“Experimenting” with Drugs and Booze
Sooo… I have been conducting a little experiment with myself for the past few weeks. I took my Dad up on a $100 bet and agreed to lay off the sauce for 30 days. I have about a week left and my sobriety has ranged from a non-issue to a night-ruiner and everywhere in between. I have not written a lab report in about a decade so I figured I would dust off some of my long forgotten skills I picked up in CHEM 101 and get all scientific for a bit.
*Sidenote* – I learned how to format my labs Freshman year in college from this Asian lady, Miss Chen, who (to put it lightly) had a tentative grasp on the finer points of the English language. The lab was on Monday morning at 8AM - I spent half of the class trying to decipher her chinglish while pretending I knew what I was doing and simultaneously trying to get in my lab partners pants…
Anyways, one hazy, hungover Monday morning Ms. Chen looked me dead in the eyes and asked ”Did you get any ass?”. I froze – what the fuck did she just say? I dropped what I was doing and looked at her like she had just taken a shit in chapter 17 of my chemistry book. Apparently she sensed my confusion and reiterated her question “Did YOU get any ASS?” and crinkled her brow behind her oversized protective goggles. “Uh… Wha… Wha… What?” was all that I was able to sputter out as I took a few sidelong glances at my lab partner who apparently heard the same thing as I did. Was this the first ever recorded case of a chemistry TA cockblocking someone the middle of a lab? Did she see me at that party on Linden with those Pi Phi’s? She was obviously an insane stalker. For the third time she pointed over my shoulder and said once more ”DID YOU GET ANY ASS?”. I turned around and saw the rest of the class grabbing dried ice out of the coolers behind my lab partner. Ice… not ASS… ICE! *End Sidenote*
Determining Effects of Alcohol, Drug and Tobacco Deprivation on Humans
Statement of Problem: What are the effects on a 29 year old single male abstaining from any mind altering substances for 30 days?
Hypothesis: The subject in question will grow to hate all of his drunk friends and not make any bad decisions (IE – have fun) for that 30 day period.
Materials: club soda (no vodka) – car (designated driver duties) – patience (dealing with shit-faced friends) – Blockbuster Video card (renting movies because going out is not what it once was)
Procedure: Carry on through normal social activities without the aid of drugs or alcohol. This includes but is not limited to happy hours, Taco Tuesdays, football Sundays, birthday parties, bar crawls, Columbus Day, Monday afternoon, going away parties, screenings of The Wall, work functions, concerts, weddings and any other social engagements that may require a reasonable person to tip back a few cocktails (read: all of them).
Results: I have almost completed this experiment and there are a few things that I have noticed:
- My friends are MASSIVE douche-bags when they are drunk. I can not understate this. MASSIVE. This is not to say that I don’t suck when I’m drunk, because I know I do. Something about viewing things through the lens of sobriety makes pissing on the side of the bar seem like not such a great idea - just sayin’.
- Meeting chicks at the bar can be excruciating. Some tramp with her top half falling off - breath smelling of Red Bull and Vodka – trying to get me to take a picture of her friends pretending to smack each other on the ass loses a bit of its charm when I’m sober. It’s a wonder anyone hooks up. It is like letting lose a gaggle of retards and watching them randomly bump into each other until they pair off for no discernible reason.
- Everyone needs to comment on my non-drinking, it is non-stop. If I have another shithead ask me if they can buy me a shot when they know I can’t drink I give them the “Rhianna” treatment.
- When I am driving at 2AM without a drop of alcohol in my system I am invincible to any Cops. Since almost everyone else on the road is a little buzzed I feel like I can drive like I’m “Tokyo Drifting” and if a cop pulls me over he will HAVE to let me go since I am 100% sober. Probably not true but whatever.
- Every event involves at least a little drinking. I have been looking for a 30 day window to fit my sobriety into where I didn’t have any “mandatory” drinking activities that I couldn’t miss. I was unsuccessful until now and I have been waiting since March. Even taking that into consideration I still have been to tons of events that I would normally be drinking if it was not for my self imposed sobriety.
- Despite all of the negatives, I feel great. I am more alert. I take less naps. I have more productive weekends. The physical aspect of this has been so apparent that I may continue some aspects of my self imposed ban even after my 30 days is done…
Conclusion: Sobriety sucks – I am getting shitfaced the day after my 30 days is up. I don’t hate my friends I just want to be drunk enough that I don’t care how dumb they/I are. Bottoms up!
Apparently sobriety got you a blog.. and soon you will be 30 and it is very easy to get sober ass when you are 30, especially for a dude.
Sobeck is that you?
Nope.
i take some offense to the “dealing with shit-faced friends” comment….
and i miss the more interesting lunch breaks we used to have….in particular the sushi friday that ended with “are you gonna be ok to drive? should we wait a while?” – GOOD TIMES!!!
I do remember that lunch – vaguely…
Things do not change; we change.