The Evolution of the Berfday
Birthdays are interesting rituals. It is supposed to be a special day but in reality it doesn’t make much sense why we put such an emphasis on that day. I have always thought that is was funny that we celebrate our emergence from our mother’s vagina. I guess it is something that everyone has in common and surviving another year on earth is a pretty impressive feat.
Basically everyone tries to be as nice as possible to you that day. You can be a dick to anyone and just say “Awwww, c’mon, its my birthday…” – and all is forgiven. All for doing something that no one remembers – graduating from a fetus to a human! Some people take it to the extreme – I have one friend that will literally extend her birthday to cover over 2 weeks of activities. Unacceptable – I can’t be overly nice to someone for that long. I refuse to buy in to that program. Your birthday is one day, you can only use your birthday to get off the hook once. After that your friends are allowed to treat you like shit again.
I have noticed over the years that there is an evolution process to the actual birthday celebrations and I want to be the first to chronicle the import birthday “eras”
The Pants Shitting Era (0-5 years)
These birthday celebrations are marked by the birthday boy/girl smashing cake all over their face and not knowing what the fuck is really going on. At best, they are excited that they are getting showered with attention but they have no idea why.
Aggravating Toy Era (6-11 years)
This era is where you finally know why people are staring at you encouraging you to blow out the candles on the cake. It is also the golden age of birthdays, it doesn’t get much better than this. Basically you are allowed to get juiced up on as much candy, cake, soda and meth (maybe not meth) that you can handle and you are set loose with your family to run amok with no consequences. The name of this era is derived from the toys that you get. Many of which are so elaborate that they require a advanced degree in engineering to put together. I remember on my 8th Birthday I got a ridiculous GI Joe contraption called “Rolling Thunder” and I suckered my Godmother’s husband into putting it together. About halfway through he looked like he needed a smoke and a stiff drink. Almost everyone had left the party at that point and he was still trying to figure out how to get the wheels on. But… like I said, “Awwww, c’mon, its my Birthday…” – works every time.
Dawn of the Dual Party Era (12-16)
At about 12 you finally realize that you are way cooler than your family and having a inflatable moonwalk in your backyard is will make your friends think you are a douche. So to fix this you have both a friends party and a family party. The family party fundamentally changes because at this point you are trying to be cool and don’t want to be treated like a kid any more. It totally drains the fun out of the celebration and it is the antithesis of the “Aggravating Toy Era”. The party with your friends is only half fun because you can’t drink yet and usually ends with your fat friend getting injured in the ball pit at Chuck-e-Cheese.
How the Fuck do I get Booze Era (17-20)
By this point you know that you need alcohol to tolerate all of your friends for an extended get-together (I swear I am not an alcoholic) but you are not allowed to legally consume. These birthday years are focused on 2 things – How do I get booze for my party? and Where can I drink with my friends and not get hassled? At this age no avenue is left unchecked – older siblings, stealing beer out of people’s garages, or even begging random scumbags outside of the liquor store. These parties are always disasters because it is amateur hour – the party usually ends with someone puking in your parents clothes hamper and you best friend passing out in the garden.
Drink away the Reality of Aging Era (21-30)
The start of this era is the last significant birthday. After this age really doesn’t matter anymore unless you are concerned about getting signed up for AARP. Age 21 hits, you are legally allowed to vote, drink and drive – it is all downhill from there. Birthdays don’t mean anything after that, it is just another step towards the next “pants shitting era” (this one you need adult diapers for though.) The 21st is the apex of drinking and usually a fun time disaster. This is not to say that life is over but rather that birthdays start to not be as fun. Friends get married, have kids and start to slow down a bit. The same buddy that used to pass out in your parents back yard now needs to call his wife if he is going to be home 15 minutes late.
Uncharted Territory Era (31-Peace out)
I don’t know much about this era of birthdays because I have not experienced them yet. Today is my 30th birthday and I am planning to end my “Drink Away the Reality of Aging Era” in style. Due to this I will not be posting anything on Friday – I was hoping to have a guest blogger write something for me but they are a little lazy *cough* Looking in your direction BB and KS *cough* *cough*
Anyways… thanks for reading – see you on the other side of my 30′s!