The fast food apocalypse is upon us…

Today, I stumbled upon one of the filthiest food incarnations that people will inevitably stuff down their gaping maw.  This “sandwich” marks a potential turning point for American society.  If it is popular and other restaurants start to emulate it I think we will know that Americans are committed to being a bunch of fat fucks.  At its core KFC is offering a pure meat sandwich the likes of which I have never seen.  It is a menage trois of processed animal carcass.  Basically the chicken is double-teaming the pig and KFC is suggesting that I eat this gang-bang.  I don’t think I could stomach it but I know this will be popular.  Appeal to the lowest common denominator of the American public and anyone can be successful – depressing but true.

One of my coworkers has a unexplainable fascination with specialty fast food items and has tried just about every greasy fast food incarnation that debut from time to time.  I see it as a masochistic food hobby but in some cases he actually likes the what these sick bastards come up with at their food labs tucked away in The Burger King’s underground lair.  As soon as I saw the Doubledown I knew that I needed to make him aware of it and sent him this email today:

Sent: Friday, April 09, 2010 9:02 AM
Subject: Hmmm

I feel like this is in your wheelhouse and wanted to make you aware of it…

http://www.salon.com/food/feature/2010/04/08/double_down_interview/index.html

and his reply:

Sent: Friday, April 09, 2010 9:05 AM
Subject: RE: Hmmm

Sign me up! It’s like I’m holding a 7 & 4 and the dealer is showing a 6! Name seems appropriate, since you are gambling away the years of life you have left.

I couldn’t have said it any better myself.  To top it off I asked him to dip into his extensive knowledge of disgusting fast food for the top 3 most disgusting fast food abominations that he has ever dared to consume.  Here they are:

Wendy’s Bacon Cheese Jalapeno Burger

2 patties, square which already sucks and then the cheese was like nacho cheese, was much like biting into a meat jelly doughnut.

Carl’s Jr Prime Rib 6-Dollar Burger

As if a giant pound of meat was not enough, they decide to throw an extra half pound of slimy & super fatty low grade meat which they called Prime Rib on top, which doesn’t even do the French Dip at Denny’s justice.

Taco Bell’s Shrimp Tacos

Still yet to try but let’s face it everyone knows that taco bell should stay far away from fish, and definitely far away from shellfish!

It always feels good to defer to a pro.  I will leave you with the commercial for the new Doubledown so you know I am not bullshitting you.

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3 Responses to “The fast food apocalypse is upon us…”

  1. Dman says:

    What the author has failed to mention is the “double down” feat he pulled off at a certain Wendy’s, in a certain college town, fueled by a certain dare to double the meat on a triple cheeseburger for the low, low price of 99 cents.

    “You want to do what?…Hold on, I have to get the manager”

  2. admin says:

    Ahhh yes, the folly of youth. You failed to mention that after that certain person ate that certain burger he played an intramural football game. What would happen if you had a doubledown and doubled the meat… it would have to create a glitch in the matrix.

  3. Nelson says:

    Ok I do believe that I was at the wendys where you ate a six patty wendys burger on a bet and then went to go play flag football that evening. Double the meat on a wendys triple and you got it. the fat ladies behind the counter questioned the order several times. That was a good day.

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