Crappiest. Post. Ever.
I made a huge discovery today. It is something that I know should exist but I had no idea that it ACTUALLY existed. I present to you the Bristol Stool Chart:
Wow. This is truly everything that I had imagined a stool chart could be… and so much more. No longer will I look down at the toilet wondering about the classification of my poop, as that groundwork has already been set for me. It seems like type 4 is where you want to be and as you move down or up you get out of the “Goldilocks zone”. I know it is gross but I cannot help but laugh when I first saw this. Someone has really put some thought into their poop. The metaphors are great and it really looks like whoever made this up had something against sausage, and maybe snakes.
After getting past my initial amusement with this chart it has inspired me. I have already confessed my love of lists and rating things and this is a perfect way to go beyond the poop and rate the shittiness of many different things. The way this system is set up lends itself very well to the nature of something that is “shitty”. Sometimes something is so shitty it is good and when you really dig down it could be considered a success (Type 4). On the other hand, something can be an absolute mess in every respect, basically a disaster of epic proportions (Type 7). Lastly on the other end of the scale are those things or situations that are painful to deal with or hard to watch (Type 1). Confused yet? Yes? Good. In essence the scale goes from 1 (painfully shitty) to 1 (absolute shit-show). Some examples would probably help clear this shit up.
Ultraparadoxical Bristol Stool Chart Reinterpretation
Type 1 – “Separate hard lumps, like nuts (hard to pass)”
- Lung cancer
- Doing anything before 7AM that doesn’t involve mimosas or bloody mary’s
- Finding out your only son is a serial killer
- “Top Gun”
- Writing a resume
- The Olive Garden
Type 2 – “Sausage-shaped, but lumpy”
- Helping a someone move
- Herpes
- Summer jobs
- Calculus exams
- Lean Cuisine microwave dinners
- “Pretty Woman”
Type 3 – “Like a sausage but with cracks on the surface”
- White Castle Burgers
- Any Nicolas Cage movie from the past 10 years
- Living at home past the age of 23
- Conference calls
- Community college
- “Nightmare on Elm Street”
Type 4 – “Like a sausage or a snake, smooth and soft”
- White Castle Burgers at 2AM
- “Drag Me to Hell”
- Taco Bell
- Tequila
- The “walk of shame”
- Being a Cubs fan
Type 5 – “Soft blobs with clear cut edges”
- Cold Sores
- “Team building” exercises
- Hooking up with someone that you work with
- The “walk of shame” from a Halloween party
- Tijuana
- Lionel Richie
- Rebound relationships
Type 6- “Fluffy pieces with ragged edges, a mushy stool”
- Hooking up with a friend’s ex
- The Ron Artest melee
- Wet Willies
- Doing coke
- “The Jersey Shore”
Type 7- “Watery, no solid pieces Entirely liquid”
- Japanese earthquake/tsunami/nuclear disaster
- Icehouse beer
- Unknowingly hooking up with a tranny
- “The Real Housewives of XXXX”
- Chantix
- Applebees
Looking back on my reinterpretation it is pretty safe to say that I will not be having any sausage for a while. I think that is a pretty comprehensive list… do you have any additions that I missed?
