The Monday Rotation: Wickerman
Last weekend was a complete write off. I felt like shit since Friday afternoon and spent most of the weekend in the fetal position on the couch wondering why I take my health for granted and lamenting every minute that I did not feel well. However, in between being a pussy and feeling sorry for myself I did get some quality TV time with a pirated streaming site.
Having a ton of time to burn and a near endless library of movies gave me the ability to attend to one of my secret vices, shitty movies. I love them, sometimes even more than great movies. There is something about seeing something that sucks and ripping it apart. It is like that “friend” everyone has who is the butt of all the group’s jokes (wait… you don’t have a friend like that in your group? You wouldn’t treat any of your friends that way, right? I hate to break it to you in blog form, but YOU are that “friend”). Shitty movies are a great way to laugh at someone’s hard work and wonder why they ever wasted their time and creative energy on a monumental peice of shit.
The steaming pile of directorial feces that I subjected myself to as I was confined to my couch was “Wickerman” starring Nicolas Cage (definitely a Type 4 on the Bristol Stool Chart) . Sweet Jesus, this movie was so randomly shitawesome (new word, I kind of like it.) He punches women, accosts bicyclists with handguns, chases people in a bear suit and gets bees poured on his head (not kidding). The dialog is meandering and inartful, the narrative is plodding and at no point should this movie have been released as a serious endeavor. In a word, it was GLORIOUS. I cannot recommend this movie enough, it needs to be seen to completion to really soak up the crappiness but here is a little taste:
”Not the bees, not the bees… aaaaaauuuggghhhhhhh!” Fuck me, that is awesome…