Top Nine Friday – Kwanzaaaaa Spirit Edition
There are not that many things that suck about living in Southern California but the holiday season is one of them. The holidays come and go and it is pretty much unnoticed except a few decorations at the mall or the shitty Adult Contemporary music being replaced by shitty Christmas music at Starbucks. Southern Californians make some pathetic attempts at holiday activities that never really turn out right. In Del Mar they put up Christmas decorations at the horse track and people pay 15 bucks to take their car around the track and look at shitty light displays. I did it the first year I moved here and it was so lame that halfway through we decided to “Tokyo Drift” the rest of the track and get out as soon as possible. No cold + No snow = No REAL holiday feel. This is the one time in the year where I wish it was a bit colder so it would FEEL more like the holidays (Only I could find something to bitch about with the beautiful weather here.) Since I am selfish and I want to feel more holiday-ish I am dedicating this Top Nine Friday to the random things I love/hate about the holiday season.
- The Tryptophan Myth – I loathe this conversation and it happens every Thanksgiving. After dinner is done someone eventually says that they are tired and someone always has to pipe up being all “Mr. Wizard” and explain that there is a drug in Turkey called Tryptophan that makes you sleepy. Everyone takes it as fact. It has nothing to do with fucking tryptophan and EVERYTHING to do with the 5 plates of food you engulfed and the half case of beer you just drank. Do me a favor – the next time someone says this around you dutch oven them… it is the only way to stop this insanity.
- Public Child Meltdown Syndrome (PCMS) – These always happens more frequently during the holidays and I am a big fan. Some overworked mom is toting her children around for hours and one of the kids loses it. Flailing on the floor, crying and throwing things around are all trademark moves of the PCMS. You can’t stop it , you can only hope to contain it. I love seeing these…especially near the end of the tantrum when the Mom does my favorite move… the wrist grab followed by a threat that Santa is watching. Physical abuse followed up by lies to calm you kid down… booooya!
- Candy canes – Fuck candy canes. In the history of this “treat” I don’t think anyone has ever eaten a whole cane. Get rid of them – they are the holiday equivalent of those shitty orange peanuts that you would get when you were trick-or-treating as a kid.
- Work parties – What better way to trim a couple people from the roster at work than to get them all sauced up and unleash them on an unsuspecting banquet hall. There is always some weird shit going on, it is usually best to avoid the festivities altogether. The last holiday party I was at one of the chicks from Marketing ended up in the coat closet sucking face with this total creeper from the Sales department… AWKWARD!
- Faking that you like a gift – An time-worn holiday tradition that I have been participating in since I was a kid. There is always some go to line like “Sweet!” or “Nice… thanks you so much!” to mask your utter disappointment in their gift selecting abilities. The worst is when you get pegged as liking something then you grow out of it. I got geology books from my one aunt for years all due to the one time she saw that I was watching some TV show about rocks – fuck my life.
- Christmas Specials – These stop me in my tracks when I am channel surfing every time. I have seen them a million times but there is something about Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer or the Grinch that makes it must-watch material. Getting stoned and watching “It’s a Wonderful Life” can blow your mind and get you in the Christmas Spirit all at the same time! Are they going to be playing this shit in 30 years still?
- Kwanzaa Jokes – Replace Kwanzaa with anything Christmas or Hanukkah related and hilarity ensues. I have no idea what Kwanzaa is but the whole idea of it seems funny to me. Instead of Christmas caroling go Kwanzaa Caroling… John Lennon’s “So this is Christmas” turns into “So this si Kwanzaa”… What a crappy holiday. Just buy shit that you can’t afford on your credit card and celebrate the Christmas like everyone else.
- Holiday Travel - People are so ridiculously stressed out from the holidays that the airport is the epicenter for people losing their mind. Most people don’t like traveling for the holidays but I find it fascinating. I sit back and watch people go ape-shit. There is nothing that you can do but sit back and soak it all in. From the ticket counter lady getting yelled at to the degenerates sleeping on the floor next to the food court… it is all good.
- Christmas night booze-fest – I started a tradition a few years ago that I would highly recommend. Go out the night of Christmas. Why-the-fuck-not? It baffles me why this is not a bigger night of going out than the night before Thanksgiving. After a grueling 2 days of constant family gathering, what could be better than going out with your buds to have a few cocktails. Everyone has off the next day and no one does anything productive the day after Christmas anyways. Join me in my alcoholic yearly activity!
Ahhhhh, now I feel in a more holiday mood… did I miss anything?
[...] the way – No posts until Monday due to the holiday… stab someone for mentioning Tryptophan for me! Share and [...]
So are you the total creeper from the Sales department???
Maybe… but I guess its better than being the creeper from the ACCOUNTING department!