Why the fuck were you late?
I was just thinking that I was going to make up some lame excuse about how I was not writing a post today when really it was because I could not think of anything to write about. Writers never get enough credit for the things that they do. Actors and actresses get all of the awards for characters they play when many times the writers of the movie or TV show put them into position to succeed with the idea that they fleshed out. But I digress…. I was going to be lazy today and not put anything new up today and I started to go through excuses in my brain… then it hit me. That is the post…
Car Trouble
This one is always a winner especially when you are late for work or just don’t feel like leaving the house. It is very easy to get busted with this excuse though. It is important to pick something that A – I won’t get any follow up questions and B – Is not immediately noticeable. Tires problems, fender benders and speeding tickets are no good but alternators, dead batteries and ignition problems are money. Remember, when using this lie the problem you make up needs to be like your involvement with people on Craig’s List for “intimate encounters” – intermittent, complicated and not obviously noticeable.
Messaging Issues
“You didn’t get my text? Hmmm… that’s weird…” said with a quizzical look on your face will pretty much get anyone out of most problems. This is such bullshit but so easy to use… blame the technology and it is all good. Everyone knows texting, emails and calls are idiot-proof but everyone will still buys these excuses. I have this lie used on me all the time at work and it is infuriating. Listen, shithead, if you send an email, it will get to me. No, it wasn’t caught in my spam filter. No, my email server is not down. The problem is… YOU DIDN’T SEND IT… that’s why I didn’t get it. *sidenote* By the way – I still don’t understand how people met up when cell phones weren’t around. Even with mobile phones trying to get people together is like herding a gang of retarded 3rd graders. Could you imagine trying to meet someone at a concert without a cell phone – complete clusterfuck.
Death/Sickness
I personally shy away from using the death excuse because I don’t like the karmic implications involved in it. If I make up some bullshit about Aunt Millie being dead and one of my Aunts actually croaked it would probably be all my fault (not really, but really). Sickness on the other hand is a whole other animal. I have used that excuse many times. The common cold, hangover, syphilis, gout, spastic colon, Ebola, traveler’s diarrhea… I’ve used them all. The key is to exclude any unnecessary details and if at all possible notify your boss of your impending absence via email. Doing your best Marlon Brando impersonation over the phone never works out and at best you sound like a pathetic douche.
I’m sure that I missed some good excuses… do you have any good ones?
dear lord, I never thought about it but you are right on the money with that cell phone business. Most people I know won’t even PICK UP THE PHONE TO TALK. They will only text and that is like pulling teeth most of the time.
I once called my boss on St. Patrick’s Day with the revelation that as it turned out I was Irish, joining the parade, and not partaking in work that day.
@Janessa – I always knew you had a little Irish in you… and that was before you fucked a Leprechaun.