Top Nine Friday – The “I Did WHAT Last Night?” Edition
There are times in life where you wonder why you ever waste your time drinking and going out… then your friend makes an ass of themselves and it is all worthwhile. These are a collection of those incidents…
Top 9 Drunken Moments (In no particular order)
Cabo Cantina, San Diego – 2 for 1 drinks sound like a great deal but it can get ugly fast. One of my friends was hitting on some blond at the bar and she started to playfully slap him in the face. In his mind it turned from playful to annoying quickly. He asked her to stop 3 times and when she didn’t he made her pay the price with a buy-one-get-one-free-corona-douching. He unloaded both beers over her head… when I looked over I thought they were celebrating winning the World Series – the bouncers did not think it was so funny and booted him.
PT O’Malley’s, East Lansing- This was the apex of my drunkenness in college, my 21st birthday. After getting into the bar at midnight, plowing through 20 shots (I couldn’t quite stomach the 21st, a Dirty Girl Scout) and getting kicked out at 1 AM I stumbled back to my house on a spree of stupidity and violence. I finally arrived home ready to pass out only to run smack dab into another party. Everyone knew I was wasted and wanted to fuck with me, especially one of the older guys who I will call “Charlie”. ”Charlie” took it a little too far and was jabbing me in the gut trying to make me puke. I asked him to stop once… the second time I threw him in a headlock and didn’t let go until he stopped struggling. As I released my grip and he fell back like a pile of bricks and thudded on the floor motionless. One of he fellow party goers cried out “You killed Charlie!” I thought I did… until a few gasps of air erupted from his mouth. For about 15 seconds I thought I was going to be spending the remainder of my 20′s in the pokey on manslaughter charges. Thanks booze!
Some Banquet Hall, Southfield- This day in drunken history was the wedding of one of my friends who was the first to get married out of college – always a recipe for disaster. This is probably the number 1 MVD (most valuable drunk) performance that I have ever witnessed. My drunk buddy:
- Smashed an entire bottle of red wine on the carpet of the banquet hall.
- When the bar was closed for the night filled his own pitcher from the tap as the bartender chased him away.
- Refused to give the pitcher back even when the bride’s Dad demanded it.
- Was told by the bride’s dad that he “Thought it would be best if you would just leave”
- Pissed on the front step of the hall (one hand outstretched, propping him up) as relatives were filing out of the entrance
- Went to the parking lot, smashed another entire bottle of red wine, fell into it and cut his face and arms on the shards of glass.
- Finished the night in the women’s restroom getting his bloody face dabbed clean with a tampon by the groom’s mom
I challenge you for a better MVD…
The Bank/Carmel, Las Vegas – Pop quiz time – On the off chance that you would have an “accident” in your pants at the bar would you:
A – Tell Everyone what you just did
B – Continue to wear your pee pants the rest of the night
C – Wear the same pee pants on the flight home the next morning
D – All of the above
If your answer is D then you may have a lot in common with one of my friends.
Rick’s, East Lansing- The infamous psych out spree of 2009. In my last visit to East Lansing one of my friends broke the record for consecutive high-5 psych outs (This was after he told the girlfriend of a football player that she looked like she could bowl a 280 – AKA she was a lesbian.) Trust me, next time you are wasted burn random strangers walking by with a psych out… hilarity ensues.
Blarney Stone, San Diego- After a night at the local shitty Irish pub we came back to the house. I went to bed with the chick that I was dating at the time and my roommates went outside to have a smoke. About 10 minutes later I heard a commotion and one of my roomies screaming “GET IT OUT OF HIS MOUTH… GET IT OUT OF HIS MOUTH!!!”. I threw on some pants and came out of the room to see my roomate’s birdcage smashed open on the floor and 3 cats tearing them to shreds. Long story short we buried the bird outside and I lead a half drunk eulogy for my fallen avian brothers.
My Parents House, Chicago – Lets just say after Christmas 2007 the new name for a Dirty Martini is a “Grammy Killer”.
Tribeca Tavern, New York- We tried the impossible – an uptown to downtown bar crawl. We ended up at Tribeca Tavern after we had already been getting kicked out of another bar for throwing batteries and almost hitting the bartender. Yes, BATTERIES and no this wasn’t a prison riot, it was a bar crawl. The 4 of us were sitting there in a stupor when one of my friends apparently was done with her gum. She fired it out of her mouth, it arced up into the air and came to rest on the very edge of the bar. Apparently she reconsidered her action because without a word she got up from her seat, walked over and retrieved the gum back off the bar with her teeth. One of my fellow bar crawlers looked over to me with a deadpan face and said ”That happened.”
LandShark, East Lansing- After a fun night at the bar that included one of my friends making out with a chick we dubbed “The Dump Truck” (mind you this happened in the middle of the bar and we took so many pictures that all of the flashes going off looked like Leonardo Decaprio walked in with some paparazzi) we finally got “last-called” and left. One of my friends thought it would be a great idea to tackle another one of my friends in the street. It was NOT a good idea – one friend ended up with a scab on his upper lip reminiscent of Hitler and she smashed her hand on the ground. She consulted Dr. Ultraparadoxical on what she should do about her hand. I told her to sleep it off…
Bad idea – she woke up in the morning with her hand completely purple and looking like the dude from Scary Movie 4. the next day was spent at the emergency room with her Dad instead of tailgating… good times!
Let me know if you have any good ones. Thanks for reading!
Booyah! Made the list. Although the piss at the conclusion of the wedding was WAY funnier.
One night a friend and I, we’ll call James, where on the way back home after a long weekend to crash at his place in the city. Deciding ‘not to drink’ that night, we found our way into a pub nearby to have just ‘one beer’ then go home.
Needless to say, the ‘one beer’ turned into numerous beers,…and shots. Proceeding to walk home afterward, I being a few steps back due to texting and walking at the same time, decided it would be a good idea to grab a flower by the roots on one of the patio’s of, an at the time closed restaurant, and smashed it over the back of James’ head. Then being chased back up to his apartment, proceeded to get into a wrestling match on the 8th floor with his very large condo windows wioe open. I was thrown over a lazy boy knocking it over and was thankful for not falling out the window to my death. After going to bed I was half sleeping/drunk, got up in the middle of the night to relieve myself, really not coming to, or actually came to realizing I was just finishing going to the bathroom. Realizing at this point that I had just taken a 5-min piss in James’ closet filling all of his shoes with piss. Then for some reason I decided to pull all of his clothes off of the hangers and drop them on the shoes and piss. I don’t really recall doing that though. Then I walked across the room and apparently tried to get in bed with his roommate.
not good.
k
Almost dying and then ruining your buddies entire wardrobe… nice! I like where you dump all of his shit on the piss filled shoes to add insult to injury… sounds like a Tequila night to me!