Successful Operation of the Rumormill
I came into work today and one of my co-workers dropped a bomb on me. He said he fucked my Mother.
Just kidding! – that did actually (maybe) happen to Lebron James right before game 4 of the Eastern Conference Semi-finals. Allegedly Delonte West, one of Lebron’s teammates, has been “driving the lane” on Lebron’s mom for the last few months and Lebron found out about it shortly before he shit the bed in the playoffs. Either Delonte West is really into MIWF’s (Mothers I Wouldn’t Fuck) or he wants to become the most hated man in Cleveland. If this rumor is true he will be the reason that the Cav’s didn’t get a chance at the title and why Lebron will be playing somewhere else next year. It also will probably make for some pretty weird family dinner’s if Delonte wants to keep dating Mrs. James – something tells me that Lebron may not want his mom getting bottomed out by a guy with neck tattoos 25 years her junior.
So Basically this guy:
“took it to the rack” on this lady:
My first reaction was that I was pissed for not spreading this rumor myself. It is so juicy and so unbelievable that it just may be true. That is the key to a successful rumor – make it something that people want to believe. If someone wants to believe something they will make all kinds of logical leaps in order for the rumor to be true in their own head. Rumor creation is kind of a hobby of mine and can be really funny at times. The ones that I create are usually harmless yet I take great satisfaction when I hear one of my creations come back to me from someone else who would swear that the rumor was true. For example, one of my coworkers pissed me off one day so I planted the rumor that I saw him walking his cat on the beach… with a leash. Childish? Yes. A little dikish? Yes. Effective? Abso-fucking-luteley.
Flash forward over a year later and I was sitting with a few friends at a bar and one of my best friends who I happen to work with received an email on her blackberry that the “catwalker” was fired. She proceeded to tell the entire table that SHE had seen him walking his cat on the beach. I was ecstatic. It was like I sent myself a gift a year ago and it unexpectedly dropped on my table at that exact moment. After she finished her story I confirmed that SHE had seen it, then informed her that I made up the rumor – even after another friend sitting with us confirmed that I had made the story up she still wanted to believe it was real.
The “catwalking” story worked because the target of the rumor was kind of a douche and it was so ridiculous that it just probably was true just like this Delonte banging Lebron’s Mom story. If it is untrue then whomever made the Lebron story up would be the Yoda of rumor spreaders and I want to go to a swamp and learn the craft from him/her.
I know what you are thinking… Mr. Ultraparadoxical is a total asshole, rumors suck and people who spread them are total fuck-sticks. You are right. I am an asshole and I would never normally talk shit behind someone’s back but it is pure comedy to see what people will believe. If I would not have spread these rumors I would have missed out on these fantastic situations:
- In college we spread a rumor that one of our buddies (We will call him PC) walked in on his mom giving his step dad head while he was home on spring break. This rumor led to another one of our friends who was not in on the joke telling this story to a large group of people and everyone taking it as fact. PC came back home from class and people started making fun of him for matronly oral that NEVER happened. When he denied that ever happened I chipped in and said “I would say that too if I saw my Mom giving some guy a BJ” thus sealing the rumor as fact. Days later we spilled the beans on what we had did and we all got a good laugh… except for PC – he swore his revenge on us.
- Another falsehood we spread had one of our buddies getting wasted, hooking up with his girlfriend and accidentally shitting the bed. This rumor ended up getting disseminated all throughout our group as well as her friend group. It finally got back to his girlfriend and she confronted him about it by telling him that he did not need to be embarrassed. She said that these things happen and he could have told her instead of keeping it a secret. He was clueless and flabbergasted… I wish I had a tape of that conversation… good times.
Am I a total asshole? Do you have any good ridiculous rumor stories?
DAVES!!!!!!!!!!!!
He said “Even if it did happen, that’s bullshit that you’re telling all of your friends about it!”
I remember once you told dirty D to start a rumor that Milonis’s girlfriend was molested as a child, by her uncle i think. Can you start a podcast?
Hahaha!! That “catwalker” story is absolutely ridiculous and hilarious! I can’t remember the last time I laughed this hard! I keep picturing this dude walking a cat on a beach with a leash and I bust out laughing! The whole story behind it and how it got back to you is priceless. I can’t wait til tomorrow when it randomly pops into my head at work and I start laughing out of nowhere. How in the world do you come up with a rumor like that? That is pure genius, my friend. That really was as you described it: a present sent to yourself from a year earlier.