Things I learned in Chicago
I went back home to Chicago this weekend to hang out with friends and celebrate a buddy’s birthday. It was a great time in addition to being a learning experience. Here are some of the things that I found out:
Phones don’t work properly – BB (my friend who was celebrating his birthday) got a text a day after his party from his brother wishing him a happy birthday and saying that he tried to call the day before but couldn’t get through. BB is a notorious stickler about people remembering his birthday and missing it even by a day is an egregious offense to him. His brother knows this and decided to use the lamest/stupidest lie ever. He claimed that he called him but did not leave a message and BB didn’t pick up. Does his brother not understand cell phone technology? I have had people use this same type of excuse on me before and not only is it a lame attempt to lie, it is also insulting. Did BB’s brother really think that BB would believe that 1 – He actually called 2 -The cell phone did not record the number on caller ID 3 – He decided not to leave a message on either call attempt. He might as well have just texted BB and called him a complete fucking idiot… and by the way happy belated birthday.
If you are drunk at a party and scream “Everybody’s gonna get laid!” you better not be bullshitting – One of my friend’s boyfriends was belligerently drunk at a BBQ that I attended and for some reason he thought it would be a good idea to scream that out ever couple minutes. He said it so often that I think some of the party goers might have expected something to go down at the end of the night. That is really cruel false advertising. I think some of the people were ready to go home but were sticking around so they wouldn’t miss some kind of crazy orgy (well, not really but it would be funnier if they did). 
Instead of “everybody getting laid” his girlfriend got pissed at him for some reason and they left… but not before asking another one of the girls at the party if she would “do unspeakable sex acts with Sally Jesse Raphael. For some reason I can forgive him for making promises he couldn’t keep because that phrase is seven different kinds of awesome.
Chicago is for lovers – Pretty much everywhere we went people were dry humping. I don’t know if it was because the weather was finally nice or if this is something that is popular in Chicago right now. Anywhere we went there was some kind of heavy petting going on. One couple was literally a stones throw from an “urban” family’s picnic and the chick was grinding on her dude. Hey buddy, tuck your “public park boner” back in your pants and take your humping roadshow somewhere else where there are not children playing foursquare, you deviant bastard!
Second base is a specialty position - the day I flew in the birthday boy had a softball game and they put him at second base. He was insulted that he was inserted at a position that was best suited for, according to him, “fat lesbians”. He proceeded to make 3 errors in one inning. I could not get out of the airport in time to witness this limp dick effort and it is my biggest disappointment of the entire trip. In the rock paper scissors of life apparently fat lesbian beats balding pollack.
The Wu-Tang clan has a new member – and his name is Mike from Iran (This is an inside joke that only about 5 people will get but fuck off, it is my blog, I will do what I want).
The sally jesse thing was for a $20 bill that he was waiving….the same twenty that Kim just gave him moments before to chug the
remaining 1/3 of the bottle of cheap champagne he was trying to pass
around “like a whore in high school” I think Lars was his only
taker…come to think about it, that may have been Nars
The RZA, the JZA, Ghostfacekilla, Old Dirty bastard, Inspecta Deck, and MIKE from Iran.
Excellent. I wish to thank you for allowing the me the opportunity of spending time with Kpax. Godspeed interstellar traveler.