Listen up Celebrities, I May Have Just Saved Your Ass
Tiger, Tiger, Tiger – you sorry son of a bitch. Actually, I don’t feel bad for him at all, he shat his bed and now he needs to lie in it (if you are not familiar with the story read it here and while you are at it leave the cave you are living in and get some sun… you look pale.) I have never understood how celebrities cheat (or drunk drive or fuck tranny hookers or run illegal dog fighting rings) and think that they are going to get away with it. Tiger was going to get caught, it was just a matter of time but if he was smart it didn’t have to come out like this. *sidenote* Tiger, I think you can do better than a member of the cast of Tool Academy 2. I read that and was floored – you really can’t make this stuff up. *End sidenote*
I am sure that if I had a camera on me 24/7 people would catch me doing plenty of stupid things but celebrities KNOW that they are under intense media scrutiny and still make the decisions that they do. If I was being constantly watched I would be an absolute boy scout in public and I certainly would not do anything that could land me in the jail. That is the one thing that would fuck you if you were filthy rich – getting thrown in the pokey. So listen up “celebrities” – here are my keys to not landing on TMZ.com looking like a total douche (Jon Gosselin – I am looking in your direction)…
Hire a driver
This totally takes the DUI factor off the board. In fact – hire ME as your driver – 80K a year and I will be at your beck and call. You can do all the blow off of Lindsay Lohan’s bare ass you want, then just give me a call and we can take you two lovers home to seal the deal without having to worry about a sobriety test in front of the paparazzi on Hollywood Blvd.
Marry someone who doesn’t care if you cheat
Roughly 80% of relationships have at least one person involved who is unfaithful (and 62% of statistics are made up) – and that is for non-celebrities. What do you think that percentage jumps to if you were a football superstar who traveled to different cities every week? 95%… 99%? It would be close to impossible to avoid temptation every single time some hot tramp is begging to get into your hotel room. It is an inevitability – why fight it? Use a condom and marry someone who doesn’t care about a little infidelity here and there. If your wife knew what she was signing up for up front then everyone benefits. No one is living a lie and you can’t complain about it after the fact – problem solved. Either do that or the wives of these superstars need to hire a bodyguard armed with a whiffle ball bat to beat any skanks that happen to talk to their husbands… do one or the other, there is no third option.
Get an “on-call” patsy
For celebrities that may find themselves in more than the run-of-the-mill crimes this is critical. Hire someone who will take the fall for you when something goes horribly wrong. After you shoot up the strip club – call the patsy. When federal authorities stumble upon your cock fighting ring in your back yard – call the patsy. If that hooker in your trunk that you thought was dead comes to and starts making noise while your wife is in he garage – call the patsy. It is a win/win for everyone involved (except the cocks or the hooker, I guess) the patsy gets a big payday and the you get off without a mark on your record.
Wear panties
I can not stress this enough. Frankly, I am tired of seeing Britney’s and Paris’s vag. Either wear some panties or don’t get out of the back seat of a car like you are dismounting a horse.
If the patsy doesn’t work and you are busted for something just own up to it
This is the downfall of almost every disgraced celebrity. When they start lying about what they did it ends up being more ridiculous/worse than the thing that they did. Larry Craig tried to cover up attempting to get a blow job in an airport bathroom by saying he had a “wide stance”. Really? A “wide stance”? Before that statement he was just a homo – when he tried to use that insulting, BS excuse he was a homo AND an idiot. When you are busted… you are busted. Take your lumps and move on – people always respect that.
It is as simple as that. With these 5 simple points I have solved all the problems for every spoiled celebrity prick… wait… why did I do that?
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Absolutely – link away… thanks for reading!