My hobos are getting Wet Willie’d!
I walked out of my apartment today and I was greeted with the normal cavalcade of hobos doing their various hobo things when I looked in a vacant store window and saw this:
Wet Willies: coming soon. Fuck. Me. This “bar” is in the same building as my apartment and although it is not directly under my domicile I will likely be walking by it every time I leave me place. For the entire time I have lived downtown this has been an empty commercial space that used to be called “Visions” which was one of those creepy bars that’s clientele were mostly middle eastern guys with uni brows. Now it is turning into a Chuckee-Cheese for retards, skanks and tourists. I would much rather have filthy, meth-head bums milling around the front of my pad than the people who would think that it is a good idea to grab some drinks at “Wet Willies”. This is going to be a disaster of epic proportions… why, sweet baby Jesus… why? Oh, Wet Willies let me count the ways I hate you:
The Logo
Scroll back up and take a look at it again so we are on the same page. Really? A black fucking icy drink? Who is the ad wizard who thought of that idea? It looks like a heaping cup full of dirty slush siphoned off the side of the I-90 tollway. Furthermore, the “W’s” in the name look like two pairs of droopy tits, which will likely match the physiques of the livestock that will be inhabiting this place. Then there is the tag line. That slogan reeks of lazy douchebaggery. Harvard is an institution. Marriage is an institution. Motherfucking-Wet-Goddamn-Willies is NOT AND INSTITUTION. It seems as though they are trying to relocate a Florida (America’s wang) style white trash beach party to the heart of the Gaslamp District in San Diego. The saddest thing is they will probably be successful thus lowering my faith in humanity one more rung.
The Website
Apparently I am a masochist because I Googled this place and went to their website. My worst fears were realized. After waiting 30 seconds for a shitty 1998 quality animation of a taxi clearing snow to complete (why the fuck is the taxi clearing snow????) I realized that this place is a misogynistic, alcoholic slushy shop. Basically this tells me instead of seeing harmless hobos passed out in the empty vestibule I am going to be seeing fat chicks squeezed into tube tops 2 sizes too small gyrating on the dance floor to the latest abortion of a song by Lady Gaga. Don’t forget about the creepers and bottom feeder guys that will likely enjoy this type of “institution”. I am picturing three things 1 – pencil thin 90′s beards 2 – gold neck chains 3 – Ed Hardy clothing and tank-tops or a horrifying combination of both.
1:45 AM
If this place gets popular it will be a shit show when they dump these assholes back on the street. Mixing 5 different colors of mixed fruity drinks is going to lead to one thing besides making a bad decision with the pig across the bar who had been eye fucking you over her hurricane all night. That’s right, it leads to a rainbow of vomit all over my sidewalk (thanks KD). I will be nostalgic for smelling a little bum piss on my walk to work when I am hopscotching between different shades of upchuck. Yay.
I think I just broke my own record for most profanities in a post but I am legitimately annoyed by this development. The only positive thing is that it will provide a ton of fodder for the blog and I plan to make a National Geographic style trip there to witness firsthand this doucheco-system.
I love your rant. Sort of Doug Stanhope (dougstanhope.com). We look forward to providing you with more material and perhaps having you as one of our “douche-bag” customers?
Thanks for reading Bill – I’m sure that the siren’s song (or smell) of axe body spray and imitation pineapple flavoring will be enough to lure me in for a drink. Good luck with your new location, I hope I am wrong about the clientele.
[...] visit if you can’t speak English. I can just picture some beleaguered tourist stumble into Wet Willies and get told to fuck off because the bleach blond bartender (alliteration!!) with hair extensions [...]
Well….
How has it been downstairs?
I worry about you living below Wet Willie’s.
Are you being treated well?
I enjoy your “comedicK” style and would like to buy you a drink or some sushi from across the street the next time I visit SD.
Give me a shout.
Bill D.