Ultraparadoxical

New Years resolutions are total bullshit.  Nothing ever really comes of them 90% of the time.  Usually, they are weak attempts to reform some perceived shortcoming in a person’s life and usually fail miserably.  I have never made a resolution for myself and don’t intend to start now.  However, there are some people that should use this time of year to change a thing or two moving into next year.  I was thinking of some resolutions that certain people should take for their own good. read more »

A few random musings on a Monday afternoon:

• I went to a holiday party on Saturday at one my friend’s house and hung out for a few hours.  While we were having a few cocktails I noticed that there was a bottle of Triple Sec on the counter.  I didn’t think anything of it until someone mentioned that someone had brought that over.  WTF?  Who brings fucking Triple Sec to a party?  Is that not the oddest alcoholic beverage to bring to a party?  I thought I was going a bit off the reservation by bringing champagne but Triple Sec???  That would be like going to a pot-luck and bringing a few cloves of garlic.  I was completely taken aback by this – can you think of a weirder bottle to bring?  We were all laughing about this and then some guy came in with a bottle of Saki – granted this is not as retarded as Triple Sec, but again, who brings Saki to a party?  Needless to say I created another drink (2 weekends in a row that I have created a drink – I guess I am a bartender savant) called the Secsy Saki which was surprisingly tasty. read more »

Throughout my dating existence I have been in many different types of relationships and each one has its own quirks and eccentricities.  Everyone is different and when those people pair up it creates unique circumstances and scenarios for the people involved making every relationship its own special entity.  Amongst these differences though there are similarities that an outsider can see working in all of these different pairings.  I have observed these similarities in my own and my friend’s relationships and most of the time I see someone’s actions and a song starts playing in my head – these are the relationships and their appropriate lyrics.  So here we go…

Top Nine “Musical” Relationships

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I have already blogged about how Tiger could have avoided all of his troubles by adhering to a few simple rules.  It is too late for Tiger though, he has already shit his bed and now he has to wallow in it… or does he?  It looks pretty bad for him – his wife isn’t wearing her wedding ring, his sponsors are dropping him faster than Sammi Sweetheart dropped “The Situation” and each day it looks like  a new skank is coming forward to say that Tiger took her out for a round on her “back nine”.  It is an absolute media feeding frenzy that is probably slowly destroying his sanity – he is scrambling to save his sponsors, his career and his marriage.  My advice, Mr. Woods, is to let it all go – let it burn to the ground – and rise again out of the ashes of your former life as a new man to be know simply as… “T-Dub”. read more »

There is nothing I like better than going to check out some bands play.  Some people prefer tailgating, going out dancing or sitting at home on the couch watching Three’s Company reruns on a Tuesday afternoon to get their “drink on” but, for me, concerts are the best all around drinking pastimes.  The people watching at these events is superb, depending on the style of music the concert goers can range from hipster douche bags to people who look like they would be more at home in a meth lab or a greyhound bus stop.  There are so many options for entertainment.  You can bang around in front of the stage, listen from afar and chill out or get away from everything and have a drink on the concourse or  a cigarette outside.  Everyone is always in a good mood and by the end of the night there are plenty of drunk people doing drunk people things that you can enjoy on the walk out.

I went to a show this weekend and this is my story (actual names withheld to protect the innocent): read more »

MTV really upped the douchebag ante with their newest reality show, Jersey Shore.  Apparently a producer over at MTV decided that The Real World was just not trashy enough so they looked deep into the armpit of America and found a bunch of self proclaimed “Guidos” and “Guidettes” to live together for a few weeks at a beach house in Seaside, NJ.  It is painful to watch at times but I was intrigued.  I don’t pay too much attention to most reality TV but if something is really absurd I usually check it out just for the shock value.  If reality shows were drugs, I would go directly to the crack pipe.  This show is a metaphorical monkey cage at the zoo (sadly, none of the Guidos threw their own poop at each other – maybe that is in a later episode).  For those of you that missed the initial episode here are the characters you missed: read more »

As I have mentioned before, I have the attention span of a hummingbird.  It is not my fault though – I blame the internet.  I used to be able to sit down for 45 minutes and enjoy reading a book.  Now I can barely sit still for 5 minutes in the bathroom and scan a magazine while I take care of business.  I am so used to seeing information in 30 word chucks that it has become difficult for me to focus for the amount of time it takes to read something longer than a standard CNN article.  It is pathetic but has become a reality.  The way we consume media has fundamentally changed.  Communications in general have moved from longer more in depth articles and ideas to bite size pieces of information we read, process and discard almost immediately.  Substance is sacrificed for immediacy and the information turns into a summary of a summary based on someone else’s summary.  This boils information down to almost nothing of any real importance. read more »

For the remainder of December I will be dedicating Top Nine Friday to a “Best of” series for the decade (I know its fucking crazy, the 00’s are over and no flying cars, wtf?) I am going to start with something very close to my heart – the Top Nine Albums. I have pretty much stopped listening to the radio at this point – the shit they play is brutal. I have resorted to combing Amazon, pitchfork.com (read: hipster douchebag), seeing live shows and friends recommendations for all of my tunes. The only time I ever hear the music I like is on commercials and it annoys the shit out of me. It always happens the same way – some indie band that I started liking a few months prior is on a Cadillac or GE commercial – fuck that. I am all for the bands cashing in but it is sad that the best music that we have today is the soundtrack to shitty commercials. *end rant*

Top Nine Albums of the 00’s (In no particular order) read more »

Tiger, Tiger, Tiger – you sorry son of a bitch. Actually, I don’t feel bad for him at all, he shat his bed and now he needs to lie in it (if you are not familiar with the story read it here and while you are at it leave the cave you are living in and get some sun… you look pale.)  I have never understood how celebrities cheat (or drunk drive or fuck tranny hookers or run illegal dog fighting rings) and think that they are going to get away with it.  Tiger was going to get caught, it was just a matter of time but if he was smart it didn’t have to come out like this. *sidenote* Tiger, I think you can do better than a member of the cast of Tool Academy 2.  I read that and was floored – you really can’t make this stuff up. *End sidenote*

I am sure that if I had a camera on me 24/7 people would catch me doing plenty of stupid things but celebrities KNOW that they are under intense media scrutiny and still make the decisions that they do.  If I was being constantly watched I would be an absolute boy scout in public and I certainly would not do anything that could land me in the jail.  That is the one thing that would fuck you if you were filthy rich – getting thrown in the pokey.  So listen up “celebrities” – here are my keys to not landing on TMZ.com looking like a total douche (Jon Gosselin – I am looking in your direction)… read more »