they are curious, both are disappointed.

or

The reason we all like to think so well of others is that we are all afraid for ourselves. The basis of optimism is sheer terror.

Fucking brilliant, and he keeps them coming throughout the novel.  A lot of what Lord Henry said and what Dorian does was probably considered deviant and horrible based on the public standards of 1800′s England.  Many of the book reviews of the time refer to “The Picture of Dorian Gray” as “poisonous” and that it contained “moral and spiritual putrification”.  The critics could not see past the aberrant behaviours of the characters to see the larger themes that the book contains.  This well crafted, thoughtful novel was simply tossed aside by many due to the content that could potentially be seen as off-putting or amoral.

This brings me back to the point that I brought up at the outset of the post of coincidentally seeing recurring themes in other forms of media.  As I was reading this novel I stumbled across “Irreversible” on my Netflix cue and decided to check it out.  This movie has a reputation for being pretty rough (rough, as-in a couple hundred people walked out of its screening at Cannes).  It is a French film shot “Memento-style” (the movie starts at the end and moves backwards in segments).

 Ho-ly-shit, it certainly lives up to its billing.  The first few minutes contain a vomit inducing camera spin and a certain sound frequency that is known to make people nauseous (I read about this after I watched the movie).  The director, Gaspar Noe, literally is attempting to make the viewer physically sick.  It is for good reason though as the characters are in a world of shit.  The first 20 minute segment of the movie (the end of the movie chronologically) is set in a hardcore gay club and climaxes with one of the main characters bashing another guy’s head in with a fire extinguisher.  “Irreversible” slowly pulls itself out of the terrifying abyss of its “ending” to reveal the characters motivations as well as some interesting perspectives on relationships, sex and life choices in general is it works backwards.

As the movie progressed the viewer starts to understand what is driving the characters and eventually has a happy “ending” (the beginning chronologically).  There are parts of the movie that are literally difficult to sit through (yes, there is a scene more disturbing that the start of the movie – I won’t spoil it though, in case you want to check it out, which I highly recommend if you are not squeamish).  I finished it, and I was glad I did, because I really witnessed a piece of art.  Even after the movie was over I thought about it and came back to one of the movie’s opening lines, spoken by a broken, half-naked, old French man: “Time destroys all things.”  Irreversible has a similar theme to “The Picture of Dorian Gray” as well as a disguted response from the critics.

I went on rotten tomatoes and saw the reviews much of which were positive, and anyone that had a negative review talks about the brutal content and fails to mention the artistry of the director or the compelling storyline.  I find it very unfortunate that many things in our society get dismissed out of hand for being different or challenging prevailing viewpoints.  “The Picture of Dorian Gray” and “Irreversible” are just two examples of this occurring, but it happens all the time.  The critics of the time failed to recognize a great piece of art when Oscar Wilde published his novel in 1891 and many people today miss amazing contributions to literature, music and film solely from the idea that art can be “poisonous”.  Art itself is nothing but a vehicle to elicit a response from its audience, I think that some of the readers and viewers are unhappy with their own response so they castigate the art itself, rather than turning the mirror on themselves and understanding why they are reacting the way that they do.

A great shot from "Irreversible"... what happens directly after this shot may not be suitable for all viewers...

If I am looking to buy a book, rent a movie, or watch a TV show there is one subject that I will choose over anything else – the apocalypse.  From your standard 99.99% deadly virus to a global infestation of zombies to a nuclear holocaust I love me some world destruction.  Basically they are all the same premise:

• The protagonist gets thrown into a chaotic situation and the standard rules of the world are thrown out of the window as they stumble blindly around familiar environments that are made unfamiliar by their new scenario’s “rules”.
• The confusion and loneliness of their situation slowly worn away by finding others or learning why or how they ended up in their current situation.
• At the peak of their self-realization a plan is made to solve their problem or relocate to a realm of safety.
• Battles are won and lost, more people die and they arrive to a solution or a place of perceived safety only to yield more uncertainty.
• The credits roll and the audience is unsatisfied.

