Back to School for some Payback
There will be no post on Friday (I know, put away the razor blades and drain the luke-warm water from the tub, I will be back on Monday) because I will be traveling back to my Alma Mater to hang out with some friends. I have not been back in a few years and I didn’t think I would go back for a long time. I am excited to go – even though I am going to feel like an old sack of douche compared to the students (some of which that had been born in the 90′s – *GASP*) Looking back on my previous posts it is obvious that I had been thinking about college in anticipation of this trip and I think another walk down memory lane couldn’t hurt.
When I was a student and the alumnus would come back I thought that they were the massive tools. I mean, why would you come back to campus when you are that old? Didn’t you have better things to do once you had graduated than get shit faced and act like a complete asshole? No… the answer is a resounding, NO. Back then I thought after graduation I would magically transform into an adult. In reality though, the weight of life after college is slowly dropped on your back - jobs, debts, obligations, marriage and kids are piled on and sleeping until noon and 3 weeks off for Christmas become distant memories. Don’t get me wrong – I love my life now – but college was fantastic. I know I am old – but fuck it – I’m going to go back to school and become the same asshole that I hated 10 years ago. I have earned it.
Now that I got that out of the way – whenever you go back to a familiar place you have not been to in a while there is always the possibility of a chance encounter with someone who you have not seen in years and didn’t think you would see again. To keep things straight I want to make a list; I don’t want to forget anyone. In no particular order I would like to see:
- The creepy Asian kid with BO who I used to copy off of in Calculus class so I could give him a hi-five. If it wasn’t for him I never would have graduated. He probably is head of engineering at some bio-tech start-up and hopefully he has made enough dough to buy some deodorant.
- That backstabbing bitch that tried to sell out our entire marketing group in order to better her own grade so I could pour a beer on her. I think she initiated my hatred for all things marketing. She tried to secretly meet with the professor to say she did the whole project and the group did not participate. Vintage marketing person – a fake cheery exterior that hides a lazy vindictive skank – she is probably a marketing director by now. There is no one with less use than the people in the marketing department – take it from me, I’m a marketing major.
- The chick who talked like a pirate so I can watch her speak. It wasn’t what she said that was necessarily pirate-like – it was more how she talked that reminded me of Ahab. You can even try it at home! Purse the right side of your lips – now try to ask for a beer. Presto, you’re talking like a pirate. One of my buddies once gave her a sandwich to see if she would only feed one half of her mouth-hole. The test was inconclusive.
- The team of dickheads that worked the graveyard shift at Taco Bell so I could throw a chalupa at them. Wait… maybe I was the drunk asshole and they were just trying to do their job. That’s not the point – the point IS – they sucked at life. The team of service “professionals” over at the Bell would swear at customers at the slightest bit of provocation and once threw a hot sauce packet in my buddy’s face after he tried to return nachos. The hatred on campus of the employees at Taco Bell was so intense that after the Duke vs MSU final four game when riots broke out no one touched any of the shops on Grand River Ave. – except Taco Bell – and it was TRASHED. *Side note* Some friends of mine once tried to steal the gumball machine there and got it halfway out the door before it tipped and shattered all over the ground releasing about 800 gumballs to the “hungry-hungry-hippo-like” crowd of drunken students… classic. *End Side note*
- The guy who rode a bike around campus painted in Green and White so I can give him money for a skin cancer screening. It can’t be healthy to continually coat your entire torso in heavy makeup every day and ride around shirtless on a bike. When did this sound like a good idea for this guy? Was he sitting in his apartment one day saying “Hmmmm… I wonder how I can 1 -make an ass of myself 2 – guarantee I wont get laid and 3 – waste away my 20′s? Thats it! I can ride around on a bike waving around a flag in the middle of winter!”
If I can just run into one of these people i will consider my trip a success… scratch that, if I get wasted and one of my friends makes a huge ass of themselves then I will come back with a big smile on my face.
Do you have any people from your past that you would like to meet up with again? What would you like to do to them?
i am ready to fall on the sword for you and make a monsterous ass of myself. booo yah!!
Scott is missing his jacket, he is certain it is under yours. He just wants to check one last time.
Yeah, I would not be surprised if he is still looking for it – I have video of him wandering around the bar like an old person lost at the mall.
The comment name that you chose now makes you look like Nostradamus Snooooooorebeck…
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