My First Date with Rugby
I have always been into sports and moving to Sydney has given me a unique opportunity to expand my horizons into some more exotic pastimes that don’t get covered in the US. I have seen cricket a few times at the bar and tried on several occasions to watch for longer than a few minutes. It is pretty much impossible for me to follow it. Cricket is baffling and brutally boring. Like coffee, tequila and anal sex, I am sure it is an acquired taste but I have no intention of acquiring it. The SHORT matches last around 8 hours and the long matches can go for 5 days. Fuck that. I wouldn’t spend 5 days watching a live feed of a dozen lipstick lesbians at lube factory and I defintely wouldn’t spend those 5 days watching some guys in white linens prancing around a cricket pitch. In short, cricket is not for me. Soccer isn’t exotic enough and it kind of sucks so my last option is rugby. Last night I watched a complete rugby game for the first time all the way through. It was actually pretty entertaining once I started understanding the rules and near the end I was definitely getting into it. Here is a running diary of the action:
7:42 PM
We are live from ANZ Stadium near Sydney to bring you game 2 of “The State of Origin” series between New South Wales and Queensland. One of my Aussie friends was explaining the background of this series as a running blood feud between the 2 regions that is usually one of the most hotly contested and violent series of the year. It would be like having a uber comeptitive all-star game in the middle of the NFL season and the players played for their hometowns. It pits teammates vs each other and smashing someone in the face is acceptable and encouraged. A few weeks ago game one of “The State of Origin” featured a fistfight at midfield and many blood soaked jerseys. Color me intrigued.
7:55 PM
At least one thing is the same the world over. A pregame conversation between a bunch of idiot commentators laughing at their own jokes. One guy is looked like the lovechild of Terry Bradshaw and “Thing” from the Munsters. I picture Powder being his only son.
8:05 PM
A rendition of the Australian national anthem sounds pretty ridiculous (almost like a discarded melody from the creators of “We are the World”… I picture Dan Akroyd and Michael Jackson collaborating on this in 1982 and am sad for Australia). It makes me glad that the US anthem is pretty solid.
8:12 PM NSW 0 – QLD 0
Game on! The ball is kicked away and there is a lot of lateraling and slamming of bodies. Apparently there are 6 downs and you need to kick on the last one or it is a turnover. A down consists of stopping forward progress as well as laying on/punching/spiking/kneeing/elbowing your opponent until he starts doing a kind of “centipede” style break dance move to get the defender off and the play is reset with more lateraling. Within the first few minutes of action one of the NSW forwards has a gaping wound near his orbital bone and he is quickly wrapped up with a headband karate-kid style and marches right back out into the field. When someone gets hurt the medical staff goes onto the field while they are still playing as long as it does not interfere with the action. I love this. It is almost like ‘Nam, continuing the action while your buddy is getting put back together.
8:25 PM NSW 0 – QLD 2
A penalty is called and I am confused. Every other time a defender was manhandling the offensive carrier and trying to break his nose it was fine, this time there is a penalty and they kick a 2 point drop kick field goal.
8:27 PM NSW 0 – QLD 8
I am starting to get a feel for how the game works and am getting into it. I feel the momentum shifting to NSW as they are winning the field position battle down the field. Then QLD commits a penalty and NSW elects to kick a penalty ball instead of going for the try (a try is like a touchdown, 6 points, the penalty kick is worth 2). He promptly mucks the kick off the goalpost and QLD rams it down their throat for a try the other way.
8:57 PM NSW 6 – QLD 8 – HALFTIME
NSW punches one in right before the half and after understanding the rules I already hate the QLD squad. they have this scummy euro-type guy in a helmet that looks like a swim cap who I would like to see smeared across the field by one of the NSW bruisers. 2 things from halftime:
1 – The commercials in Australia are much more risque than the US. One beer commercial implied that someone was fucking another guy’s mom complete with the guy slapping some cougar looking lady’s ass at the end of the scene. Keep it classy Australia.
2 – I never know how much gambling went on here. It is EVERYWHERE. There is a casino in downtown Sydney, slot machines in every pub and TAB parlors (for sports and horse gambling) in every neighborhood. At halftime some skeezy looking Australian guy was giving out the halftime spreads and urging people to log in to gamble on the game. Fucking awesome! There is no reason gambling should not be integrated into American sports in the same fashion. One of the rugby venues is actually called Centrebet Stadium. Australia, I think I love you.
9:15 PM NSW 12 – QLD 8
In the first “WOW” moment of the game happens as William Hopoate, the youngest member of the NSW squad, speeds around the corner and sneaks in a try to the corner of the end zone. Impressive.
At this point of the night one of my friends came over as we had dinner plans but she was into the game as well so we watched until the end. She was also able to explain a few more things that I could not figure out like: What don’t they try to strip the ball? (because it is illegal unless it is a 1-on-1 tackle) and: What is “knock-on”? (it is when an offensive player fumbles the ball forward, which results in a turnover). She was explained the other rugby leagues that go on in Australia:
National Rugby League (what I was watching) – Is a sport played by a bunch off ass-necked meat-heads who enjoy slamming into each other. It is kind of a grind and field position is very important. It reminds me of watching NFL running plays or option sets in NCAA football. This is the most popular form of rugby in Sydney.
Australian Rules Football - This is like a cross between soccer and rugby. There is a lot of kicking and no tackling. I have seen this in the bar a few times and been totally baffled by the rules. My friend described this as “poofter rugby” and then went on to say that I would probably be good at it since I as tall. Thanks… I think. This is the most popular form of rugby in Melbourne.
Rugby Union - She explained this to me but by this point I was pretty rugby-d out. Apparently no one really watches to much of this. So there’s that.
9:25 PM NSW 18 – QLD 8
NSW punches in one last try and puts the game away. Good times. The crowd goes crazy and the team goes back into the locker room to determine how much blood was lost. Well, all in all, it was a great first date with Rugby… I think this may be the start of a long term relationship.
