Gimme a Ticket for an Aeroplane… so I can bitch about it…
I spent over 9 hours on a plane or at an airport yesterday! Wheeeee! I shouldn’t bitch, I don’t mind traveling at all really – it is a good time to read, think or do things you otherwise I would not do if I was already at my destination. For the most part I travel with very few complaints but there are a few things that surfaced on this trip that I would like to address.
1 – My ticket said my flight takes off from Detroit with a layover in Kansas City then on to San Diego. Simple enough, I should only make 1 stop, correct? “No” said the chick at the ticket counter who looked like she needs a chisel to take off her makeup – “there was an additional stop in St. Louis but I didn’t have to deplane so it doesn’t count as a stop” (then gave me a look like I was the biggest shithead in all of Detroit for even asking her why the flight board at the terminal said St. Louis). That is bullshit. That would be like me telling my girlfriend that I was going to stop at Target before I came to her place except in actuality I was going to pick up my ex-girlfriend and get road-head on the way. According to the airline that is technically not cheating. To them any stop that does not have me exiting the plane is on some alternate universe and they don’t need to clearly indicate it on the ticket.
2 – Why do all pilots sound like they are stoned when they come over the intercom to talk to the passengers? “Uhhhhhhhh – we will be cruising at – uhhhhhh – 30,000 feet for approximately threeeeeeeee . . . . hours – uhhhhh – arriving…” The pilot always has the same kind of dazed breathy voice that reminds me of someone who I would rather have roll a joint for me than control a few hundred thousand pound aircraft traveling at 500mph. In any other profession this would not work at all. If my surgeon was talking like that before he was going to dig a tumor out of my abdomen I would tell him to take a hike. Pilots of the world my message to you: Either get your shit together when you come over the intercom or pass the bong to the back of the plane.
3 – The “no carry-on liquids” rule has to end. It has to be one of the stupidest things to ever come down from any bureaucracy. I always just check a bag no matter how small it is because I do not want to have to deal with getting a travel size for every toiletry that I want to travel with. The few times that I have accidentally taken a liquid in my carry-on I have gotten it on board only to realize it after the fact. The semi-evolved retard who looks like an extra from “Deliverance” that operates the x-ray screen is not the sharpest of federal counterintelligence agents. I understand that everyone wants to be safe but if I was a terrorist I would tape the fluids to my nut-sack rather than put it in a bottle of Head and Shoulders in my carry-on (actually maybe not my nuts – the screams in the bathroom as I took the duct tape off would probably give me away - I guess that is reason number 2,093 why you shouldn’t be a terrorist.) My suggestion would be to allow a shampoo here or a bottle of water there but be vigilant for milk gallons of kerosene or other items that could ACTUALLY be harmful. That is probably a bit easier for our less than valedictorian TSA employees to look for. For complaining publicly I am probably getting put on a blacklist right now by the government and I am going to be cavity searched the next 5 times I fly – I hope this rant was worth it.
4 – I would like to broker a peace settlement between all passengers in a battle that has raged for decades. The fight I am referring to is the virtual 38th parallel of passenger aircraft, the armrest. Just because you sit down first does not mean the armrest is yours and the person next to you must sit in some sort of a contorted yoga pose the rest of the flight. If someone is being a dick about the armrest and not sharing my usual move is faking an arm spasm to regain armrest superiority. This bumps their arm off for a second so I can get in a position where the area is shared properly. The one time that the “arm spasm” trick did not work and the guy next to me tried to take the whole armrest again I was forced to pull out the big guns. In a loud voice (so the other passengers would hear me) I said “Hey Chief – we are going to have to share this armrest or we are going to have some issues” (that’s right, I gave him the Chief Treatment). He looked at me like I was a madman but finally relented, muttering that he was sorry and not talking to me for the rest of my flight. It doesn’t have to get that ugly, don’t be an asshole, just share the armrest.
In the end, I arrived in San Diego to be no worse for wear but the aggravations of flight do not need to persist. Small changes in everyone’s normal routine can be beneficial for everyone – that way I can bitch about other things. Is there anything I forgot that pisses you off?
After that weekend this is what you come up with for your post. I’m done with this sham…. sike!