Abandon all hope ye who enter here
So… KS and I have been thinking about a collaborating on a project for a while now. You may remember KS from her last post here. After many back and forth conversations through email we finally settled on something that we could both get a little mileage out of: taking advice columns from religious websites and giving our own “secular” responses to their problems. I sat through my share of religion classes and pointless homilies in my day. Its time to turn the tables on my religious brethren. Advice from religious people gets far too much weight in my estimation. How can a celibate priest give marriage tips? When is it a good idea to get relationship advice from a guy who never gets laid? We decided to embark on this potentially god angering project a few weeks ago and have both been doing research ever since. Well, actually, by “doing research” I mean procrastinating, drinking heavily and looking at internet porn. Even though we have not actually done any actual writing on the topic we have both stumbled onto some things that were pretty hilarious in their own regard. Here are few of the interesting nuggets (by the way, if you are easily offended by comments about religion you may not want to scroll down, and now that I think about it you should not have just read the last paragraph… my bad):
Oh sweet irony. I love fact that BJ’s and prayer require the same position. I thought it was straight missionary for Christians? The only thing I would add is: “Second, maybe thrown in a “reverse cowgirl” or the “Eiffel tower” just to spice things up”. Only someone completely blind to the sexual connotations of being on ones knees could be serious about this banner ad, especially since the chick in the ad looks like she is about to receive a little of “the lord’s blessing” all over her face. Lastly, I hate the authors of that book and anyone who has bought it not intended as a gag gift. “Praying for your Future Husband” – I picture the newly-wed bride placing her copy on the shelf in her trailer home next to a couple “Larry the Cable Guy” DVD’s once she has achieved marital bliss…. good times.
How about this one:
KS sent me this with the caption: That chick is done for. I really could not put it any better myself. “Pur4life” really needs to heed the advice of the BJ banner ad. A frumpily dressed, self involved prude better give fantastic head otherwise she may be in for some disappointments in the dating world. I still don’t get the part where god gives a shit about who or what someone does with their genitals. I guess that is one of my central problems with religion, it is pure narcissism. If there happens to be a supreme being, why the fuck would this omnipotent creature care about what I do with my life? Anyone who thinks that god is their own personal god a a bit too egotistical for my liking. Furthermore, is there a part of Golden rule that says a chick can’t at least give a guy a handie after a few dates? Treat others as you would like to be treated, right? Thats why I have never asked for a blumpkin. Don’t know what a blumpkin is? Hint #1: do not Google it if you are at work. Hint #2: it is not a mythical demon from the old testament.
I also stumbled upon this column:
I read this and was aghast, until I realized it is fake site. It is like The Onion written solely to rip on religious zealots. Funny shit.
Anyway, what was my point? Oh yeah, KS and I are going to sludge through Christian blowjob ads, 37 year old deluded virgins and fake christian dildo articles and find some real life christian advice columnists and see if we can put our deviant heads together to come up with a a different viewpoint that may not be endorsed by Sweet Little Baby Jesus. Stay tuned.
