Career Lessons – A Retrospective (Part One)
Even though I am a self proclaimed sloth I have had at least a part time job since I was 15. Anything that I am doing for money will eventually become (at least sometimes) something that I inherently dislike. Even if I was the oil-boy for the Tropicana Girls Bikini Team the alarm would go off some mornings and I would dread even having to rub down some scantily clad honeys. Jobs to me are just that – JOBS – they are a means to an end. Whatever I can do to make the most amount of money and suffer the least aggravation then that is what I want to do. It opens up more freedom in my personal time where I can enjoy life. In this 2 part series I am going to dig into the past and relive my career job by job and try to pull out some lessons that I still hold on to today. Part one covers everything up until my college graduation…
Animal Hospital – Veterinarian’s Bitch (15-17 years old)
From a young age I always thought that I wanted to be in the life sciences, so it would be a great idea to help out at the local vet… right? Well… helping out meant cleaning up shit and piss (no big deal, I expected this), pilling animals (not so fun – you try jamming a pill down the throat of a cat who would like nothing better than to claw you to death) and carrying euthanized animals to the freezer (many pet cemetery nightmare visions passed through my young brain). I also had to lock up after everyone left and set the alarm. Yes – the ladies over at the vet’s office thought it would be a great idea to have a 15 year old solely responsible for their business after hours. I accidentally set off that alarm about 20 times and knew the guy from the alarm company by his first name. The minute they started to dock my pay for the alarm company visits I decided that I was due for a career change (that, and my parents thought I was going to get murdered by some degenerates looking to steal drugs and syringes from the clinic). Overall it was a good experience to get one of my shittiest (literally) jobs out of the way early in my career.
Career Lesson – The life sciences may not be right for me.
Sports Authority – Footwear Associate (17-20)
This was the job that I wanted to get when I went to work for the vet but they would not hire me until I was 16 (age discrimination!). They actually gave me a hair drug test which I never understood. Luckily I was up with hope and down with dope at that point so I had no worries. Why would the most intense drug test of my career be used for selling athletic shoes? Its like having an FBI style background check to work at McDonald’s. The guy who ran the place was a walking endorsement of why you would never want to use your college degree for a career in retail sales management. He basically lived at the store, made no more then 70K a year and took shit from a bunch of high schoolers all day long. No wonder why he was such an asshole. My most vivid memory from my time working there was when I mistook a butch looking chick for a man and told her that “the men’s shoes are in the other aisle, sir”. She turned around and I wanted to crawl in a shoe and die.
Career Lesson – Don’t choose a job that forces you to work past 5PM or deal with anyone younger than 21 on a regular basis.
College Pro – Painter (19)
It is great to be outside and feel like you are creating something tangible but being hungover and having to get up on a ladder at 7AM can be a dicey proposition. The summer I worked for College Pro I almost killed myself about two dozen times. Anytime I heard someone say “Yo – Ultraparadoxical, you’re tall, get over here” I knew that I was going to be risking my life very shortly. It usually meant that they were too lazy to haul a “set-up” on a rooftop and I was going to have to get on the last rung of a ladder on my tip-toes to get one last spot. This job had no drug test and it led to the whole crew (excluding me – I swear) getting baked at lunch. Highlights of the stoned activity included dumping a can of paint on a homeowner’s dog, putting a ladder through a window and (my personal favorite) a guy passing out on a blacktop roof and almost going to the hospital for heat exposure.
Career Lesson – Your job is not worth risking your life for and manual labor sucks…
Michigan State Vehicle Depot – Car Washer (18-19)
If it didn’t pay $6.25 an hour this would have been my dream job. We were in charge of sending the various university owned cars through the automated car wash system then cleaning the interior. Our manager (this big fat black lady we called “Boomquita”) thought it took us 40 minutes to wash a car. It took 5. I would wash 3 right in a row and go joyriding around campus. I beat the shit out of the cars and would punch in and drive my buddies around in a V-10 van all day. It all came to a crashing end when one day Boomquita inexplicably decided to come in on a Sunday (she was NEVER there on Sunday) and everyone was punched in but no one was there. She busted our asses after that and it just wasn’t the same. $6.25 is not worth ACTUALLY washing cars… are they crazy?
Career Lesson – It is great to work for someone who is lazier then you are.
Michigan State Telemarketing – Telemarketing Manager (19-21)
I never knew how many chicks I was going to meet when I signed up for this job. They should have put that as a job benefit. I hired a new crop of 18-21 year old college students every week and I ran around there like I owned the place. It really could not have worked out any better. It was a pretty loose work environment… so loose that one of my coworkers de-pants me and I expose my bare cock to about 15 telemarketers. I quickly pulled up my pants and said “I hope I didn’t poke anyone’s eye out”… pretty weak but it was the best I could come up with on the fly. Probably one of the top 10 most embarrassing moments of my life.
Career Lesson – Wear a belt to work…
What were your career lessons from your pre-graduation jobs? Stay tuned for part two on Wednesday…
