My Winter Olympics Boner
The opening day of the Olympics was the first day that I was officially moved into my new place. Since I have been at home cleaning, rearranging and getting my shit together I have watched a ton of the Olympics. While putting my bookcase together I cheered for cross country skiers and as I was swearing at a half assembled desk in front of me curling was on in the background. I have never been a huge fan of the winter Olympics – instead of running, jumping and swimming of the summer games the winter has bobsled, ski aerials and the luge. Most of the events are more of a drunken dare than a sporting event. Regardless I have a few observations about the past 2 weeks:
- Apparently there is a brother/sister combination in one of the pairs ice skating competitions. In the article the brother complains about having to hold hands with his sister all the time but that would not be the issue for me. Hoisting my sister up with one had about 3 inches from her camel toe would probably be a bigger problem. I know, I know, its all an act and part of the spectacle, but it is still creepy. I think the only worse partner to have would be your mother – that would get real weird.
- Goodbye Boner, we hardly knew ye… I really shouldn’t joke about someone committing suicide but this is just too bizarre to not mention. I was trying to think of a former television star being involved in something more random/weird than this story. All I could come up with would be Mr. Belvedere being gunned down during an attempted bank heist (and then drop kicking his jacket as he keeled over). I have so many questions about this story and sadly they will all go unanswered. Why did they name a character on a family TV show after an erect cock? What has Boner been doing for the past 20 years that made him so depressed? Why did he decide to off himself at the Olympic venue? Bottom line is that it sucks for him and his family but, what the fuck… the whole situation is completely beyond my comprehension. I am going to pour out a little of my drink at happy hour today for my main man Boner.
- Curling… I have to say I am a fan. 2 things: 1 – I watched this for 2 hours before going out to the bar on Saturday and I still have no idea what the rules are. The announcers talk about everything except how the game is played. Do they realize that there are about a half dozen people in the US that actually know the rules to curling? They should be explaining everything that goes on as if I were watching football with a girlfriend. During football games they explain the rules that everyone already knows but with curling they don’t mention a thing… WTF? It is like assuming a class of third graders understands advanced thermodynamics and giving them a presentation on it. It doesn’t make sense. My theory is that it is a Canadian conspiracy to make Americans feel dumb. 2 – They should encourage drinking during the competition. In all reality curling is a glorified version of shuffleboard that they have at the bar with those little iron pucks. If those Danish chicks were wasted hurling those curling stones (see, I know the terminology, I told you I was a fan) and getting interviewed making a walk of shame in the Olympic village after their match the next morning I would be a lifelong fan.
- I saw the US vs. Canada hockey game on Sunday at the bar and really enjoyed it. Everyone was on the edge of their seats during the 3rd period and let out a large cheer when we won. However, after about 5 minutes no one even cared about the game. Thinking about the poor Canadians who were probably crushed with the loss made me laugh a little. There is a perverse joy that Americans get when they are better at things we really are not concerned with. We love being able to say “We don’t give a shit about hockey, and we just beat your ass, suck on that.” It should be interesting if we end up playing them again for the gold medal – I have never seen an angry Canadian before but if we beat them again the Canadian mounties better be ready quell a Canadian riot!
Alas though, the games are just about over, but so is my unpacking. Have a great weekend!