Waiting… then more waiting…
I have written in the past about slowing things down and not worrying about making things faster so we would be able to enjoy the things around us more. I still believe that but I know one thing for sure – waiting sucks. There are many different times in life where you are required to wait for something with a group of other people. Each of these different waiting experiences is brutal in its own special way some however are shittier than others. If Dante were to descend down the 7 levels of waiting areas this is the order that he would go in:
Level 1 – Amusement park lines
This is one of the most tolerable waiting areas mostly for people watching reasons. Some of my favorites are the white trash couple with their hands in each other’s back pockets – the family who hates each other and is constantly bickering in line – the black family that decided to all wear the same purple airbrushed t-shirt. Also at a theme park there is something good at the end of the wait… which as we go down the list is not the case.
Level 2 – Restaurants
Who thought that going out to eat and should require that you come into possession of a plastic, flashing dildo-shaped device that vibrates when the table is ready? I feel like a douche when I get one of those things. This sushi restaurant in San Diego takes your phone number down and texts you when the table is ready… why can’t everyone do that?
When I am hungry in the waiting area of a restaurant I visibly hate everyone around me. When a group gets up and is seated before me I just mutter obscenities to myself and hope they get a pube in their “Awesome Blossom.” Restaurants are still OK though because you are waiting for something that I am going to enjoy, the next few are a different story altogether.
Level 3 – The airport
I always like to be the very last person on the plane. I watch the rest of the passengers cram together in the line and I am confounded why people don’t just chill out. I do not understand why people line up 20 minutes ahead of time to sit in an assigned seat. Once the bags are checked they can’t take off without the luggage owner. It is a law. You can be wasted in the bar 10 minutes late for the flight and they either have to wait for you or take your bags off.
Level 4 – Car mechanic’s shop
Every time I get work done on my car I am forced into that stale coffee smelling room that is technically clean but definitely feels dirty for some reason. There are Sports Illustrated magazines from six months ago that are probably less sanitary that a toilet seat. I am no germa-phobe but I can’t even imagine all of the filthy hands that have fondled the stack of magazines at that place. I would rather go down on an Ebola monkey that pick one of those things up.
Level 5 – Doctor’s office
When your immune system is the weakest is the time when you have to sit in a cramped waiting room with a bunch of other people as sick or sicker than you. They should give you a gas mask to go into these places – the air kind of feels infected in the doctor’s waiting area. I went to the emergency room once for a split lip and ended up sitting there for over 3 hours. I felt like such a pussy waiting as people walked in with compound fractures, severe head injuries and other major medical problems. The one guy walked in with his buddy and literally moaned for the entire time he was waiting (guttural “cats fucking” type moans”) and was puking into a bucket every 5 minutes. I patiently waited until they finally called me to give me 3 stitches.
Once I am done with one waiting room I get shipped to the examination room where I am forced to stand around in a 58 degree room in my underpants until some creepy old guy pokes and prods me. It brings me back to my days of being an altar boy (kidding!). The only thing to do to pass the time is read over pamphlets for obscure diseases or stare at the diagram of the reproductive system… not my idea of a good time.
Level 6 – DMV
The combination of uncomfortable chairs, eye watering BO and cock-sucking employees make the DMV one of the very worst waiting areas. I understand, I would hate working at the DMV too but no one put a gun to their head. On a scale of 1 – scorching case of herpes the DMV is about a 9.5 on the shittiness scale.
Level 7 – Greyhound bus stop
The one time I was at the bus stop I felt scummy just walking in the door. As I walked in to the bus station in Chicago a few years ago I counted 6 bums sleeping, 3 tranny’s mincing, 2 prostitutes hooking and a partridge in a peeeeaaaar treeeeee! What a shithole. All of that waiting then just puts you on a bus with these same degenerates for a few more hours until you reach an equally shitty bus station at your destination. Horrible… just horrible.
Am is missing any horrible waiting areas?
Arriving early to a plane has some benefits. Checking in bags is such a hassle and can increase travel time enormously, so I try to bring carry on only. Therefore, boarding the plane early is key to ensuring overhead bin space. Also if you are early on the plane, and something is wrong, you can fix it fast. Stinky seatmate just move before all the seats are filled. Wanna get your drink on? Can’t bring open booze on board, but once you are on board you can open the booze. Lastly, I try to get on board early so I can get off the plane faster. I often fly southwest, so its nice to hop on board, get settled then quickly fall asleep so I can wake up at my destination and go straight to the party.
The key to avoiding waits is to go when people aren’t rushing to go. Don’t travel on friday afternoons or sunday afternoons. Don’t go to the dmv at 8am, and avoid the doctors late in the day. It seriously works, I was at Scripps and it took them less than 10 mins for me to be seen, same happened at dmv, no appointments just was able to walk right in.