Meth-heads are total C-blockers…
The scene of the worst date ever recorded...
I have been on many dates in my life. Some good, some bad and some in between. There is one night that is the current and probably will forever be the reigning champ for worst first date I have ever been on. It all started innocently enough after I met this chick at the bar and we talked a few times on the phone and decided to go out to World Famous in Mission Beach for Taco Tuesday. We did the usual chitchat about family and music and food and what we like to do in our free time and BLAH BLAH BLAH. No sparks really flew but I can safely say we were enjoying ourselves and the date was going smoothly.
We came a bit later in the night so as we finished up our meal and I paid the bill the place was half full. Our seat was close to one of the tinted windows which had a good view of the ocean during the day but was hard to see out of at night. Just as we finished our drinks to leave this guy crept up, banged on the window and screamed “FUCK YOU – I’M GOING TO FUCKING KICK YOUR ASS” among other things in his 30 second expletive laced tirade. I still remember the whites of his eyes bugging out of his head as he barked into the window standing about 3 feet from us. We both were startled at first then we looked around the restaurant to see who he was yelling at. A few of the other patrons noticed but quickly went back to their meals as the guy walked away from the window. Confused, we both looked at each other wondering what the hell had just happened.
We shook it off and talked a bit more and were about 30 seconds from getting up and leaving. Then. it. happened. I looked to my right and a 6+ foot black meth head came racing into the restaurant directly towards our table. I was frozen and had no idea who this guy was or what he was going to do next. He arrived at the foot of our table as the entire restaurant paused to stare at us to see what was going on. It was at that point that I thought this guy was going to go Tyson on me but I was still too rattled to do anything. He was seething mad – he looked Like Ray Lewis right before he shoots the gap trying to tackle a running back. Well, his eyes looked like Ray Lewis but the rest of him was a different story. He was covered in sand, dirt and who knows what else clothed only in a swim suit that looked like it had not been off of his body in at least 3 weeks. He paused for a second and stared at my date. “You can’t call me a nigger – you bitch!” he shouted and then he spit on her. That’s right, he fired up a loogie that spattered all over her. She was shocked – an alien could have landed on our table and done a break-dance routine and she would not have had a more surprised look on her face
OK – now I know what you are thinking – “Did you get up and kick this guys ass to defend your date’s honor?” Abso-fucking-lutely NOT – I am not about to tussle with a cranked up meth-head for some girl after a first date. My chivalry level is definitely lower than my self preservation level at that point in a relationship. After a month – I probably get up and do something but after mediocre date #1 – no way. The bouncers saw what was going to go down as soon as the guy came in and a couple moments after that fateful loogie left his lips they tossed him out of the bar and I was left with a spit covered date. 20 seconds went by in shocked silence until I said “I never knew that you were such a racist” with a completely straight face. She didn’t laugh. I gave her some tissue and my napkin and she dabbed herself off. I still remember the little flecks of gross meth-head spittle clinging to her hair.
We walked to the car, drove back to her house and never called her again (don’t judge me). The whole thing was just too traumatic to come back for a second date. Ask yourself… could you kiss a chick that you saw drenched in hobo spit? Didn’t think so.
I actually saw her a few months after the incident randomly out at the bar and we have seen each other a few times since and things were awkward at first but eventually everything was fine. In fact she is trying to set me up with one of her friends… circle of life!
What is your worst first date story?
For one, it was just drinks, because I’m wary as hell of “first dates” and would rather have some liquor in my system. The bar was COMPLETELY empty except the two of us and while I drank, he just talked his ass off and decided to throw out some racial slurs as well.
I left after barely an hour.
Well… I don’t know who you are but you sound way more interesting than my date was – I would take you out for drinks and hobo spit anytime!
Mr. Ultraparadoxical, you know this story! No first day is as bad as the one that ended in diabetic shock, a free ride with the Silver Fox on the fire truck, discovering the baby car seat in his backseat, and hours in the ER! I win! Gentlemen, take your medication and don’t forget to eat! And maybe, some honesty please?
Yeah – I concede, you win – secret babies and diabetic shock will give any lady “Mojave Crotch” – well played madame.
Your true identity is safe with me Zorro. Dammit! I did it again!