The Aggravation Index
I am so happy to be living in the era that I exist in right now but there are things about the mechanisms and customs of life that seem to be built solely to piss me off. I have been accused of being a procrastinator or lazy because I don’t want to get my dry cleaning, buy stuff for the house or change my cable service. Part of it is laziness but the main reason that I don’t get this stuff taken care of it is because these activities physically pain me. Talking to the douche-bag at Blockbuster explaining about a DVD they are mysteriously charging to my credit card for or discussing how exactly your reservation at the Luxor was completely fucked tend to be excruciating. How painful are they though?
I really think there should be a rating system involved that everyone can agree upon and refer to before they start to do something just to see if they should even bother. That way you can look how much time and aggravation you are going to feel and determine if you want to piss away your time. If you were going to try to switch phone carriers to save 10 bucks a month, you may think that would be a good idea. However if you say that that activity had an Aggravation Index (AI) of 58% you may just say fuck that, Sprint sucks, but I’m not going to deal with the bullshit that a 58% would subject you to, right? Before actually defining the scale I think it would be helpful to determine the criteria that one uses to determine an activities AI. We can start the scale at 1% (getting up off the couch to grab the remote for the TV) and 100% (chemotherapy) but there is plenty of ground in the middle to cover. What questions would need to be answered to come up with the magic AI number?
- How long from start to finish will the activity take?
- How many people will I need to talk to get the activity completed? Who are the people that I will need to get involved in order to get this done?
- Will you contemplate suicide or murder at any time during the process?
- Can you complete the activity in your underpants? Do you need to leave the house?
- Add 10 points automatically if you ever say “Can I talk with your manager?”
- For every 10 minutes of hold time add 5 points.
- Every time you grit your teeth or swear under your breath is another point.
OK – now that that is taken care of lets go through a few scenarios:
Scenario 1 – Returning something at Best Buy 21%
This can take anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour depending on the line and exactly what you are looking to return. There are plenty of salespeople milling around the cell phone section playing grab-ass but there is always only one person working the Customer Service counter and it just happens to be the fat chick with a perma-scowl on her face. If you do not have a receipt you can tune this rating up about 10 points, if it is the day after Christmas add 10 more and come down to San Diego so I can kick you in your junk because no one should be stupid enough to return anything any sooner than a week after Christmas.
Scenario 2 - Completing any task with the Department of Motor Vehicles 64%
Not enough can be said about the sadistic motherfucker who came up with the DMV. The hiring manager apparently only looks for candidates that fall into the category of lazy, surly, hostile or all of the above. They will let you take a number and sit on a filthy plastic chair next to a guy (who you swear was just holding up a cardboard sign at the intersection outside) for hours upon end before telling you that they can’t help because of a technicality in your paperwork. They actually take pleasure in shooting you down and sending you packing. They are kings/queens of their tiny license renewal fiefdom and they wield their power with an iron fist.
Scenario 3 – Moving 72%
I have not had to move in a while but I will be finding a new place shortly and I am dreading it. I have specifically tried to limit the amount of things that I accumulate for the sole purpose of not having to move it whenever I need to relocate. If you don’t use a moving service you need to practically blow your friends to get them to help. When they are carelessly throwing your gear around (because it is yours not theirs, they really don’t give a shit) you can’t yell at them because they are helping you out. I feel sorry for anyone that buys a pick-up truck. To me that is just punching a ticket to have everyone ask you to help them move. No thanks.
Scenario 4 – Getting a new job 84%
Moving trumps this scenario on a physical level but looking for and getting a new job sucks mentally. The whole process is bullshit. Resume – lies and bullshit. Job descriptions and recruiters – lies and bullshit. Interviewing – lies and bullshit. Speaking of interviewing – I always wonder how asking questions to a candidate really uncovers anything about how someone will operate in a work environment. It is so unnatural and never is a really good gauge of work proficiency, it is no wonder why most HR departments have such a hard time hiring and end up with people who should really be drooling in the back seat of a short bus. Bottom line: all of this BS piles up to a pretty impressive AI.
This is just a rough guide, it definitely needs some help… are there any more scenarios that you can think of?
[...] a bad job can bring you down. I have long since left that job for greener pastures to a less aggravating job but thinking back on it now it was certianly a true salt mine, but there is a little salt [...]
[...] normal routine can be beneficial for everyone – that way I can bitch about other things. Is there anything I forgot that pisses you [...]
[...] even consider living somewhere. Parking is also a huge consideration… there is nothing more aggravating than coming home from the salt mine and driving around for a half hour looking for a spot. Invest [...]