Listen to my Uncle – People don’t change
My Uncle’s favorite quote is “People don’t change”. When I was a kid at family parties I remember him saying this as a response to hearing about what someone in our family experienced or just talking about current events. I would hear one of my cousins saying how her boyfriend was treating her like shit and she couldn’t believe that he was acting that way. Everyone in the room knew the guy was an asshole but she seemed not to be able to see it. She thought that things would be different over time. She could have saved herself a lot of time and heartache by listening to my uncle.
It got to the point where my brother’s and sisters would poke fun at him for saying his line and try to beat him to the punch before he could say it. Back then I really didn’t get it. As I got a bit older I thought that he was totally wrong. People DO change… I mean, as a child I thought I was changing all the time. The way I acted changed dramatically as I grew up and I felt like almost as if I was a different person. Since then I have realized something. He was right.
People don’t ever fundamentally change. I realize that life is dynamic and a person grows and develops over time. This is not the change that I am talking about though. What never changes in anyone is the core of a person’s emotional motivation. People’s immediate actions and reactions to their motivations may change but eventually they will always be back to their “unchanged” habits because even though their actions may have deviated from their “norm” the complex reason’s behind their actions have not. They are at their center the same person and will have the same successes and failures throughout their life given enough time. It is a constant and it is something I can count on from my friends… to act how they have acted since I have known them. It seems like such an easy concept but most people don’t realize it to choose to ignore that fact.
This idea has helped me in understanding the people around me and why they do the things that they do. So many people are wrapped up in the actions of others and are upset when people act a certain way. They complain about someone for something that they do all the time instead of either coming to terms with their friend’s actions they just complain more. To take a simple example, lets say my friend Sally is a flake. She is always late and never calls when she is. Lets say that Sally is late to a friend’s wedding. After the ceremony the other people at the wedding would talk about how inconsiderate she was or how Sally is a jerk. In reality though she is acting the way she always acts. How could someone expect anything different from her? It may have been inconsiderate of Sally to act that way, however, it should not be a surprise. In my opinion I have two choices with people when I and getting to know them. Can I deal with their personality and the way that they are? If that answer is yes then I accept that person as a friend, buddy, acquaintance or whatever and understand that they have shortcomings like anyone else and not be surprised or upset when they continue a pattern of behavior. So in my example I am either Sally’s friend and don’t beat up on her when she is late or not be Sally’s friend at all.
So many people spend time wondering if a person will change their ways or act differently. I will save you the suspense… they won’t. People are who they are. They may deviate from their norm for a while but it is not sustainable and eventually they will fall back into reacting to their motivations the way that feels most comfortable for them. It is best to just understand people’s strengths and limitations and be OK with how they act or don’t include them in your life. Everyone would be much happier and more peaceful if the would just listen to my Uncle…
What do you think?