Costco (rrrrrr)
When I first moved to Sydney I could not tell the difference between a English accent and an Australian accent. Since then I have become a bit better at telling them apart and it has mostly to do with the way an “o” is pronounced when it is at the end of a word. They elongate it somehow by adding an “r” sound. It is almost impossible for me to do without sounding retarded but they seem to pull it off. It is especially conspicuous when the word “no” turning into “no (rrrrr)”. It has taken a while for me to get used to and every time they say it I notice it and the pronunciation throws me off a bit.
So that brings me to the title of this post – I went to Costco (rrrrr) last weekend. I received a text from one of my American buddies on Saturday: “Costco – you wanna go?” I did not need anything from Costco nor do I have any place to put an 8 gallon drum of olive oil in my apartment but I wasn’t doing anything and I was curious about something so American transplanted to Sydney. If they could not even say Costco correctly, how could they possibly run the store? I needed to check it out, if only as a social observation activity (I love me some people watching). Anyways, he and his girlfriend picked me up from my house and we took off. A trip that should have taken 20 minutes turned into a 90 minute road trip in bumper to bumper traffic. I had no idea that you could set a GPS system to route you through every congested piece of Australian roadway but apparently we did. My lanky ass was in the back seat performing some sweet yoga contortions trying to get comfortable, to no avail. At last I saw the shining beacon of the Costco sign and thought my backseat pain was over. I was wrong.
Thus began the odyssey of finding parking in a woefully small lot filled with Asians behind the wheel and pushing around carts (deadly combination). It was beyond brutal. Inside our car there was complaining… and swearing… and racism… until we finally found a spot – 20 minutes later. I was spent already and I knew that I would never come back to Costco. Frankly, I didn’t even want to go in, then I saw a 350lb woman with her cart full of assorted artery clogging foods and a 90 pack of toilet paper and I knew that I needed to forge ahead.
On the ground floor, near the entrance from the parking garage was the customer service area which looked like a refugee camp, crammed with aggravated people waiting in line behind a makeshift chicken wire fence. It reminded me of the gas lines that I have seen in documentaries from the 70′s.
We quickly passed that scene and went up a ramp to the store upstairs. I finally walked into the main lobby area. One word - clusterfuck.
So. many. people. consuming.
I have been to Costco before but never to one this crowded. I felt like I could get agoraphobia and claustrophobia all in one place. After walking around for a bit I realized everything was the same as the US. There were the couples arguing about what ridiculously large quantity of this or that they should buy. There was the tired, overweight, angry mom with her gaggle of kids buzzing around her like dimmed insect zapper. It was all there, Costco had been able to export over-consumption to Australia. I walked around and gathered the few things that I wanted (all American items that I haven’t been able to find in local stores – bagels, mayo, and shredded American cheese) and became a little depressed. This was all of the worst stuff about America, and were the things that most Australians rip on me for yet here was a monument to capitalism and mass consumption in their own country.
I met back up with my friend and his cart overflowing with $700 dollars worth of this and that to stand in the longest line I have ever been in outside of Six Flags Great America. We finally exited and I realized that no matter where we were, some things never change.
We were starving and there was no question that we were going to eat ourselves retarded. I was not disappointed, the standard hotdog and cheese pizza tasted EXACTLY the same as it does in the US. I finished the last bit of my pizza, saw the sun setting amongst the rest of the outlet malls that dotted the road away from Costco and thought to myself that this kind of living can’t sustain itself. Corporations have exported this lifestyle overseas to “enrich” local populations across the world but unfortunately everyone in the world cannot binge, purge and waste as Americans. We are coming to the end of an era of American domination and over-consumption in general. The environment, lack of energy resources and overpopulation all prohibit this being a viable option for too much longer.
As the sun winked behind one of the golden arches of the McDonald’s sign down the road we grabbed our cart and headed to thec car. I will never go back to that Costco and I wonder how long such things will exist?
I remember trying a “meat pie” when I was in Melbourne.
never. again.
But I’m glad to know they have that nasty chicken bake too.
Oh Costco.
And believe me, there is only one Costco in Chicago and it is more crowded than that.
@Hails – I have to disagree with you on the pies. They have become a afterbar favorite for me, if you ever get back to Australia check out a restuarant called “Pie Face”, they are all over Sydney – you can’t go wrong.
This post gave me a huge erection.
There is such a thing as shredded American cheese? Why?
Also, why do the Aussies hate the Jews? No bagels? That’s just mean.