There are a few things here that are worth exploring:

The reasons why these types of movies are compelling are due to the possibilities that the post apocalyptic world offers.  The rules and limitations of the old world are wiped away and the characters are left to pursue their desires in a way that the pre-apocalypse world never could.  Who wouldn’t want to shank golf balls into Manhattan, man a sniper rifle from the top of a mall or beat-off on home plate in Yankee Stadium (points for you if you know what stories each of those scenes are from)?  The aggravations of modern life can be shed and a new existence can be created somewhere in between modern man and prehistoric man.  Toiling away in an office in 2009 AD or scrounging for food in 5000 BC - no thanks.  Toting a high powered rifle while stalking a herd of deer in downtown Chicago - yes, please!

Watching these movies or reading these books makes me so jealous of the people running around living their lives without any of the restrictions associated with modern day responsibilities.  In all reality though I know it would suck.  I am not equipped to operate in an environment similar to what is portrayed in”The Walking Dead”.  I like electricity, uninterrupted sleep and not fearing for my life enough not to really want to live in the aftermath of the apocalypse.   I have only shot a gun once, I could not kill and butcher an animal to eat, and I certainly would not do well in a bare knuckle brawl with a blood thirsty zombie.  Add that to the fact that everyone I know would be gone and I would have to live inside my own thoughts.  It would be like being stoned all the time… I would freak the fuck out.  If I were living in a post-viral apocalypse I would be shitting my pants any time I had a sore throat , crushing up Airborne and snorting it just to be safe.

The possibilities though, fucking-A, the possibilities - no more cubicles, no more mortgage payments, free reign over everything.   Also, there always seems to be hot chicks strewn about the shattered landscape wearing wet white tee shirts the day that the world ended that I know I would be running into.  It is weird how that happens.  Bottom line is that I know I would be ill-equipped to live that life but sometimes anything is better than sitting in my office dying a slow sedentary death instead of getting shit on from above by an advanced race of alien invaders.  Modern life isn’t so bad though… I guess I am getting paid to blog right now.

As for the final stage of these tales of destruction there is always a feeling of dissatisfaction as these movies end.  There is no good way to wrap them up without being too cheesy (Day After Tomorrow), too depressing (28 Days Later) or just fucking lame (The Happening).  “The Walking Dead” has really taken the best approach to fix the problem with this genre of movie by simply never ending.  In an interview, the write of “The Walking Dead” series, Robert Kirkman explains that he does not see an end in sight for this comic book series which lets him explore this subject with a clarity that no one else has been able to.  A TV show is scheduled to be released in the near future based on this comic which would be amazing.

For now my daydreams of riding a motorcycle cross country through the littered debris of car wrecks and the remnants of a society that has faded will stay on the page or on the screen but who knows what the future holds.  So without further ado I present the first installment of Top Nine Friday with:

Top Nine Apocalypse Stories

1. The Road (Book) – an simply written book that serves as a vehicle to illustrate the weakness of human nature and the fragility of the bonds between people.
2. The Walking Dead (Comic Book) – a “never ending” comic series that is well illustrated and written – I am hooked.
3. Fallout (Video Game) – game I used to play back in the day – funny take on the apocalypse in a choose your own adventure style.
4. Night of the Living Dead (Movie) – classic.
5. The Stand (Book) – I read this when I was a kid over a summer break because I liked the cover and it started me on my appreciation for this type of story.
6. War of the Worlds (Book) – one of the most enduring apocalypse stories and one of the first sci-fi books ever.
7. 12 Monkeys (Movie) – best ending for an apocalypse movie – it still freaks me out that Bruce Willis’s character’s life is a loop – I think… right?
8. Red Dawn (Movie) - barely qualifies as an apocalypse movie but I still remember these douche-bags that I painted houses with in college “hoping” World War 3 happened so they could take up arms and call themselves the “Wolverines”.
9. Shaun of the Dead (Movie) – funniest apocalypse movie to date.