You can call me Ansel Adams…
I
am finally getting a camera-phone (I know, welcome to 2006, Mr. Ultraparadoxical). The corporate blackberry I had been using did not have that capability but I am getting a new one by next week. Besides the obvious bonus of being able to send pictures of my genitalia to my friends and loved ones it will take Ultraparadoxical.com to new heights of depravity/hilarity. There have been so many things I have seen that I have not been able to document because of my camera-phone deficiency. Expect great things. I hope to add to my picture stockpile and capture more sexual harassment themed Monte Carlos in the coming weeks. The possibilities are endless, but I have already missed so many photo/video opportunities including:
More psyche-outs than you can shake a stick at
I missed my opportunity as an amateur videographer when my buddy went on psyche out spree that likely will never be topped. He paraded himself down the streets of East Lansing offering high-fives to fellow drunkards and pulling it back right when they were about to connect leaving them embarrassed and angry. It sounds childish and stupid (it is) but hilarious nonetheless. It culminated in him trying to psyche out this chick and she flipped out on him and slammed him into a brick wall… good times. Seeing a 5’6” Italian guy getting physically intimidated by a 5’9” black chick is a brand of amazing that I have never seen before. This was the same tiny Guido that tried to leap through the sliding door of a minivan while it was driving down the street that same night. He has a wife and 2 kids. That’s fucked up and pretty amazing all at once.
Creepy puppet shows
Outside of the Art Museum in Chicago there was a guy crouched down in a filthy wooden box that was putting on a puppet show for the kids walking by. To really get a feel for how bizarre it was you really need a picture. Who knows what was going on on the bottom half of that box? I didn’t seem to matter much to people walking by as they stood there watching this shady character with his hands up a felt alligator’s ass. The scariest thing was that parents seemed to be cool with their children walking up to give this guy (who I guarantee is on the sexual predator database) a few bucks which he would grab with one of his dirt encrusted puppets. This is one step away from having you children run into the crackhouse to pick you up some rocks.
Rat eating a churro
I was at a house party a while back and for some reason there was a churro at said party wrapped in tinfoil. Amongst the tumult of the festivities the churro was tossed down to the alley below. A couple of minutes later we heard the scraping of tinfoil being dragged on the ground. To the delight of everyone at the party a giant rat decided to take the churro back to his lair to have his way with it. If I had a picture of a rat eating a churro I think that my life would be complete. That picture belongs on my mantle. *sidenote* The only satisfaction that I can get from writing about this is that I will be number one on Google if you type in the search term “Rat eating churro” – ain’t no mountain high enough – be proud mom, be proud. *end sidenote*
Random guy at a wedding
I went to a friend’s wedding a while back and one of the attendees was so unintentionally hilarious that I really regret I did not have a picture. He was like a cross between Andy Sipowicz and a staples employee. He was wearing a tie that was about a foot too short and busting out some dance moves circa 1978. I actually made one of my friends stand in front of him so I could pretend that I was taking a picture of her to get a shot of the guy on the dance floor. He was a specimen of being so lame that he was actually cool again. When most people enter into the lame tunnel they don’t emerge from the other side. If I am that bad ass when I am 45 I won’t even need a picture of a rodent eating a Mexican pastry to know my life is complete. Now THAT’S saying something! Do you have any good pics for me that I can include… if so send them to me at xxxxx.
My phone is not a smart phone and doesn’t even have a camera.
You win.
Actually, we are all winners – once I get some good shots of the tribal tattooed d-bags that go “clubbin” near my apartment we will all have a good laugh.
Funny thing about the foil-wrapped churro that was at the party. Derowski owed BB a churro for driving home some skank that he hooked up with while at Guidos wedding (this was over 3 yrs ago), which was more like a graduation/sleepover. BB says the debt is still not payed off, he is owed more for his “Skank removal service” than a measley foil wrapped mexican pastry. Teh comedic value of the rat dragging it accross the alley is far more than if BB acrtually ate said churro.