Non-Binding Resolutions
New Years resolutions are total bullshit. Nothing ever really comes of them 90% of the time. Usually, they are weak attempts to reform some perceived shortcoming in a person’s life and usually fail miserably. I have never made a resolution for myself and don’t intend to start now. However, there are some people that should use this time of year to change a thing or two moving into next year. I was thinking of some resolutions that certain people should take for their own good.
Christine Dougherty – Resolve to fuck Jared Fogel
If this name is not familiar, it will be soon. She is the new spokesperson for the “frescolutions” menu at Taco Bell. What is “frescolutions” you ask? It is the “diet” menu for Taco Bell. Apparently Miss Doherty was a big fatass, started eating from the menu and miraculously lost bucketfulls of chub. Will anyone buy into this? I feel like it is a big middle finger to any healthy or intelligent person. The “nutritionists” at the Taco Bell/ALPO labs have substituted salsa fresca for sour cream and cheese and suddenly it is healthy! They have cracked the code to good health! Should I exercise regularly and a eat sensible meals? Hell no – slap on your fast food feedbag, load up some “frescolutions” and watch the pounds melt away! Now that Christine is a confirmed T-Bell fox she can create the fast food equivalent of Brangelina and hook up with Jared Fogel, the spokesman and fellow former fatty (yay for alliteration) spokesman for Subway. That tandem would be a shining reminder that in America one needs no discernible skill or intelligence to be a success. All someone needs to do is lose a few pounds and become a corporate shill to live the American dream. Kill me now. If Arby’s comes out with the “8 minute Arbs” workout video I am moving to Borneo.
Erin Muller – Resolve to take judo classes and buy a female athletic supporter
It amazes me what passes for news (I guess I am just as guilty for writing about it in this blog but whatever…). Apparently Lindsay Lohan’s dad allegedly kicked his girlfriend, Erin Muller, in the vagina, bruising her labia. If a guy kicks a girl in the crotch and it is not a co-ed soccer mishap he should lose a testicle, no questions asked. I thought we were living in a non-female vag-punting society… but alas, we are not. Actually, now I wish Snookie was crotch blasted rather then Snookie Punched… that would have made for much better TV… c’est la vie.
My Roommate – Resolve to keep doing what you are doing
I recently replaced a roommate who got married with a random girl off of Craig’s list and she has been awesome. I have heard some horror stories about the losers, meth heads and other assorted freaks that people have found on this site but she is the antithesis of all that. She is never around and sleeps at her boyfriend’s house EVERY night. When she is around for short periods she is everything that Jolie from Jersey Shore isn’t (compassionate, kind, reserved etc.). She basically foots the bill half of the bill to finance me living by myself in a 2 bedroom condo. Don’t ever change girl! (I’m sure that I just jinxed myself and I am going to find her tweaked out on the floor muttering excuses why she sold my shit to buy more smack when I get home from work tonight)
Umar Farouk AbdulMutallab – Resolve to invest in flame retardant underpants
Umar, you stupid son of a bitch. Not only did I have to deal with snowy weather and angry holiday travelers on the way back to San Diego from Chicago, I also had to be worried that some asshole was going to blow up my plane. It scares me that a person dumb enough to set his crotch on fire was smart enough to get explosives past the security check point at the airport. I get a cavity search because my bottle of crest is 2 ounces over the limit but this guy can get on an airliner with some C4 strapped to his taint – the system works! I thought that the lady eating the smelly Chinese food in row 16 was a jerk, but I am sure that burnt Umar crotch probably takes highest honors in the stink category. Enjoy spending the rest of your life in prison, dumbass – and while we are on this subject…
Jasper Schuringa – Resolve to sit first class next year.
Jasper is the passenger who disarmed Umar when he was trying to detonate his crotch bomb. I could not imagine what was going through his mind when the guy he is sitting next to fumbles with his junk and starts spewing smoke and flames from his groin. I’m sure his thought process went from “Is this guy going to beat off right next to me?” to “Is this guy trying to blow up this plane?” I am pissed when I sit next to some fat tourist because her fat rolls are spilling over the armrest into my space – I can’t imagine how I would react if someone was wielding Underpants of Mass Destruction (UMD) right next to me.
I’m sure I am missing some people and resolutions… can you think of any?
By the way this is my last post of 2009 (sniff… *solitary tear rolls down my cheek*) I will be back in 2010… hopefully they will have flying cars by then. Thanks for reading this year and spreading the word about the site – keep circulating my links and posting them on Facebook! See you next year!