L to the F to the L
Do Boobs + Football + ?????? = Profit? That’s what I wanted to find out last weekend when was invited to go to a game for San Diego’s local Lingerie Football League team, “The Seduction”, and what a glorious spectacle it was. I had no idea what to expect, would it be a group of horny middle age men looking to “pregame” before the strip club or maybe some Charger fans who smartened up and started rooting for a team that actually has a chance to win a title? It turned out to be a little of both but what I didn’t realize before I stepped in to the arena that the best part of the game wouldn’t happen until we were about to leave.
Most of my friends were meeting at the bar beforehand and took taxis to the Sports Arena but I had some things to do before the game so I had to meet them at the venue. I knew I couldn’t go in to this event stone cold sober though. We didn’t have much time until the game started so we ended up passing around a bottle of vodka in the parking lot of Ralph’s before we made our was to the game (don’t judge me, I challenge you to find a more apropos way to prepare for an LFL game than to chug strawberry vodka out of the bottle). A few swigs later we were on our way to buy tickets.
We had a mixed group of guys and girls but for the most part the crowd was mostly guys, some of which were sporting some Seduction logo apparel. At what point in life is it OK to wear fan apparel from a lingerie football league? Wearing a Seduction t-shirt would fall somewhere in between a fishnet tank-top and a Michigan Wolverines t-shirt on the “improbability-of-me-wearing-it-O-meter”. The “people watching” was excellent but at that point I was ready to get into the game, I paid 20 bucks for the ticket and walked into the arena, not knowing what to expect.
That’s actually not true. I was expecting some spindly looking women prancing around the field playing touch football not trying to break their nails. I was expecting to laugh at them the way I laugh at the WNBA. My expectations were wrong. These chicks were ass-kickers. They were still “hot” in the classical sense but some of them were built like brick shit houses. They must recruit athletes right out of college soccer and volleyball programs because pretty much every girl on the field was in better shape than I am. They ran plays, hit each other and had a fierce competitiveness and hatred for the opposing team that I have not seen since the NBA in the mid-eighties. They all wanted to win and not just that, they wanted to embarrass their opponent. Granted, I did make asshole comments like “that quarterback throws like a girl” and “they’re playing like a bunch of Nancies out there” until the girls in the group told me to shut the fuck up, but despite my comments I was genuinely impressed. This is not to say that this is going to replace the NFL anytime soon but as far as women’s sports goes this is by far the most watchable (and not just because there is a slim chance that one of their titties may pop out).
This made me think of all the possibilities if there were actually a legitimate women’s football league. For example, instead of seeing an injury report with something like this: Adrian Peterson (ankle) we could see something like this: Amber Scott (implant) or this: Sally Swanson (womb). Would every chick on the team end up syncing up menstrual cycles with the rest of their teammates? Would the gambling community be able to get that information and shift the spread a few points whenever a team had collective PMS? I need answers.
For most of the game I was near the back of the stands with my drunken friends but right before they started the second half we meandered down right near the sidelines. Little did I know that the arena was similar to Dante’s levels of hell, getting creepier and creepier as I headed nearer the field. I immediately felt gross even being around the dudes that were sitting that close to the action. There was a scumbag in a filthy Tommy Bahama t-shirt tucked into stonewashed jeans with no belt that was especially sketchy to my right. He watched the women stretch midfield with a lascivious glare that would make a pedophile blush. That wasn’t even the worst of it. To my left was a husband and wife that had taken their preteen daughters to the game. Any parent that would take their kids to one of there games should be imprisoned for child endangerment on the spot. Most of the chicks on the field are a few bad decisions away from being strippers or escorts, it probably isn’t a great idea to have your kids watch them. Just a thought.
The game ended up being a tight (haha) victory for San Diego, and as we were leaving I felt like it was a $20 well spent. I would probably never go again but it was definitely a good way to piss away a Friday night. Then it happened. I glanced to the opposite side of the arena as one of the spectators chucked something towards midfield. I squinted to see what the object was as it flipped and flopped through the air. It landed with a thud onto the LFL logo. I finally realized what it was, a huge flesh colored dildo. It was a vieny bastard too, big as a baby’s arm. I quickly alerted my friends to what was going on and we stared aghast as one of the attendants saw it and started lazily kicking it towards the opposite sideline. As he arrived near the scorer’s table he was at an impasse. He certainly didn’t want to touch this thing with his hands but he needed to get rid of it. I think he had a “eureka” moment and in one quick motion he reached down and limply tossed it at the scorekeepers who had been laughing at him while he had kicked the phallus across the field. Their smiles turned into a rictus of terror as they leaped out of the way. The guy might as well have been throwing feces at them based on how they jumped. It was a truly fantastic moment and I had the LFL and some asshole who decided it was a good idea to smuggle a fake cock into a football game to thank.
See the action for yourself if you don’t believe me. Apparently they televise the games on MTV2, check it out…
I had to grab my boobs after watching this.
I can’t imagine how many elbows they get to the boobs.
OUCH!
@Hails – Any post that results in boob grabbing is an unqualified success in my book…
This post gave me a huge erection.
Ew derowski
@Dman – “huge” is such a relative term there big guy.
@Snorebeck – yeah, right.