Top Nine Friday – Denizens of the Salt Mine Edition
I work in a salt mine… Actually, I used to work in a salt mine. Wait… that’s not true either.
The term salt mine was coined by my brother about 6 years ago when I was working at a shitty call center grinding through my 7-4 shift Tuesday through Saturday slinging Direct TV equipment. He was visiting me for a couple of days and I let him borrow my car while I was working. True to form he was about a half hour late picking me up from that God-forsaken hell hole. Waiting for him on the uncomfortable plastic break room chairs while watching the other call center losers heat up their microwave burritos put me in an especially foul mood. After reading pretty much everything on the bulletin board (within that half hour I became an expert in the occupational hazard law in California) I finally spotted my jackass brother pull up outside fresh from a surf. The day had apparently beat me down because as I shambled out to the car (shirt half tucked, head hanging low) he said “Salt mine getting you down?” I hopped into the car and looked at myself in the mirror. Although I have never seen a salt miner I swear that I looked like I just clocked out of a 12 hour shift in the salt pit. That’s how much a bad job can bring you down. I have long since left that job for greener pastures to a less aggravating job but thinking back on it now it was certainly a true salt mine, but there is a little salt mine in every job. Even if you love your job there are some days that you don’t want to be there or your co-workers suck. Every salt mine has a crew of people that you would not normally spend 8 hours a day of your own volition and this Top Nine Friday is dedicated to the douchie-est of these familiar salt mine inhabitants.
9 – The Skank/The Sleezebag – Have you hooked up with more than 5 people at your office? If the answer is yes then you are number 9. (Yes, oral counts -and you are an even bigger skank/sleezebag for asking)
8 - The Gossip - The title pretty much speaks for itself. They are the rumor mill. Free tip – use these people to your advantage by planting bullshit rumors about people that piss you off at work. Now everyone thinks that the guy in marketing shit himself and had to change his pants halfway through the last team building event! Untraceable!
7 – The ”He-belongs-in-a-padded-cell-not-a-cubicle” guy - I had one of these at my office a few years ago (for the sake of anonymity lets call him “Norman”. He:
- Sexually harassed a half dozen employees
- Would sent cryptic emails to customers and other employees he didn’t like that ranged from passive-aggressive to homicidal
- Choked a pregnant co-worker (not kidding)
- At one company event ”Norman” molested a waitress, started a fight with another co-worker and got kicked out of the bar by the bouncers
Only after the last bullet did he finally get shit-canned. A week after he was let go the fire alarm went off randomly at our office. Everyone - and I mean EVERYONE thought that ”Norman” set the alarm off as some sort of elaborate plan to come back and pick us off one by one Columbine style.
6 – The Foreigner - You have no idea what the fuck they are saying and that is probably the reason that they still have their job. How can you fire someone if you can’t understand them?
5 – The Drunk – She has pictures of her kids on her desk and wears conservative pant-suits to work but after she had a martini or two at the 2008 company kick-off event she grinded the HR Director on the dance floor and then knocked over the chocolate fountain. Stay off the sauce drunkie!
4 – The Lonely Spinster – She is easy to spot. Get up from your desk and “prairie-dog” it for a second… look for the lady wearing a dress that MAY have been fashionable in 1988… does she have a FUPA? Yes? Ok, we are getting really hot now… what is on her cube wall? Cat posters? Bingo! There she is! The last time she got laid was the Nixon administration!
3 – The Creeper – Ahhh, yes, one of my favorites. The arsenal of the office creeper includes unsolicited back rubs, uncomfortable sexual innuendo (that’s what she said), and maybe even a late night text or 20 if they have your cell. There is NO reason anyone in your office should know how fast you ran the 5K fun run in 2004 – not unless they googled your name and Facebook stalked you!
2 – “Reply to All”- When someone replies to all on a group email with things like “Great!!!!”, “Congratulations!!!” or just reiterates exactly what the last person just said I inherently hate them. These serial “reply to all-ers” are the lowest form of office life – it is the worst kind of ass-kissing.
1 – The Break Room Chef – Why the fuck does the entire office smell like burnt cat shit? Maybe you should ask Chef-Boy-R-Dumbass because he thought it was a good idea to make a tuna souffle in the microwave.
Those are my 9 – did I miss any? Leave any suggestions in the comments… I better get my hard hat back on… this salt isn’t going to mine itself!
You missed the “Oblivious to Personal Hygiene” – Someone who is otherwise seemingly normal but has a failure to clean some body part. This can span many variations from rank odor (do you really enjoy the smell of mothballs?), bad breath (I think your cat crapped in your mouth), disgusting tartar buildup (I know we have a dental plan), earwax compound (the great qtip shortage ended years ago), and dandruff (it should not be snowing during the middle of summer).
The second characteristic of this person is that nobody has the guts to tell them about their disgusting problem. The problem is so grotesque in your mind it has to fall into 2 categories: it is so bad somebody already has to have told to them before (therefore I don’t have to), or, they just don’t care. Either way, you aren’t saying shit.
Haha – nice – yes, those were glaring oversights…
[...] The Salt Mine – Sales (23-24) [...]
[...] is also a huge consideration… there is nothing more aggravating than coming home from the salt mine and driving around for a half hour looking for a spot. Invest in a parking spot if you need to [...]
[...] – No post on Friday – there is a lot of salt to be mined this week and if I don’t do it no one will – stay tuned for more fantastical [...]